My life has too much in it

Gotta stick with my Alice in Wonderland theme.  Not really, I don't have rules like that in my life.  But this picture is fun and pertains to how I feel most days.  Like I've got too much going on.  Which is kind of not true because there's a lot I don't have going on.  Like friends.  And fun.  At least this kind of fun:

Or this:

Or maybe even a little bit of this:

I think everyone envies those who are on vacation.  Lots of fun and money to blow on fun.  It's an escape from reality.  I know that there is a lot going on in my life.  And although it means I have a lot, much of it is undesired and takes up room for the stuff I want in my life.  I mean, I have accepted a lot of shitty situations in my life, and although they are temporary, they aren't going away for a while yet.  And that prevents me from doing other things.  Like having fun, or hanging out with friends, or doing fun random shit like I used to.

But it's also put a lot of things in perspective about the people I've met.  90% of them are flakes.  They're not reliable, solid dependable people.  Turns out most people depend on me, and that's a really bad idea.  I don't consider myself to be that solid and reliable, mostly because I can only do so much until it starts coming back to me from the other end.  I get burnt out too easily trying to hang out with people or plan things, and most of the time it never really pays off.  So I get a lazy attitude about it.  I get the mindset of "well if people would commit and show up, I'd throw a kick ass party" and stop trying.

But it's not just friendships I miss out on.  It's also free time to actually explore my hobbies and passions, travel, grow up a little more.  I like having things to do, like going to art museums for fun, going to the movies with a group of friends, hiking, having random responsibilities besides taking care of myself.  I don't have the kind of income to support that though, and that prohibits me from really enjoying a lot of what I'd like to do.  Instead I'm stuck paying bills, working when I can afford to, and incessantly stressing out about school and the inability to graduate.  Lots of unfun, icky and boring things that require lots of my time.  And then I wonder why I'm so burnt out when I actually have free time.

I guess when I'm over throwing temper tantrums and have time to calm down and take a step back to review my life with fresh eyes, I feel motivated and upbeat to get it all done.  But when you get down to the grind, everything sucks.  Here's looking forward to May.

What horrible mess this all is

I talk the talk more than I walk the walk.  And I walk the walk begrudgingly.  I used to think I'm just lazy, but lately I think I have a strong reluctance to follow other people's expectations.  Because I think I can do it better, and I think that their schedule is asking for shit when mine gives you perfection.  Yeah, I take a lot longer to get it completed, but when it's complete, it looks amazing.

But that's only if I want to do it.  If I don't...it's complete crap either way.  Which is why I've been taking almost a decade to graduate with probably one of the shittiest undergrad degrees you can get.  Other than fighting the fact that I'm not an academic bookworm, I just don't work with other people's schedules.  I get things done on my time or they don't get done.

That doesn't mean it makes it right.  I should be able to complete projects when they are due, turn in assignments on time, turn in something that isn't a failing grade, but I simply can't.  I've tried.  I've made to-do lists, set alarms to get up on time to get it all done, cleared my schedule to make it all happen, made appointments with people-and it doesn't happen.  Instead I end up doing other things, like laundry, going to the bank, filing my taxes, cleaning my house, taking a shower, etc.  Somehow my productive mind goes haywire and I get things done, but the things that require a time period of completion are left in the dust.  The reality of it all upsets me to no end, and I take it out on myself.  I throw tantrums screaming "I'm stupid and a failure" and argue with anyone who says otherwise.

I cease to see a point in doing anything because I'm never going to get a job in this economy doing anything I love because you can't make money as an artist and you have to be a yuppy pretentious hipster to get a decent job with any design firm, not to mention anything that will give you a 401k and health insurance.  I don't know how to be an adult, and school is definitely not showing me how.  I'm surrounded by dorm room teenagers who have their parents paying for everything. I don't relate to anyone anymore because I'm not an adult and I'm not a child.  I'm some weird separate thing that has all the responsibilities of an adult but all the resources of a student.  And I hate it.

What's the most frustrating is having people tell me that many other students go through what I'm going through.  And that's a load of bullshit.  Everyone is younger than me, everyone has their parents to help, they aren't living in a situation that legally is so scary and stressful and limiting that I have to be careful about everything.  I can't be honest with anyone because they'll judge me, they're unable to relate, or they can't help even if I do tell them what's up.  The last thing I want to do is be honest with someone and it not make a damn bit of a difference in the end.  If I open up about my life, I should get some kind of help or leeway or compassion, but that's not realistic.  I'm not here for sympathy or a handout.  I'm here because I have nothing else to do.  I feel trapped in my own life a lot of the time because I'm not where I want to be, but I can't get there either.  It's like it doesn't exist.