Life doesn't want me to succeed

There are things I cannot control.  And it sucks.  It upsets me that I am unable to accomplish the things I need because of outside factors.  Because if it's something I hate, it's not having anything to blame my failure on, including myself.  That doesn't really make sense, but then again, I tend to never make sense.

I'm trying to make things work financially, but I think I'm over-estimating what I can pull off.  I hate having only 1 source of income at the moment.  Seriously not okay.  Costs keep popping up that I never thought about and I'm pretty sure it's going to bite me in the ass pretty soon.  That's always how it is though.  I start thinking "I'm gonna get on top of this, I'm gonna finally be stable" and then it all comes falling apart.  But then again, it's only a temporary thing that I start to fall apart.  Everything evens out, I reach an equilibrium and then life is okay until the next incident.

Maybe it's because I'm an optimist and I like to believe that there's always going to be a happy ending despite all the horrible stuff that keeps happening to me that when things go downhill, they tend to propel to the bottom.  It's like I'm keeping this naive and whimsical attitude about life even though I continually get screwed.  That sounds like insanity.  But once I get through the worst or the best, I know that it is what it is.  I shouldn't keep these expectations for things when they never turn out like I expect them to, yet I do and I don't even realize I'm doing it until I get disappointed.  So I guess I just complain about certain points in time that sucked, but then I move on.

My hardest issue in life seems to be accepting what I cannot change, and forgiveness.  I found a really good essay by C.S. Lewis about forgiveness and it really made me realize how difficult it is for me to forgive.  The whole saying "Forgive and Forget" really is what it's about.  When people say they forgive but don't forget are basically misunderstanding the entire meaning.  What they really mean is they allow excuses, but they never really forgive.  Obviously no one wants to be played for a fool, so you don't just entirely wipe past sins like it never happened in the first place, but when it comes to really forgiving someone, you can't hold on to what it was they did.  If they wronged you, forgive, and don't allow yourself to be wronged again.  People make mistakes, that's a part of life-no one should be held accountable for their wrongdoings after the fact.  What's in the past is in the past-live and let it go.  I have a really hard time with letting things go.  Mostly because I want to immediately feel better when I'm upset.  And that's unrealistic.  But I realize I'm still learning, and I think being able to realize that and understand what that means makes up for a lot of the shit I kept doing in the past that pissed so many people off. Ugh. Growing up never stops.

Things I wish I had time to do

• Downloading music
• Putting said music on my ipod
• Get all errands run the day I need them run
• Walks around the lake
• Reading
• Baking
• Sewing projects

I get into a routine with my life, and that routine always leads me to a rut.  So I change up the routine to incorporate other things, but then I just get another routine where I end up unhappy.  I guess you could say I'm still trying to figure out a routine that makes me happy.  I like to think this is a part of growing up.

Yesterday I was thinking about my future.  And I figured out that I want to go into art direction.  I like being the brains behind ads, displays, etc.  I like that I'm the evil genius behind the screen directing everything to correlate perfectly.  Like the conductor.  But let's be real: I have ambitions to do everything I come across that's remotely interesting.  Hell, I'd volunteer in an archaeological dig for the hell of it.  And I'd really like to get a fashion mag for Minneapolis put together.  

It all seems so far away though.  I never know what the steps are to get anywhere.  Everyone just tells me internships are the answer, but I don't hardly ever hear about those unless you're interested in curating an art museum-which I personally think is boring.  Museums in general tend to bore me because it's just old shit on display.  And I'm not really a fan of different art "movements" or abstract stuff.  Lame in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting through this week so that next week I can feel like I'm crazy again.  Not really, but there's the State fair to attend, including a concert, and moving to be done, as well as a vet appointment and school to prepare for.  Hopefully I can afford another camera and post real pictures on here instead of using Google images all the time!

Lovely.

Repeating Old Mistakes

Normally I don't do stupid shit, but apparently it happens from time to time.  This weekend has been a gigantic reminder as to why binge drinking is probably the stupidest and ugliest thing one can do to ones's self. Unlike everyone else in the world, I need to remember what I drink when I'm out (i.e. NOT hard liquor), and stick to my limit.  I get really turned off by people pressuring others into drinking hard and long so that they can justify their own alcoholism.  Alcohol is something best enjoyed in moderation.  In fact, most of my greatest nights out have been when I've had maybe 3 beers.  Every now and then I'll cut really loose and just get as messed up as possible, but I always regret it in the morning.  I don't like doing things like that to my body.

What the wacka wha??

My shit got all fucked up this week.  But I'm rolling with it for the most part.  Pretty much what I've learned is that I can no longer have the excuse that I'm a procrastinator.  This will probably be pretty difficult to stop since I hate making business phone calls, running errands, running errands on time, and keeping myself on task.  Because, frankly, it's exhausting and it's hard work.  Something I try to avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to do that anymore, mostly because I know how unprofessional it is, and it pisses a lot of people off.  I just gotta re-prioritize my life.

I'm also starting to understand my quirks as it were.  I'm coming to terms why I hate women, girls, whatever the hell you wanna call 'em.  And I realize that I need to focus on the things I can control and change: me.  For the past 2-3 years I stopped giving a fuck about myself because I believed that people will either take me as I am or leave me.  And while I still live by that phrase, that doesn't condone not giving a fuck about myself.  In fact, I should give a fuck about myself so damn much that I'm the most important thing in my life.  Without me, there is nothing else in my life.  Not that I'm going to become super selfish, but I need to make sure I'm okay before I can take on anyone else's problems.  If I'm able, then I can be that much stronger for the rest.  My impact is gonna be that much bigger.

How to Cope

I don't even know what to write right now.  All I seem to be capable of is crying and passing out from being emotionally drained.  It's a back and forth of going nowhere.

I don't know if all girls are like this, but when it comes to being bombarded with having to explain shit in a high pressure situation (like an emergency or where a lot of different things demand my attention), I blow up and snap at people.  I scream and yell orders, I bark at people and expect them to follow me like little machines where no speaking and no thinking are what will be efficient when it comes to completing tasks.  Apparently this makes me a horrible person.  But I don't know how to control that much less quell it.  I know that it raises everyone else's stress levels, but I am incapable of remaining calm and just giving every thing at hand my attention without blowing up.  This usually causes a lot of fights with those I'm closest to, but in the moment I don't care.  I don't know how to fix that either, since I don't realize what I'm doing until it's over.

I basically hate my life right now and I have no excuses about my end of things.  It's all bullshit.

29 Days

I cannot wait to get out of the current situation I'm in.  I'm not miserable, but the promise of good things being so close makes me super anxious, like waiting for Santa.  I think I'm just anxious to be in a nicer place with better air circulation.  And to be back in Uptown is just....there are no words.

I'm also trying to enjoy life, and right now....it's a day by day thing.  The only thing that seems to really irk me lately is my facebook news feed.  I'm actually angry at people posting about their pregnancies, weddings, husbands, etc.  I used to be apathetic, but now it's starting to piss me off.  And I'm not really sure why.  I'm not trying to have a baby.  I like that I don't have kids.  I'm not stuck to my boyfriend at the hip either.  So being a couple is something private that I don't think needs to be constantly updated on facebook.  But then that's all I see on my little newsfeed and each day I think to myself, "Who gives a flying f*** about your life?!?!"  And then I realize, oh, I can block you.  But if I really think about it, then I'd just be deleting more and more people on there, and then I have to deal with facebook telling me I don't have enough friends on their little website.  Either way, I'm annoyed.  And I can't escape it, either.  If you delete your account, facebook will still hold you on there in their database until the day you decide to log back in.  It sucks.  What sucks the most is that the people I'd like to connect with the most, the real primary reason facebook was even set up, will not talk to me.  They don't try to "get back in touch" with me.  And I feel like that's all I'm doing.  I message them, "like" things they post, etc. and I get nothing in response.  When did I become such an asshole that people are starting to avoid me?

But as much as it hurts, I know it's not me.  And this is because I see myself making an effort, and that effort is neither recognized nor returned.  So this is also why I'm hoping that once I move, I can make new friends, and therefore better friendships.  No more superficial, vague, fair-weather friends.  I've very much become the type of person who, if you don't try and be a great friend, then you're the one who sucks at being a real friend, and you're the one that sucks at trying to be a decent human being in society.  I'm not going to be someone I'm not so you can be comfortable, and I'm not going to hold things against you because that's your lifestyle.  And I have no tolerance for social hypocrites.

That being said, I still have my select few that have been there for ages, and they'll never leave.  And that's something I cherish every day.  It's great to have friends and be real and call people out on their bullshit, and still enjoy hanging out together; oh, and being there for one another when shit gets real.  But in this day and age, that doesn't happen too often.

I still feel like I'm growing up.  I'm actually kind of happy I'm almost done with school, just taking the few classes left and happy I'm in all upper level classes till I graduate.  I'm not looking forward to paying off debt, but I am looking forward to success, and that is always good.  Things are looking up and the times are getting somewhat easier.  But it'll always be difficult to manage my time being so busy.

More Adventures in the every rolling hill that is my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride with a lot of things.  When it's going good, I enjoy it, other times I want it all to stop because I'm not enjoying myself whatsoever and I need a break.  Most of the time, I'm just sitting there spacing out looking at the scenery.  So much has happened this summer, and yet nothing has happened.  I totaled my car and am reduced to bus rides till I get money to put a down payment on a car.  The boy and I are finally able to quite literally do whatever the hell we want, but we're broke and can't afford any of the things we want to do.

And lo and behold, I found the apartment of my dreams.  In the heart of Uptown, brownstone building, cheaper, bigger, better amenities, a much nicer and understanding landlord, and pet friendly.  I was terrified I wouldn't get it in time, that it would be given to someone else who was just a tad quicker at filling out an application than me, or something equally stupid.  I was afraid I'd be stuck in this horrible a/c-less coffin of an apartment or settling for something equally as crappy.  But I found something nearly perfect.  I feel as though I'm coming back to when I first moved to the Uptown area a couple years ago, and that feeling of moving on up and affording it is beautiful.  But once I'm all moved in, life will go back down to normal and boring or worse; to something bad.

At the moment, not having a car is probably the shittiest thing to ever go through when you have a time demanding job, are in the process of moving, and can't just "walk" to the grocery store.  It also doesn't help that I can't just walk to the beach anymore, which is the NUMBER 1 reason I hate living in Northeast.  Yes, the neighborhood is quiet, there's neighborhood bars around every corner, but for the love of Christ, give me a beach, land of 10,000 lakes!  Why did I move to the one pocket of the cities that has no lakes?!  All that's going to change come Labor Day weekend though, and for good reason.

School starts up again soon too, which I'm not sure if I should be looking forward to or just dreading.  I'm part-time now with the job, so that'll be a bit different.  I'm hoping it'll feel good since I'm taking a drawing course again.  I miss that.  I just keep feeling anxious about money and income stuff, which, with the state of the economy and all the government mess, I'm terrified I'm going to get screwed.  The boy is rampant about discussing politics with literally every person we see, and I just don't jump in.  I know what he's going to say, I know how the conversation will go, and it's all just a song on repeat for me.  He knows where I stand (the complete OPPOSITE end from him), and nothing is going to change that.  It's all very tiring though to have to listen to the same thing over and over again.  Part of me is actually kind of excited to start up school again in order to have academic conversations again and discuss things like art and history and music.  I need a heavy dose of culture in my life right now.  In fact I've been craving reading books I have on my reading list (long forgotten almost), craving learning, and craving being an adult in some aspects.

My closest friends are starting to jump on the bandwagon of healthy eating, which has always been an important issue to me since moving out of my parent's.  My parents are not unhealthy eaters, but my dad was a Depression baby in the sense that his parents lived through that and instilled money saving values onto their kids.  This means buying cheap, processed foods in bulk.  After exposure to my organic and gourmet-esque friends and family, my horizons have broadened tremendously, and now I'm eating things my parents normally would never eat.  But regardless of that, I've had this growing ambition to go completely organic and grassfed, as well as buy as much local as possible, even start my own little herb pots in the new place.  The boy hasn't really been exposed to this kind of lifestyle before, but he loves what I make and can't seem to get enough of it.  And that's all that really matters.  I figure if it tastes good and makes you feel good, it's got to be good for you.

For the most part though, I tend to think my life is boring and uneventful.  I'm not out on the town every week, not surrounded by friends, and definitely not taking lavish trips anywhere.  I'm not getting married or having a baby either, so compared to most other people my age, I'm not really doing much of anything.  But I'm living, I have a wonderful puppy to give cuddles to, and a guy I can goof off with.  I'm in a very plain aspect of my life, but I'm content with it, because anything else would be too stressful for me.  I look at other people's lives and I just think "man, I couldn't have a kid right now, my life would feel like a prison because then I have a major responsibility taking over everything I want to do for me.  Plus it makes me a lot older than I'd like to be right now."  I also think, wow, too many problems and drama for anyone to want to give a damn about.  Mostly, I see other people just getting a lot older than me, and I don't want to catch up.  If I caught up, I'd be one step closer to death, and I just want to enjoy where I am for the time being.  I like not having a predictable lifestyle, not having anything to really be tied down to.  No one has huge expectations of me, and I love that feeling.