Lost in a Whirlwind of choices

Caffeine does horrible things to me.  Like making me feel like I should do every job in the world plus invent new ones.  Things I've legit considered as possible careers simultaneously:

1. Create courier service for fast food places (i.e. chipotle, wendy's, taco bell, etc.) AND liquor stores
2. Create a local fashion/music magazine for the Minneapolis area (somewhat similar to Nylon if anyone knows of that one)
3. Clothing designer
4. Boutique owner selling above creations
5. Personal stylist
6. Installation artist for retail storefronts
7. School counselor

Something is wrong.  Why do I want to do ALL these things?!  Do I not have enough fulfillment in my life?  I once considered doing stand up comedy, but I don't think I'm that funny.  I can't be "on" for more than a split second anyway.  I feel like I don't apply myself to seriously finish anything I start when it comes to a career.  Even my major is making me feel boxed in, and it's for freaking ART.  I think I'm terrified of getting stuck so I keep eluding myself from actually getting branded with something.  I don't really understand why that is, or where this comes from.

I have a strong thirst for knowledge, so I think the whole "graduating" has me thinking I stop receiving education when I'm not in school.  But that's not entirely true.  I'm just scared of losing touch with progressing my education.

I think I'm just terrified of getting stuck career-wise regardless.  Many of the artists I admire never stuck to one type of art.  They continually evolved and did other things.  It's almost like exploring an area and once you know it like the back of your hand it gets boring, so you stretch into the unknown and conquer it all.  That's how I feel about most areas of my life.  Did this, check that, been there, experienced this, etc.  I think that's why I get bored with things so easily.  Once I figure it out or experience it enough, I'm bored or disgusted.  Then I move onto the next thing.

I wonder if most people are this way.  Or maybe I'm just a freak of nature.  Or maybe I'm terrified of applying myself.  Or a combination of all three.  I just get so ambitious that I don't know how to go about finishing something because my mind is then bombarded with other things that pop up.  I'm too scatterbrained.

Ants in my Pants

In preparation for my Christmas time break from school, I've been looking forward to wrapping up the last of my gifts, packing them up along with the rest of my stuff for my 3 day excursion to my parents', and shopping for a dress for a friend's wedding.  And I've also discovered my new obsession: polyvore.com.  In case you haven't checked out my personal little bit on that site, it's basically paper dolls and barbie dress up for the internet.  Minus people.  This has given me a chance to express my personal style without so much as spending a penny.  And getting ideas on what to outfit the boyfriend in.  Turns out I've got amazingly great taste in men's fashion.  So does he, but he's kind of clueless about putting it together.

I feel good about myself because I know I'm doing the right thing in my life and continuing to go down the path before me.  I just wish I had a job that paid me for my worth that isn't in danger of becoming obliterated because of the economy.  I'm starting to understand that I have a lot of talents and that they are worth getting paid to use them.  This is frustrating and I'm sure at some point I'm going to breakdown if I don't find something better.

I'm seriously having dreams about having a different career or being paid $5/hr because my boss can't afford to pay my salary.  Something tells me that's not right.

Any who, I'm pretty excited to be done with my semester.  I get to see lots of my favorite people despite a few I'd rather just wipe out, dress up and do couple things for once, and focus on being happy with what I've got.  Plus I got people some pretty sweet gifts this year, and I don't see crying like this:

I will get even.  I want tears like they just received a swift kick to the nuts on repeat.  You will receive your gift, and you will freaking LOVE ME.

Aside from my psychopathic tendencies with generosity, I'm just happy to return to some kind of normalcy with my daily routine, which includes actually being at home for part of the day and having a day of the weekend off sometimes.  Who would've thunk???

Getting into the Spirit

I saw this house last night on my way to Target.  It reminded me of National Lampoon's Christmas.  I wish I had this kind of dedication for the holidays, but that probably won't happen till I'm retired.  Oh well :)

Some things I'm looking forward to in the next three weeks:

• Christmas vacation (all of 3 days...whoopee!!!)

• My friend's wedding

• New Year's Eve with no limitations like last year

• Going back to 40+ hour work weeks

• Getting more settled into my home (i.e. new bed, new kitchen table, bigger tv, selling my futon, having decorations and things finally all set up)

• Paying off all my bills!!!

• Resolutions

Kind of long, but oh so exciting in a way.  As far as resolutions go though, I'm not waiting till the clock strikes to implement them into my life, I'm doing it now and making sure once the clock strikes that I have a strong determination to keep going strong.  There's still so much I want out of this life and it's tiring to really think about each and every bit of it.  But I'm hanging in there and not letting things get me down.

I don't have new stylish clothes, I don't have a recent or stylish haircut, I don't have a complete home just yet, and I have more needs than wants when it comes to material things, but all that really just speaks opportunity and potential to me, so I think that's all fair.  I'm not in a race to live my life.

I am pretty excited about being on task with things right now though.  All my Christmas shopping is done, and I finally got to use a groupon for something really fun!  I feel like I've been let out of a cage for an hour of free time whenever I actually do go shopping.  It's kind of sad, but it keeps me from going under with my funds.  I wish I could have fun more often, but living within my means signifies limiting my fun to when I can fully afford it and my bills have been paid for the month.  Ugh.  Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Christmas has lit a fire under my butt

Having 95% of all my gifts for people has really let me deal with a lot less stress in my daily life.  I'm actually kind of amazed at how fast I got all my gifts figured out.  And it didn't break my bank either :)

But Christmas signifies a coming to a close on the year, and the new year reminds me that there is time for a renewal.  I feel as though the changes I've noted in my own life will be put into full use come the new year, and so far it seems to bring me nothing but good things.  It's actually kind of cool.  I don't feel as much stress or anger with problems, mostly because I just throw them all away.  I don't feel the need to get up in someone's face with something so trivial.  Ok, so the bank doesn't know how to do it's job.  From now on I make sure what I need to do is prompt (even early) and void of potential errors.

I've always learned the hard way that you cannot blame others for things being late or wrong when you are a part of the problem.  I do literally whatever it takes to make sure that no one can find blame in me for the things I do.  Granted, this is a lot of pressure, but I don't look at it that way.  I'm just living my life and doing my thing.  I don't put that pressure on others because they are not me.  Ultimately if it doesn't work out for them, I'm not to blame.  I hold myself up to high standards and I can't do that to those around me.  It's unfair and it only leads to disappointment.

Ironically that kind of epiphany has made me content with my state and with my relationships, even if bridges have been burned.  I don't get upset about who doesn't talk to me anymore, who's written me off, or anything like that.  And it's mostly because I'm happy doing my thing.  If they aren't a part of it, then oh well, but I'm happy and that's what matters.

It's amazing what things you can enjoy in life.  I had more fun last night just trying dried fruits and nuts at the grocery store with the boyfriend than I would have had I gone out to the bars instead.  I have no idea why, but sometimes goofing off with people you love is just enjoyable.  Also when I got home I got to play with the puppy in the snow and now I wish I could do that every day.

I think some time this week I'm going to drive around and look at the Christmas lights like when I was a kid. Nothing wrong with free entertainment.  And speaking of entertainment, here's a little diddy I made for everyone:

Resolutions

As part of my never-ending growing up, I've reached a new breakthrough in life that most 16-20 year olds will find lame.  But alas, it has happened.  I'm really over the cussing like a sailor and being mean.  I realize I spend too much energy trying to break someone down than just focus on my life and how to make me happy.  I'm trying to avoid negativity in all aspects, and when people get in my face, I just say it like it is.  I have really ceased to care about a lot of insignificant crap and I feel happier with a lot of things in my life.

I've come to learn that the only way to achieve world peace is for each individual to find true happiness within themselves before helping those in need to achieve sustainability in their own lives.  This seems impossible with the greed and selfishness people seem to be plagued with, but I really think that at some point we all experience happiness and we all strive for that level of consciousness.  As long as everyone has a job that makes them feel that they are contributing to the whole in a positive way, people feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their lives.  It's what keeps us going as human beings.

It's Pocahontas!!!

I think the hardest thing is to remain positive when the world is crashing down around you.  People think you're crazy, but in order to continue to go on with your life, you have to look at it that way.  Otherwise nothing will feel rewarding and success will never be measured.  In a sense it's insanity, but insanity is really just repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  Remaining positive always gets a different outcome, as well as perseverance.  I'm entirely convinced people are terrified of being positive because it doesn't feel as exciting as being dramatic and negative.  Negativity breeds misery, and misery loves company.  But being positive has a domino effect, but the payoff is selfless and a lot of people are too selfish to accept that mentality.

Either way, I'm making a point to curb my dirty mouth, let good people into my life, and start doing things that are good for me.  No more consumer-driven greed, no more comparative evaluations, and definitely no more laziness.  Hard work always pays off, and that's a fact.

How Does That Work?

I have to admit I love being independent and making my way in the world.  Creating a space just for me in my life gives me empowerment to succeed with whatever comes my way.  And I think I've done a pretty good job of doing that with what I've been given.  I've got a lot going on and I'm constantly trying to keep the ball rolling so that I don't get stuck or fall into a rut financially.  The best part is that I went about it in a very unconventional way and it still worked.  But nothing is perfect and there are always consequences to my actions.

One in particular that seems to follow me no matter what is having a mentally and psychologically abusive father.  You know those saying about ridding yourself of the negativity in your life?  Well I can't figure out how to rid myself of all the negativity when it's infested in my family.  Do I just emancipate myself from them all despite having a couple great relationships?  Or do I keep repeating the same thing year after year and hate them more and more for treating me as such?

I know the reason I left was to get away from my dad.  It wasn't healthy for me to have to continually have someone destroy any glimmer of hope that I was succeeding in what I wanted and going to be a successful young professional.  I feel like I'm the only one who stood up to the abuse and fought it tooth and nail (literally).  But it shouldn't get to that point.  It never should, and I was wrong to push it to that point.  So I did one smart thing and removed myself from the situation and prevented it from getting worse.

Turns out removing myself didn't really do much in making things better for the entire family.  My dad has since turned his focus on shutting me out of the family like I'm some kind of mistake and projected his negativity onto my mother.  I cannot for the life of me understand why these two are still married, but it's awful.  If verbal abuse was taken as seriously as physical abuse, my dad would have been locked up years ago.  But that's not the reality and so I'm forced to hear it whenever I do visit my parents or when I talk to my mother.  Most of these conversations are when she's at work or when she locks herself in the bedroom so he can't hear.  This is one I wish I could help with, but there seems to be no solution.  My mom won't leave and my dad won't stop.  But I'm forced to witness the effects and it makes me sick to my stomach.

What's worse is my siblings think this is normal behavior.  Whenever I speak up about it, I end up getting reprimanded.  It's madness.

I don't understand it.  I also don't understand what I should do in this instance.  I refuse to go home because I'm to the point where my father is nothing but a stranger to me-an evil one at that.  But like stupid sheep, my siblings won't leave him alone.  I want everyone to leave him and for him to finally get what he deserves-to die alone.

What I really want is to focus on me and my life and my relationships with good people.  I have a boyfriend with whom I'm trying to make a working relationship with.  This is exceptionally hard sometimes because of the trauma and abuse we've been subject to in the past.  We have to acknowledge what is healthy behavior and what's not, and even harder: correct it.  But I also have a really wondrous network of friends who live all over the country.  I'm trying to keep ties close with them, but distance is hard.  At the same time, I know that us all living nearby is impossible.  And I'm okay with that as long as I get to see them once in a while.  It happens and things are great.

I realize that the only real reason I want my family to be so accepting and supportive of me is because there is a really real possibility of getting married within a couple of years and I'd like to have a family support there when that happens.  I also will be graduating soon too, and I would think they'd want to support that as well.  But I know better.  So I'm forced to live this life like my family is dead to me unless I want to be subjected to verbal and psychological abuse.

I'm trying to figure it out.  I'm not in a hurry to do that, but the older I get, the more imperative it feels to do something about the wrongs in my life.  Surprisingly they're all within my family.

Gloomy Reality

My life has suddenly become really frustrating.  Mostly things just have come out into view that never really mattered before and now resolutions need to be made.  But it wouldn't be my life if those resolutions required actions from people other than myself.

I've really tried not to make a point of not bitching about my job on here, mostly because no one really wants to hear about it and it doesn't really affect anyone other than me.  But I'm having a really hard time putting in hours upon hours of effort to get it done right and be successful, only to have the reality that I don't get paid time off, sick days, or benefits for what I do.  What's worse is that I feel like I'm in danger of losing my job because the store is in danger of closing down, and as my job entitles, I'm the whipping boy.  Everything gets blamed on me.  That part I understood even when I took on this job, but now it's to the point that I dread coming into work, I dread answering the phone, I dread everything.  I second guess all my business decisions in fear of getting reprimanded or yelled at because it doesn't make my boss happy.  I walk on eggshells and while I do, I watch this place taking a nose dive to bankruptcy.

Aside from my job, I'm broke as shit and am terrified of taking any time off to go and see family and friends. I'm staying home for Thanksgiving because I'm expected to work all of black Friday.  I'm only going to be home for Christmas for 3 days and that even feels like too much to me.  All because I should be working on Christmas Eve, I should be working the day after, but I'm not because I have a family, I have a life.  But having a life means I'm docked pay.  I'd like to look at getting a new job, but every time I look at job listings, it's all part time crap or corporate assistant jobs.  I want more responsibility than that, so I pass on the bullshit.  I'm just stuck in this miserable state where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and still unhappy with where I'm at.  It's a never ending cycle.

I'm ceasing to see the point of existing when all I do is work.  My money goes to expenses.  I don't go out with friends, I don't take vacations, I don't go shopping, I don't drink, I don't do anything except work and do the daily grind.  Putting on tinted moisturizer this morning I asked myself, "Why am I even putting this on?  I'm going to take it off in about 12 hours.  What is the point of any of this?"  I don't feel like I have a purpose in life anymore, I'm just merely existing.  I'm not making a difference, I'm not living my life.  I'm about as important as a dust mite living in carpet.  I just leave a much bigger carbon footprint.

Good God I've become a *Girlie* Girl

Someone needs to arrest me because I'm starting to become a monster.  Not really.  Lately I've been on a binge to completely revamp my beauty regimen and give myself a little more TLC.  I'm pushing myself to my limits and some things are more apparent then others.  This is fun and awful at the same time.  Things I've learned:

1. I hate nail polish on my fingernails.  I think it's ugly.  Unless it's clear. (The above picture will never be my hands)
2. Vitamins do a body good, but never take them without food.  So now that's another item shoved into my purse for later consumption since I don't eat till like 2 p.m. or later anyway.
3. I need to invest in more skirts.  Not dresses.  There is a difference.
4. I need to invest in more recent clothing in general.  I'm a grown up now and should wear whatever the hell I want, but this does not include shit I wore in high school.  Being grown up means incorporating expensive tastes, and (since this is what *I* do apparently) make my own awesome shit because no one with my salary can afford Betsey Johnson.
5. Washing your face day and night is AWESOME for your skin.  Don't believe me?  Try it for a week and see what happens.
6. Flossing is more important than brushing your teeth.  Do it at least twice a day.  Your gums will always bleed, but not as much as in the beginning, or pre-floss days.
7. Drink water all the time.  Like invest in a water bottle and fill it up 3 times a day.  (I have yet to actually really incorporate this into my day schedule, but it's happening)
8. Makeup isn't necessary, but it makes people more likely to talk to you in public, and gives you some really great new haters! (haters exist everywhere, but ones that hate you for taking care of yourself are a whole new breed)
9. Christmas time I'll be going blonde for the first time in like 8 years.  Who wants to place bets on how that's gonna turn out?  Here's an idea of what shade I'm aiming for: 

I'm still holding onto the fact that I hate pink (only allowed in minuscule amounts) and I'll always try and put a little punk into what I wear.  Plus I really can't be a sheep.  That's too painful for the creative guru in me.  And the only reason I haven't kept up my cute short 'do is because hair cuts are fucking expensive.  I don't have $50 to blow on maintaining an awesomely sassy and sweet pixie cut.  So for now, let the awkward stages begin for growing out my hair!!  (sarcasm)

If anything else, I'm also trying to adapt all my health and beauty products to a more natural and eco-friendly base.  Burt's Bee's has some awesome stuff and I'm trying to figure out what stuff actually is right for my skin since I've never tried anything other than acne medicated junk that never did anything for me except dry the crap out of my skin and make me break out in weird areas.  I am interested in seeing a real dermatologist just to get the 411 on my skin and what's actually going on with me since I'm basically an idiot.  Oh, and speaking of doctor's appointments, I should get to the dentist about getting my wisdom teeth taken out (a girl in my film studies class just had hers out and she claims it's not nearly as bad as everyone claims it to be, plus she was going to class the day after she got them out), and get another physical done.  Yay blood work!  Plus I need to update my doctor on the family history.  Wondrous? I think not really.  I've been meaning to go see an eye doctor too, but I don't want to get glasses yet.  Pretty sure that's gonna have to happen in the next couple of years though...

Budgeting is Hard!

I understand that I'm now in the working world as far as my job is concerned, but I really can't seem to understand how anyone is able to afford their lifestyle anymore.  Especially my generation.  My basic (excluding food and gas) monthly budget expenses are around $1200 a month, which I think is relatively LOW considering I don't go out as much as I used, I hardly travel and I don't have time to go shopping for pretty much anything.  My money towards bills is about 90% of my income.  That being said, I have a good paying job, a solid paying one.  I don't depend on my parents for help, or anyone else.  But how the hell am I supposed to afford living and not just surviving?!


This has puzzled me for the past couple of years, and all I can conclude is that everyone depends on family, credit cards, and loans to help sustain them.  But they are just delaying the inevitable.  No one is ever going to be able to pay off all that debt.  No one.  Their parents can't even foot the bill.  So how do people do it and keep themselves above water?

I'd like to see some solid answers.  Because I can't figure anything legal to keep yourself out of debt.

I find it sad that the number one reason I'm not even getting married is because I can't afford a wedding on my own and neither my parents nor possible in-laws could foot the bill.  Then I hear that people are just waiting until they're older to get hitched, and my thought is "why would you wait to spend the rest of your life with someone when you are pretty much married anyway?"  I know that parents have been horrified knowing their children are moving in with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but what's more horrifying to me is seeing people MOVE BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS.  I understand times are tough, but good LORD that is not okay with me.  I'd rather swallow anti-freeze than do that.

I'm starting to see this reversal in my generation that is showing people unwilling to become financially independent and the parents enabling their children until the cows come home.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think that people feel like their parents owe them in some way.  I wish I was making 3 times the amount I make a week in salary because then I'd send a third of that back home each week.  Why?  Because my parents work too hard and put up with a lot of shit from me over the years.  The least I can do is give them a cushion to alleviate some form of financial stress.  But I don't make that much.  I don't know how long I'll even have this job because of this economy just failing all over itself every day.  The world should just hurry up and end so I can start clean again.  I'm always wanting to do a project and at least that will give me an excuse to say "screw it all" and start fresh.

Goodness Gracious!

I've done it again...I zebra-ed my bathroom!!  The boyfriend and I were running errands last night and in a spontaneous bust of Target fever (that's when you blow lots of money at Target when you get inspired by their CUTE STUFF), decided to put zebra print in the bathroom.  So now I went from chocolate brown adult boring bathroom to "potty party".  It actually brightens up the tiny space a lot, which is good since it makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland when she grows too big for the house every time I'm in there.

And now I've got a mini fire under my butt to finish putting together the rest of my home.  Next is my bedroom. I figure it's time to get things organized and looking cleaned up since I've been living there for nearly 3 months.  Maybe for New Year's I can finally get a housewarming party put together.  Maybe.  Depends if anyone is in town.

Oh and it has finally happened.  I've joined Etsy.com and I do plan on finally making my own shit and putting it out there.  I figure this is a fun trial run to see if people would actually buy my designs and how successful that could be.  If it works out, the I'm on the road to being a billionaire (probably not exactly); if not....well it was a good run and now I'm out of a dream job and onto something a little more realistic, which includes a lot of soul searching.  These alternate jobs may include but aren't limited to:

1. Personal shopper (Sometimes I can't believe this is actually a job.  Seriously?)
2. Magazine entrepreneur (been thinking about this one since I subscribed to Nylon)
3. Corporate busybody (although that would probably only last temporarily)
4. Personal stylist (again, how is this even a job?)
5. And if all else fails, I can always just do daycare for a living.  Or something equally as pathetically easy.  Seriously, certification and nothing else?  Cakewalk.

Deep Thoughts...

I seem to have a problem with confrontation, only in the sense when I have to enlighten someone else to what is going on or what needs to happen.  I'm not terrified of what they'll say or how they'll react, if anything, I'm just anxious to actually be in the situation at all because I get extremely defensive and I don't want to say or do something that will get me in trouble.  So essentially, I'm terrified of getting into trouble.  I've always had ways of getting around it, but every now and then I deal with something unpleasant and I tend to snap or insult someone and burn a bridge or two.  I realize I have a really bad mean streak in me, but I shy away from situations where it can be brought out because I don't know how to control it.  I know that's dangerous, but while I figure out a way to get a hold of myself, I just avoid those situations to begin with.  I don't like picking fights, but I will never back down from one.

That being said, everyone has flaws.  Whether it's anger, emotions, addiction, self image, self confidence, physical, etc. we are all flawed in some way.  It's all a part of who we are, because people aren't perfect, and if they were, love wouldn't exist.  But some things need to be worked out because they may kill us, or prevent us from reaching what we truly desire.  I'll be the first to admit it's tough as shit to work out problems.  It becomes a lifestyle of reminding yourself that "No, I don't need a cupcake with every meal" "No, I don't need a drink" "No, getting high isn't going to make this all better" "Yes, I can do this" "I am beautiful/capable/better than that" and so on.  Having to consciously remind ourselves of who we are is important, because forgetting who you are and where you come from is like humanity's Achilles Heal.

 I like when they say time heals everything, because healing takes time.  It is a process, so the things you do during the time is actually what heals you, not waiting for a magical timer to go off saying "You're cured!".   Actually I think growing up is what helps us get over the fact that someone broke our heart, hurt us, mistakes we made, things we don't like about ourselves, and how to be the best version of our flawed selves.  But no one likes hearing "Grow up!", instead a kind phrase like "time heals everything" makes it sound like we aren't the ones who fucked up, we are just a part of a greater whole, and so we feel safe and secure in our decisions.

My biggest issue at my age is the fact that people are done growing up, now my peers and I are all growing older.  People are starting families, getting married, becoming homeowners, having real jobs, or just being victims of this crap economy and working minimum wage.  This means no more excuses for excessive laziness, lack of responsibility, accountability, etc.  Time to man up and start taking care of yourself like your mom used to.  I am not one to have a routine down for my mornings and evenings, but nothing has been telling me I should start like aging.  I don't mean getting old, because I still think I'm a ways off from that reality, but aging as in like, going a day without washing your face makes your skin dry and icky, or not showering takes a toll on your hair and it doesn't shine like it wants to.  I'm trying to figure out how to get the self discipline to actually take good care of myself daily.  Thinking about the ways has made me come to the conclusion that in order to really even give that much a shit about myself means I must be obsessed with looking good constantly, or that I have to develop some kind of insecurity with not being totally cared for.  Like I should be high maintenance about my health.  But that's so exhausting that I'd rather just skip.  So now I'm trying to figure out a way to prioritize that into my life, along with everything else.  I'm realizing more and more the things we value define who we are as a person.  Things we value now, or decisions we make now, have major effects on our lives in the future.  It's just insane to think of what kind of old(er) person I'm going to be.

A Love Letter To...

My friends!  I will not name names, but I need to get some things off my chest, and it's become way too hard to call each and everyone up and let them know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  I've been having one of those moments where all I want is to be around all my friends at once and just share in good moments together.  Granted, this is not a shout out to all of my friends, but just a couple with whom I can't seem to get a hold of lately.

To my oldest friend ever: I love you.  I love that we are so much alike, but have gone in two totally separate paths in life, each one leading to our own happiness.  Seeing you so happy and fulfilled with a family of your own makes me miss you so much that I wish I could go back in time where I would spend the day at your house playing in your pool, or running around in my back yard playing with My Little Ponies or making little cottages in the woods.  That kind of bonding is something I cherish and will never forget.  But I know we're both adults now and I want more than anything to have grown up memories together of just the two of us kicking back and basking in the happiness we've created for ourselves.  I always consider you to be a sort of step sister and miss having that connection aside from all the responsibilities we've created for ourselves.

To my best friend with whom I basically now share an online relationship with: I love you!  I know we both consider ourselves to be horrible friends by not returning phone calls or texts, but we both understand that our lives are anything but easy and I think that understanding is what makes our friendship so easy.  I wish wish wish you lived closer to me, but I don't really see that being possible since cold weather is not your friend.  But I always enjoy spending time together and having our own humor as to what's going on in the world around us.  You make me proud for all you've gone through, and I wish I could just give you a giant hug whenever I think of you!!

To my bestest best friend: You basically made my month of October by coming up here to spend time with me.  You inspire the boyfriend, you inspire me, and you are nothing short of humble about it.  You need to seriously just move up here and get it over with, because both of our lives will be that much happier.  Really I should just text you right now, but I'm feeling lazy.  When I come home next we will have more adventures together.  Love you.

Till the next time, feel the love people!

All Hallow's Eve

I have an hierarchy of favorite holidays.  My first and foremost is Independence Day.  I love my country, but I love more that 4th of July is the least stressful holiday to celebrate.  It's bbq, alcohol and fire.  Good times and good people and simplicity.  Halloween is second.  Why?  Because it's a night of debauchery that throws out the rule book of societal morays and allows people to do the one thing we all loved as kids: playing dress up and pretending we are someone else for one night.  All the problems, stress, hurt, pain, etc. are all forgotten for one night.  It's kind of a Cinderella holiday where we put on the magical outfit that transforms our world for a night of magic and happiness.

Like all things I do, I do Halloween right.  This takes years of practice and skill and creativity, but each year I've participated, I've had some really positive memories and looks come out of it.  I'm not one to repeat costumes, because that's totally cheating myself creatively.  I am one to push myself to the limit though, and when it comes to dress up, I go big or go home.  This year was no exception.

No, I did not shave off my eyebrows.  This is a Chola.  A.K.A. female Mexican gangster.  And I was so impressed at how well this came out.  I scared my boyfriend.  My best friend said I was able to make myself unattractive.  I think I looked awesome.  Usually I try to go for more sex appeal, but this look was so fun to do that I didn't care about being sexy.  I do know that the real Mexicans I saw that night were checking me out, and that in itself was hilarious.  Plus this was my first Halloween where I didn't wear heels.  Weird concept, but I did not skimp any details.

I hope everyone had fun and made great memories this weekend.  I'm hoping Halloween day I can take my dog trick or treating.  Candy corn and Mexican gang signs!

Work, School and Play

After the excitement of this past weekend, life has gone back to a puzzle of mundane tasks.  Still have things I need to work on, still in school, still have my job and day to day bullshit, except now it's just cold all the time.  I think I need an adventure.

Oh wait, Halloween is this weekend.  Nevermind.

I'm only going to be able to celebrate Halloween this Saturday, and possibly on actual Halloween if there's anywhere celebrating at night.  And here's a taste of what the public will see this weekend:

 Except way more awesome, because it's me.

I will be doing the ghetto fake nail art, gluing down my eyebrows and doing the fake "sharpie" eyebrows (not really though, I'mma use some actual makeup tricks for that), the eyeliner lipliner, and having someone draw on some fake tattoos.  I'm pretty excited to see how awesomely hardcore this will turn out.  My only worry is time, since I'm working till 9 and the place I'm trying to get into starts charging cover at 10.  Maybe my costume will persuade people to let me in cuz I'll look too legit.  Or watch me get kicked out.  Hahaha, that'd be a story to tell!

Can't Remember the Last Time that I...

Actually stayed home from work because I was ill!!  The weather change seemed to do a flip on my immune system.  I went to bed last night with a cough and today it's been pretty much the same.  Must think liquids-water and broth and tea.

It's always when I'm down for the count that reality seems to try and hit me from all sides.  The boyfriend's dad is not doing better, despite treatment and being in the hospital.  I'm not sure what to do.  I hate praying and the only response I feel I get out of that is either silence or the opposite of good news.  I don't want to give up hope because I have a bad vibe off something.

Not to mention school is getting so hard to fit into my schedule.  Or just real life.  I'm constantly trying to get things accomplished for me, but the only thing getting accomplished is me being late for everything.  I just get so tired, so bogged down by having a dirty house, unfinished tasks for school and work, that I am completely overwhelmed.  I can't depend on others to get things done, but I'm left with only the choice of leaving the responsibility to someone else.  And it doesn't get completed, it doesn't get accomplished or it's not successful.  I feel as though what everyone wants for me doesn't work for me most days.

And the sad thing is the root of all this is money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending crap loads of money that's not even mine, to make money.

I need a hero.

Dropping Out

Where do you draw the line that your current job is getting your more places than your college education?  For years I've been analyzing this and coming up with "Well, if you want to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or in a specific line of work, a college degree guarantees you'll have a dope paying job with a 401k and benefits out the ass."  But I don't want to be a lawyer, doctor, engineer, or anything that has to do with math.  Also having a cubicle sounds like living in a prison from 9-5.  Yuck.

I see where degrees and licenses are significant, but for what I want to do, I don't really know of any schooling or degrees or certifications that apply to me.

I don't want to quit or give up though.  Just right now, professionally what I've got going on is paying off more than going to classes and playing the pass/fail game.  LAME.

So now it's time for phone calls to be made, appointments to set up, counselors of all backgrounds to talk to, as well as working on this business.  This shit is growing like a parasite in my daily life and I'm like, WHOA!!!!!  Except not entirely.  I'm just finding out more and more that I've got a lot to get done still and a lot of stuff to sort through and figure out.  In the end I know it'll all make everyone happy, well not EVERYONE, but those that matter most will be happy, and that's always good.

Most Days are Good

I hate to think I'm a disappointment because I'm seriously considering just sticking to the two careers I've created for myself in the past 6 months, because that means this bachelor's degree is not going anywhere anytime soon...but it's not really all that necessary with what I've got going on now.

Not gonna put all my eggs in one basket though.  I like to keep my bases covered.

Lately I've had so much shit I've got to accomplish before I can put all my focus on what I'd really like to do right now.  Which is draw my own types of drawings (i.e. stuff I can legit just sell on etsy or some shit, or just put up in art fairs, whatever), and going back to making clothes.  Why?  Because I hate shopping, and I hate not having what I want available to me at something other than insanely ridiculously expensive.  Plus I miss that part of designing.  I like to think I have what it takes to be successful in the fashion business, but then again, I'm always second guessing myself.  I just want people to wear my stuff and for others to recognize it.

But none of that can really happen till I get my home life straightened out.  Like selling this damn futon.  And getting a kitchen table and chairs that doesn't look like crap.  And having a clean house with everything one really needs (i.e. toilet paper).  Not that I can't afford it, that's not the issue.  Finding a place that's convenient that's open when I'm available to get this crap is.

Also why am I always at work during dinner?  Last semester I was home every night cooking and now I'm never home and all I've been eating is fast food.  I can't afford this, but taking 30 minutes to make dinner usually exhausts me just thinking about it.  Grocery shopping feels like a pain because of all the shit I gotta pick out.  I feel like I have more important things to do, like work or taking my dog to the dog park, or cleaning my room, or going to the bank.

Also, I hate fucking banks.  Charging me money to carry a debit card?  What the fuck kind of shit is this?  The only way to make sure shit goes smoothly is to go in personally and have an hour and a half conversation with a personal banker because otherwise they screw up your whole account(s) with them.  I hate money, I've never been happy with it or without it because something always goes awry and I end up having to pay out the nose for it.

I will say this though.  The days I have the energy to just do things I need and/or want and I get them accomplished, I feel fucking fabulous.  Although I didn't do anything one would normally think I should do, I got a lot of stuff accomplished, and I still have time to make a super long blog.  I have a clean car, a dirty and super tired dog (obviously he'll be getting a bath later), and more checked off stuff from my to-do list for my job.

I guess success depends on what you measure.

Watching my Life from Behind a Curtain

I look at my life and I see equal parts leading and equal parts following.  Socially, I like to think I'm a leader, but most of the time I feel like I'm just following along.  And let's be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with life most days.  I'm usually just following the lead or example of someone else and mimicking them.  I wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school, and mimic people.  I listen to my ipod because everyone else does.  I drive fast because everyone else does.  I keep up with personal hygiene because everyone else does.  And so forth.

Lately I've been asking myself, what am I actually supposed to be doing?  Like, am I really supposed to work like this, eat like this, party like this, have friendships like this?  Or should I be doing something else entirely?  How do you know you're doing the right thing?

The boy really hit it on the head last night when he told my my dad brought me up to believe that nothing I ever accomplished or did was good enough.  I've been programmed to believe that I'm never succeeding, I'm never satisfied with what I've done so far, because there's always room for improvement.  Yes, I can see how that is helpful because it gives you a good drive, but there's a line between continued success and never feeling like you've reached it.  I don't see a point in celebrations or pats on the back when my entire life I've always been told "That's nice, but why didn't you do this?  This is so much better and effective than what you just did, regardless of how much time and effort you put into it."

But yet, here I am, moving up the corporate ladder at my day job, starting my own business outside of said job, making extremely good connections with local big wigs, but I'm more concerned about making sure my dog is bathed and fed, my house isn't a disaster, and that everything is organized and streamlined.  My priorities are that messed up and I can't find a way to sort them out.

I do best when I get acknowledgement for my skills, and lately I feel like I've been just wading in murky water.  I don't know where I stand with anything I'm trying to do, and I don't know where I should be with my skill set.  I feel entirely lost and confused when it comes to making my life work.

Being a Grownup

Today is beautiful weather-wise.  Indian summer's are not usually my cup of tea because they're like little teases and last for like 2 days, but this year it's been pretty wonderful not having jacket weather at night.

I've decided that after walking onto campus today, my priorities and passions don't align like they did two years ago.  And that may suck in some ways, but I think it's actually better this way.  I've grown up, I've accomplished many things, experienced some major ups and downs, and am making a living for myself in a way that's fulfilling and joyful.

This is going to be short because it's seriously 80 degrees and sunny outside and I'm gonna have to enjoy that before the sun goes down, but I wanted to say that I'm finding joy in what I like, and I'm making a living off of joy.  And it's for myself.  Not for anyone else.

Here's to your passions :)

Overwhelmed...All Around

I tend to go in over my head a lot.  And the consequences tend to be kind of devastating.  I'm really easily persuaded into social situations, like going out with friends, spending money I shouldn't, skipping classes, avoiding homework or other responsibilities until the last minute.  This doesn't happen as much as it used to when I was younger.  But I'm not perfect.

With my sleep schedule being completely out of whack (seriously, I sleep too much and I can't figure out how to not be tired), my priorities tend to get messed up sometimes.  Lately it's feeling like a lot.  But I'm not a total failure, things have been on the upswing if you don't include school.  Since it's still early in the semester, not much has been really going on, but I'm worried that as it goes on it's going to feel more and more obsolete to me.  I just don't feel like there's really a connection to school and the real world anymore, but I don't want to stop going.  Mostly because that's a hell of a lot of debt I'll have to pay off and I'm in no position to pay that off yet.  Or never.  I feel like college loans are something that will never go away in anyone's life.

I guess at this point I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is for me in my life and whether or not I really want this.  I'm always attracted to art and fashion, but I feel like I have to go through all these unappealing steps to get there.  Kind of sucks.  But I figure if I work hard it will pay off.  I just feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the meaning of it all.

Going with the Flow

School is starting to feel obsolete as work becomes more and more exciting.  I'm moving on to bigger and better things and without a degree.  I'm meeting people who I never in my wildest dreams would think to associate with. Opportunities are happening where I never believed they'd even come to me.  I'm happy with the big picture.

In retrospect, seeing others around me trying so hard to get degrees that will only land them in a 9-5 job working as basically a secretary makes me see how much madness is in the world around us.  I figure if you work hard, it should be something that's superbly rewarding, not something that makes ends meet.  Whether it's monetarily, socially, etc., you should push yourself beyond the limits people give you.  The best thing I ever did was put my toe in the water and let myself get sucked in.  Yeah, it closes a lot of doors to other things, but those things wouldn't have led me anywhere sustainable.

We all have dreams, things we want to accomplish and do in our lives, but the majority of us don't achieve them.  We don't fail, we just choose different paths that give us different results.  Some of those different paths are families, comfort living, independence, or an entirely different way of life.  Not all of it's "glamorous", but it gets the job done and gives us a sense of purpose.  And you know what?  Those differences are not looked upon as regrets.  But for those who live their dreams, it comes with the same sense of satisfaction and purpose.  So I don't think either is really a bad choice or decision, just different.

Because someone does or likes something you hate doesn't mean that they're bad or should be hated.  Yes, as humans we like repetition, we like patterns, we like similarities.  It gives us comfort.  But we also as humans do not like to conform to one idea.  Everyone wants to be right, but right is not one way.  So the big picture is living with everyone's differences, and living your life for you.  Being selfish has its benefits, and shouldn't be looked upon as a negative aspect of someone's actions or ideas.  In the end, we are all selfish for our own survival, so don't get an attitude when someone puts themselves before you when you know you would have done the same.  Being selfless is something we can attain to, but selfishness is something we can use to our advantage to become selfless.

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

Man, six months ago when all my doors were getting slammed shut in my face, I felt completely screwed and stupid.  I mean, what's a girl to do with no car, no job, a horrible GPA, too much school loan debt, and a crappy apartment?

Move, buy a new car, get promoted, and ebb away from the college lifestyle.

Seriously, sometimes I look at my life and think I'm in a movie.  This can't be real.  I mean, what person my age with no college degree is basically running a boutique entirely by themselves and making it work?  What other person is sponsoring local fashion scenes, a band signed to a major label, and on the brink of major success?  I can't really take it that way though.  I'm just doing what I do and trying to make it work in real life.  On paper I feel like it's wonderful and that this is how people get into the big league with making lots of money, but this surely can't be me, can it?

I still long for the opportunity to become an art director for a photographer or design company.  To me, that would be just the best thing in the world.  Going to work and having creative genius spew everywhere, seeing my completed work in society whether in magazines or billboards or whatever, and then going home and living my personal life the way I want.  Having that separation between work and play is huge for me.  And that's probably why I hate school so much.  Homework goes with you, classes are always relying on you to do work on your own time.  Well that's not really for me.  I'd rather do the work when it's work time, and do whatever the hell I want on my own time.  Like going to dinner, partying, running errands, cooking, seeing movies, putting my house together, etc.

I'm not a 1 dimensional person.  I'm very much multidimensional and have a striking duality.  The boyfriend sees this all the time.  He tells me that I'm very very hard and rough, but that I have a pure and good heart.  I like to think that's the best combination, because if you reversed it you'd have a very powerful and horrible person among you.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who surround with me encouragement and love.  It's weird to see those who stick by you and those who magically disappear.  I feel like all of a sudden I have a base of people I can be around and talk about what matters when months ago I felt totally alone.  But I make the best of it and I focus on what I need done for me.  The rest just follows.

Overworked, Underpaid but Don't be Afraid

I feel like after having the longest week ever of obtaining a new car, moving, and starting school, I've pretty much obliterated my circadian rhythm for sleeping normally.  I also need to find vitamin D supplements that don't make me want to vomit from their chalky nasty taste.  The last 2 days have been impossible for me to get out of bed early.  And by early I mean the earliest I tried was 7 a.m.  What the hell, body?   3 years ago I could function just fine with 4 hours of sleep, and now I'm getting like 11 and I'm still unable to move and get out of bed.  Ugh.  For a while if I got 7 hours I was golden.  And now it's like I need 9 or I'm useless.  I'm such a baby but I think it's because of all the stress I've endured in the past 2 months.  Aye...You think waking up to a cold house would help too, but not true.  Also having a dog that will repeatedly hit you in the face with its paw isn't all that effective either.

Also is it possible to give yourself bruises from sleeping so hard?  I keep getting bruises on my legs above my knee and it's not from any of my daily blunders.  I also get them on my calves every so often too.  Just weird.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get by with this whole never having time for homework on the weekends.  Or never having time to do laundry at a normal hour.  Still trying to work out the kinks.

Hello, My Name is Pamela, and I am an Addict

....to zebra print!!!!

After today, I finally admitted that I have a teeny little problem.  After seeing I have a matching zebra print planner and folder for school (both have hot pink trim), as well as a zebra print dress and zebra print top..not to mention soon to be mine zebra print flats...zebra print art supply zip case, zebra print background on my phone, and a zebra print purse (with canary yellow trim), and a soon to be mine zebra print phone case....I'm finally going to say it.  I'm addicted to zebra print.

I don't think it's entirely unhealthy.  I don't have any furniture or furnishings with this motif, nor is any of my online stuff decked out in it, but I'm pretty close to being obsessed.  If I have the option, I will get something in this pattern.  I already made my debit card get this print on it.  I haven't used my birthday vickie's gift card yet because it's zebra print (and because I never have time to shop).

I just can't stop, it's too fun!!!  I found a zebra print bedspread with robin's egg blue trim and nearly got it.  But I don't live alone and the boy would die before sleeping in such feminine bedding.

Aside from that, now that life is starting to tie itself together, I'm pushing myself extra hard this semester.  I feel more in control of myself and more confident in my abilities to accomplish things.  Plus I feel kind of like I did when I was 18 and I'm totally ready to just get the shit I need done and prepare for what's to come.  There's no reason I can't work hard and party harder.  I can do this.  Everything is lined up for me to succeed, I just have to act.

Trying to Fell a Giant Oak With a Razor Blade

Work is running me into the ground.  I won't bore anyone with the details, but making do with what you have really sucks.  Also trying to get stuff done outside of work is pretty impossible considering the hours I'm trying to get in.  For example, here are some things I just realized I'm without of as of this week:

• Winter clothes.  (Really fun realizing this as I'm freezing my butt of trying to get dressed for the day and the weather report says we're going to hit a high of 66.)
• Underwear.  Lately, my dog thinks he's helping out by chewing out the crotch of my underwear.  I found his stash the other day spread all over the couch and him lying on his belly knowing he did a bad thing.  Needless to say I was pissed.
• Kitchen furniture.  And an acceptable delivery time period to receive it all.  I have a kitchen dining set I want from Target's online site, but if I order it now, I won't get it until I'm in NY.  This means waiting and waiting to have a place to sit and eat.
• Time to go shopping-for anything.  With my work schedule, I get out of work when other shopping stores are closed.  I really wish I had a whole day I could spend at the mall to stock up on shoes (I've ruined so many flats this year it's pathetic), the above the necessities, and whatever the hell else I can think of.  My brain doesn't function when I'm unorganized.

Not to mention I still have yet to finish unpacking and organizing the new place so that I actually feel like I live there and not in this chaotic temporary state.  I wish I had a week to just be the stereotypical housewife and have everything cleaned, scrubbed, washed, put away and lined up in its proper order.  Then I could feel more relaxed.

I'm acting like a neat freak only because if you saw what my house looked like right now you'd probably scream.  Because I'm without a dog bed and a clean second bedroom to put him in, he sleeps on the new couch, which I abhor.  I don't like naughty behavior and I don't like having to discipline him every two seconds.  I have a giant fleece blanket laid out for him by the TV, but he never sleeps there.  Last night he slept on my lap on the couch while I watched The Best of Chris Farley on Netflix.  Terrible.  And I feel guilty because I have to board him while we're out of town and I've never done that before and I'm terrified they'll neglect him.  He's so social that if left alone all day he'll get depressed and exhibit OCD behavior (for example licking the fabric on the couch repeatedly...I don't get it?).

I may be overreacting, but never being at home really bothers me.  Having school and a full time job is really stressful and I'm not sure how long I'll be wanting to do this.  Hopefully I can graduate and be done soon, but I have no clue.

New costs, new responsibility, new ride

After nearly 10 hours dealing with car dealerships and quite possibly EVERYTHING that could go wrong with my life in one day, I'm a happy jeep owner alongside the boy.  This took more work than I ever imagined, but I was still able to drive away with something amazing.

In the midst of dealing with loan people and finance people, I received news that my father had suffered a heart attack.  As I was signing the papers, he was in surgery.  With all the other crap I'm dealing with right now with my job and my relationship, and my guy's family, this was spreading me too thin and I cracked.  When your parents show weakness, that kind of thing just hits me like a blow to the chest and I fall apart.  Nothing is scarier than that for me.  So here's a scene for you to picture-Pamela crying like a 5 year old in a dealership office and everyone staring at her like she just grew a third arm.  The good news is that my father is doing fine, it wasn't too serious and other than this, he is in great health.  Here's hoping he outlives his mom-she's pulling 92 this December.

So now this kind of backtracks my semester a tad bit.  Financially I'm looking at conserving as much money as I'm able to so I can afford plane tickets and trips home.  I'm looking at going home for Thanksgiving than going with the boy to NY for the holiday.  Not sure how we're going to coordinate all this traveling and such, but I'm going to make this work.  I'm going to have to go and be a grown up about my weekly schedule for things.  So no more sleeping in and no parties until I've got a handle on my responsibilities.  Got to figure out splitting responsibilities with the boy about living conditions and the pup.  He's driving the both of us nuts with not getting enough exercise.  I'm hoping with the car that will be fixed so we can take more trips to the dog park.  I'm also going to have to figure out something with my work schedule.  Probably going to have to figure something out with the boss that doesn't kill me or ruin my school semester.

Smiling Through the Tears

Being strong for everyone else is probably the most abrasive thing anyone can endure.  I've been hit over the head this week with pretty much everything that could go wrong with my life.  After going through a fight that nearly ended my relationship, I'm told that the boyfriend's father, who he hasn't seen since he was in diapers, has been diagnosed with cancer.  They've only been in contact for the past 2 years and have a wonderful relationship, but I'm looking at flying out to New York far sooner than originally planned.  This is a real game changer.  I'm looking at missing a week of school and work with this, but I'm staying positive for him and this whole thing.  I can't not be.

On top of that, work issues have sprung up just at the right time (sarcasm, if you will). I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all this, but I'm hoping it ends up working out for the best.  I'm just gonna have a rocky month to go through.  I don't want to go into this, but it really sucks having so much responsibility when the above just happens to hit you too.

It seems the only good news is that I'm 90% sure I will be an owner of a motor vehicle again. I'm sure this will help with some of the problems going on with my life.  I'm looking at testing it out tomorrow and if all goes well, I will make an offer.  I know the guy who is gonna be meeting with me and he seems pretty excited to get me going with something, so hopefully he can offer me something good.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything that's going on though.  I'm pretty sure when I go home tonight I will just break down and cry.  The stress and reality of everything is starting to sink in and frankly, after being hit continually over the head about everything, I can't act like everything's fine and I've got nothing to worry about.  These things are serious and I need to do something about it.  I'm not sure what exactly I'm gonna be doing, but it needs to be done.

Life has a good way of making you feel wonderful when everything goes to shit.  It's like, I may have lost everything in the fire, but at least I still saw the sunrise this morning.  It's insanity.

I have time for....nothing

Between starting school this week, setting up the new digs, car shopping, working full time, and taking care of myself, I don't feel like I have a moment to myself.  Except for maybe writing this little tidbit.  Where to place my head?  Well, let's digress...

After a nightmare of a move (I have now acquired 3 couches, and lots and lots of mess), I'm starting to get settled into my new home.  And this is a home.  Oh my God do I want to stay here until I have children or something.  We'll see where time takes me.  I've already sorted out most of where all my kitchen items go (like creating my own spice drawer!  And I already know that statement makes me a dork), as well as create a sort of studio/dog room/closet for myself in the second bedroom.  And the medicine cabinet is not crowded with crap anymore.  I'm excited to see a dining room table get put in, as well as bar stools for the breakfast nook, and get a small table/chair for my vanity, as well as get my tv and xbox set up in the bedroom for Netflix.  Oh yes, this is coming along nicely.  But I can't really get any giant items until I have a car, which (hopefully) will happen this weekend.  I would love for that to go down, but I've never purchased my own car before and I'm pretty anxious to see what happens.

I kind of started on the wrong foot today with school.  I don't know why but the longer I'm in school the more ambivalent I get towards the first day.  I already have an assignment that I'm not really sure how I'm going to do since it was so vague and broad and open-ended.  Plus I have to figure out a way to bring 3 of my favorite drawings to class Thursday that I've created.  I'm not sure but I'm hoping emailing a .jpg file will suffice since I don't have "slides" or whatever.  If anything I can probably email my old drawing professor and see if she still has pictures of my work since she gave me such wonderful marks for all of them.

I think what most ticks me off about studio art courses is the dry attitude about work ethic.  My professor today told me this class wasn't going to be fun, and all I could think to myself was, "When the hell has drawing ever been as delightful as a root canal??"  Drawing is the one things I LOVE doing because I can zone out and create something beautiful and powerful.  I push myself so far over the limit and I love that feeling of accomplishment-hell, just the feeling of making marks on paper is exhilarating at times.  So I'm not sure how the attitude of this course will be for the duration of the semester, but I intend to make it known that I'm going to have FUN and it's going to get me an A, because I make A work.  Nothing else will suffice.

Hopefully tomorrow will go better since I'm taking a film studies class.  I was always told those were fun and easy courses, so I'm hoping that I can just fly by that class and put all my focus on this drawing course.  But this also means becoming a music junkie again since I cannot live without having a soundtrack while I work.  In all honesty that's been long overdue though.  I haven't updated my iTunes since probably march of this year.  Damn.  I'm ashamed of that.

So basically I'm going back to where I was 2 years ago, which I cannot complain about since times were good to me and friends were there.  I can't help but feel a major disconnect with meeting new people in my classes though since they're all around my brother's age.  I'm out of touch with them, and rightly so, since I'm on the edge of moving on to bigger and better things.  I never want to be that person who hangs out with teenagers and shit because I'm trying to hold onto my youth.  I'm not about to join a retirement group though, either.  I'll never be lame.

Anyway, I'm off to figure out some sort of drawing that pertains to some of the topics discussed in class.  So. Boring.

Labor Day Weekend is Gonna be Filled With Labor

And by labor, I mean hard work!  Since I've been so bombarded with work priorities (such as hiring/training 2 new people), I've had zero time to actually go through all my belongings at home and pack them up.  It's also pretty difficult when you have no car in which to pick up and bring home boxes with.  But one would think that the boyfriend would pick up where I've faltered and have all that stuff taken care of...except that's entirely not true.  So 2 days before moving day and I still have all my shit lying around and nothing to show for my attempt at selling furniture on craigslist.

I'm not even sure how I'm going to get anything done this weekend and I'm not even going to think about it until I get to that point.  Everything I'm doing now is what I need to do, now.  All the worry will come to a hilt the day of.  And, whatever.  Moving sucks, I'm not able to do anything to make it better, so I'll just bite the bullet and deal.

What's really surreal is the reality of school starting next Tuesday.  I feel like I've totally checked out of school now that I've finally stuck with a major.  I'm so focused on getting a job and keeping a job that school seems kind of irrelevant now.  But I have to finish.  I know if I don't I'm only going to piss everyone who loves me off.  And I don't want to deal with that, and also with having school loans.  I'm so close to being done, but with the boyfriend constantly watching all the news he can get his hands on, I just feel so hopeless sometimes when it comes to starting the job I want to do.  Ugh.  Not all the time though.  I know that if you really want to do something, you'll find a way.  And right now I want to finish up this school business and get a little more settled before I go onto the next endeavor.

I feel the only way to really look at my life somewhat successfully is to just say "onto the next one."  I think that's from an old Jay-Z song.  I can never stay too long on one thing before something else is continually popping up in front of me.  Some are obstacles, some are opportunities.  Either way, it's something else happening.

I can't believe that in a matter of about a week and a half I'll be driving a car.  I've never done this before, so I'm probably going to make all the mistakes any other new car owner would make, but I figure what the hell.  I'll figure it out eventually.  If I fuck up, I have to deal with it anyway.  I'm mostly excited because I can actually afford to do this now.  I was always too afraid before.  Guess having a full time job is great like that.

I'll be test driving this next Saturday!!!  This exact one too!!

But for now, back to work.

Life doesn't want me to succeed

There are things I cannot control.  And it sucks.  It upsets me that I am unable to accomplish the things I need because of outside factors.  Because if it's something I hate, it's not having anything to blame my failure on, including myself.  That doesn't really make sense, but then again, I tend to never make sense.

I'm trying to make things work financially, but I think I'm over-estimating what I can pull off.  I hate having only 1 source of income at the moment.  Seriously not okay.  Costs keep popping up that I never thought about and I'm pretty sure it's going to bite me in the ass pretty soon.  That's always how it is though.  I start thinking "I'm gonna get on top of this, I'm gonna finally be stable" and then it all comes falling apart.  But then again, it's only a temporary thing that I start to fall apart.  Everything evens out, I reach an equilibrium and then life is okay until the next incident.

Maybe it's because I'm an optimist and I like to believe that there's always going to be a happy ending despite all the horrible stuff that keeps happening to me that when things go downhill, they tend to propel to the bottom.  It's like I'm keeping this naive and whimsical attitude about life even though I continually get screwed.  That sounds like insanity.  But once I get through the worst or the best, I know that it is what it is.  I shouldn't keep these expectations for things when they never turn out like I expect them to, yet I do and I don't even realize I'm doing it until I get disappointed.  So I guess I just complain about certain points in time that sucked, but then I move on.

My hardest issue in life seems to be accepting what I cannot change, and forgiveness.  I found a really good essay by C.S. Lewis about forgiveness and it really made me realize how difficult it is for me to forgive.  The whole saying "Forgive and Forget" really is what it's about.  When people say they forgive but don't forget are basically misunderstanding the entire meaning.  What they really mean is they allow excuses, but they never really forgive.  Obviously no one wants to be played for a fool, so you don't just entirely wipe past sins like it never happened in the first place, but when it comes to really forgiving someone, you can't hold on to what it was they did.  If they wronged you, forgive, and don't allow yourself to be wronged again.  People make mistakes, that's a part of life-no one should be held accountable for their wrongdoings after the fact.  What's in the past is in the past-live and let it go.  I have a really hard time with letting things go.  Mostly because I want to immediately feel better when I'm upset.  And that's unrealistic.  But I realize I'm still learning, and I think being able to realize that and understand what that means makes up for a lot of the shit I kept doing in the past that pissed so many people off. Ugh. Growing up never stops.