Second-Guessing Myself

I really question what my role in my friendships is.  Most of the time I feel that if I don't consistently take the lead or initiative in them I wouldn't be friends with 90% of my friends.  Which is depressing to think about.  Friendships are very much like relationships in that it takes two.  For a while I thought my lack in social life was because I was in a relationship, but after being single for 9 months in between relationships, I realize that my relationship status really has nothing to do with the lack of social life I have with my friends.  In all reality, a lot of my friends are just flaky.  But I've also realized as time goes on that the most important friendships to me are not all that important to the other person.  And I can't understand it.  These are really great people that I would never wish to leave my life for whatever reason, yet they fall away and become harder and harder to get a hold of.  I know some people claim they grew apart, but I don't think that's really the case.  Every person I think on who suddenly just "disappears" from my life was a sudden shift.  It's like, one week things are the usual and the next week they're ignoring me.  And if it's conflict, I'm always someone who wants to resolve things and make up, but that's not possible if someone just decides to write me off with no rhyme or reason on my end.  I'm the kind of person who will let someone know if I have something personally against them one way or another.

But at this point it's really starting to upset me that so few of my friends are really reliable, and the ones that never fail are all long distant friendships now.  It's to the point that I don't even want to bother calling or texting people because of the inevitable disappointment I'll receive from making plans to hang out.  I've decided that hosting parties will never be something I do because no one shows up, and God forbid I plan a party.  Any social outing I've ever planned has always ended in disappointment because of the so few amount of friends who show up just makes me feel like I'm disappointing them for not having enough people to hang out with.  It's kind of hard to get people to show up to something when they last time they did they were the only guests.

So when all this stuff seems to fall apart in my lap, I ask myself, "What am I doing wrong?"  And of course the minute I let any of this get to me, I have the loyal friends all coming to me like, "Don't worry, I'd never disappoint you!!"  Which really isn't the response I'm looking for.  Those people should know that I'm not disappointed in them, in fact, their the ones that don't make me feel like a total loser.  Funny how the ones who always disappoint hide in the woodwork until they decide they want to see me.  But it's never when I want to see them.  And of course, the easy answer would be to write these people off, but I'm not that type of person.  I can't just write someone off unless they abuse my friendship (i.e. talk about me behind my back, insult me to my face, use me for money, transportation, etc.), and even then, it takes a lot for me to say, you know what? FUCK you.

It all comes down to two basic things: accountability and loyalty.  If you say you're going to do something with me, don't back out at the last minute.  No one likes that-in fact, it makes you look like a douche bag.

I think I just need to make new friends.

Moving too fast?

I keep thinking about relationships and what is considered acceptable in society and my family.  Lately I feel like everything has become really blurred and now I'm just making things up as I go along.  I think part of this has to do with my age, because I'm no longer going to my parents for everything anymore and my friends don't hold examples as to how I should live my life or do things in a relationship.  At this point I'm following my own moral compass trying to make the best of every situation I come across.  I've made a LOT of mistakes, but at the end of the day I'm keeping my head above water and maintaining a happy and healthy stable relationship.

Which makes me think, damn, that's saying A LOT for someone my age in my generation.  I don't see myself as one of the majority or in the mainstream when it comes to morals, relationships, social roles, etc.  So many people are shallow-minded or co-dependent.  People are brought up with the idea that they'll probably get divorced.  I feel like my family and how I was raised is a rarity.  I've never been personally touched by divorce, save for the couple of uncles on my dad's side.  But even then, all those divorces happened before I was born.  I realize that a lot of my friends are from divorced families, but I never was really exposed to anything.  I still have my parents, my family unit.  I was raised that divorce is just the easy way out.  And for most cases, I stand by that belief.  But I know that there are a lot of people out there who won't understand that because it's not how they were raised.  I don't hold anything against those people.  I'm not trying to change anyone, but I know that I will never get divorced and that when I marry someone it's for the rest of my life.  That's just how it is.

But aside from that, I always question what the right formula for a relationship to develop is.  I'm starting to realize that everyone recommends waiting years before getting married, settling down, but I've never really been one to follow the crowd.  I've always been one to follow my heart, my gut, trust my instincts.  And that's worked pretty well for me.  That said, I can see that my time being single is on a time limit at this point.  I don't know what the count down is, and I don't want to know at this point, but I've come to that realization in the past couple of months.  And by single I mean non-married.  I realize now that whole statement would have been really confusing had I not put that in there.  But in all honesty, my life is moving towards a partnership or couplehood of sorts.  And I'm happy with that.  I'm finally in the relationship I've always wanted with the person I've always wanted.  And I didn't know that until I met him.

I guess what it all comes down to is that I'm starting to second-guess my actions because I'm in new territory and I don't have someone holding my hand and guiding the way anymore.  At least not in the way they have before.  I'm making decisions on my own, and they're all towards a goal.  I'm pacing myself but at the same time the grown up aspect to all this scares me from time to time (and then I get over it in 5 seconds).

Busy Busy Bee

I would post things on here, but I had the time, or things to write about.  I leave to go home to Indy to visit the family and see my old friends in about 6 days.  I'm pretty stoked about that one.  I've wrapped almost all Christmas presents, still putting some finishing touches on a few, and have been baking and preparing for school to end for the year.  Still gotta sell back my books and get set up for next year.  So much to do!

One of my best friends in the whole world bought me and the boyfriend the Kinect for Xbox 360 along with the game Dance Central.  I recommend this game to anyone with a social life.  It ROCKS.  Simple as that.  Technology is so crazy, plus I feel like I'm part of Star Wars or Star Trek with controlling the game with my HANDS.  I'm pretty sure it's also the best excuse for cardio I've come across since Carmen Electra's Aerobic Strip Tease (not as great as you'd think, but still kinda fun).  I tend to get bored with something that doesn't kick my ass after a while, but I guess with this game it can kick your ass on different levels.  And for some reason I find that to be fun.

I'm really looking forward to the spring semester.  For some reason I always think that once I hit December, my life can't go anywhere but up.  That little break in between semesters, the amount of free time I have to organize things and really put things into perspective always seem to lift my spirits.  Not really sure as to why, but it happens every year.  

I should get back to finishing up the rest of this semester, Christmas present shopping/wrapping, and preparing for my trip home for the next week and a half.  It'll be the first time the boyfriend and I have been apart since spending 6 months apart long distance this summer.  I have no idea how to feel about that, but here's hoping the time flies.

Refocusing

I feel like every few days my brain likes to remind itself all the mess and disorder in my life is getting dealt with.  Although I never feel like my life will ever be as organized as it needs to be...but it's nice to feel that I have some sort of progress going on, even if it's just all in my head.

I'm starting to feel that school is still necessary in my life, no matter how much I just want to get on with my career.  I'm starting to think I should either get a second job or paid internship over the summer to better prepare myself for what I want to do.  It's just difficult because I never feel like I have time to search for something and get all my information sent out to get the position in the first place.  Plus in this economy everyone's fighting for what you want and I don't feel like I NEED this, it's just something I'd like.

Now that I'm getting over being completely broke all the time, I'm able to go back to seeing areas of my life I essentially have forgotten about and give them attention.  This includes relationships, mostly with family, and self preservation.  I feel like I'm more focused on my health nowadays and I feel like I can finally focus on what I need to do for myself, and not just to get by.

Everything feels like it costs so much money, and instead of having a defeatist attitude, I realize I should be more creative about getting what I want for myself and the people I care about.  I may not have name brand stuff, but when I do have the money to splurge on something, I've learned to stretch it as much as I can.  It helps to have someone who pushes me to do these things, and not just myself.  (let's be honest, me pushing myself hardly gets anything accomplished)

Semester's end is in sight

Today just kind of struck a chord in me saying "Christmas is coming!"  This, of course, signifies me returning to Indy in a matter of weeks (very soon), and enjoying time with the family and my oldest friends.  But even more so, it'll have been one year since I met the love of my life.  December and the beginning of January always signify so much nostalgia in my life, but I'm glad that it's short lived because I'd probably get sick of it if it lasted any longer than that.

Plus I'm pretty psyched for next semester's classes.  My class schedule is so awesome, and even better, it's all fresh and new.  I'm so sick of this semester-by far one of the worst for me.  January is going to bring about a lot of changes though, and all really big good ones.  These will of course lead to even more big good changes for me, and I'm really looking forward to it all.  The craziness of this past year (and by God it didn't fail to disappoint in that aspect, ha ha!) is finally driving me towards a successful year in which opportunities haven't been falling short of anything.  I finally feel like I'm moving into a new stage in my adult life, but instead of being horrible and difficult, it's inviting and makes sense.

Everything has been so hectic for me, but now that things are going to be winding down so soon, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at in the moment.  It's a good day.

A weekend to reflect on

I finally was able to go out and have sushi with my boyfriend for the first time ever.  I've had sushi before, but he had never experienced fresh sushi, so this was a first for him and a very successful first (except I forgot he doesn't know how to use chopsticks...that was funny and horrible at the same time).  As expensive as it was though, we both had a lot of fun, and he even ordered some for carry out so I could have some the next morning too.

I ended up going out later that night with his sister and one of her friends.  I had fun, but I realize that I don't enjoy drinking like I used to.  I think it's because what I was drinking.  I'm more of a beer or wine girl, and that night I was downing vodka red bull and jack and coke.  I think I've grown out of hard liquor and a mixer swing of things.  Shots are never good because I always take waaaay more than I ever should and end up nearly getting alcohol poisoning every time.  I know a lot of people may think, damn girl, you're getting old, but I don't see it that way.  My taste preferences have just changed.  Plus going home to a sober person every time I go out is kind of lame.

Yesterday got me thinking about a lot of things in my life, the relationships I've established, etc.  Talking to my boyfriend's parents made me realize a lot about myself.  I've been thinking about family and traditions and culture and I've come to realize that with me, there is no such thing as a "white" culture.  The differences between races is kept alive on both sides and I just don't associate with that.  Someone telling me I act like a certain culture is a little insulting to me because I don't consider a certain culture belonging to a certain group only.  I feel that the mix of cultures in this country should be shared with everyone.  Understanding the origin is important, but secluding that to only certain groups of people in my opinion is what keeps segregation and prejudice and racism alive.  Separate but equal is probably the most bullshit line I've ever heard.  I may be considered a white woman, but I know that my heritage is entirely different from the next white person.  I'm not Norwegian, Italian, French, etc.  I come from a long line of Slavic ancestry on both sides of my family, and due to the way the world was at the time they migrated to the US, I can't necessarily determine which countries they all came from.  The best I can do is name all the countries that were ruled under the empire reigning at that time.  But even then, I don't consider that to be who I am.  I'm a mutt of eastern European countries and cultures, and for that, I don't consider myself to be the stereotypical "white" woman.  I have light skin, but that's it.  The more I pick it apart, the more I start to think that "white" culture is more of the suburban upper middle class demographic.  The yuppies, if you will.  But that's not it entirely either.  There's also the blue collar working class that can also be considered to be white culture.  But the white people grouped in that demographic have been in America for a long, long time.  Longer than my ancestors.  My family migrated over here in the 1800s.  My father's side didn't come over here until the late 1880s or 1890s. The dates escape me, but it was post Civil War era.  I would consider a black person to be more American than myself because their family more than likely has been here longer than mine.

I'm starting to go down the crazy spiral of race and classism in the US and that is not what I'm talking about.  I just get annoyed when someone says they can't do something because they aren't white.  I feel that you're just prohibiting yourself from ever making something of yourself and showing that you're jealous of something deeper than skin color.  Anyone can be or do what they want in this country, but they all like to make excuses for themselves instead and live up to the stereotype they've been slapped with.  Very few get over that and I find it very sad and disappointing.

Girl Friends

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a jealous person.  I'm sure I'm not alone in that aspect, jealousy is a trait everyone comes across from time to time.  For me though, jealousy mostly flares up when I'm in a relationship.  I'm sure we've all been there too, though.  My jealousy is towards the girl friends of my guy.  Not pre-established ones (unless it's an ex or something, that's a little tricky), but ones made while I'm in the relationship.  I don't really know why, but usually single girls are less willing to befriend a guy who's taken.  At least single girls with good morals.  I like to think it's respect for the girlfriend or the relationship itself and the single girl knows that she'd be barking up the wrong tree trying to have a decent friendship with a guy in a committed relationship. But I digress, there are exceptions.

Aside from the exceptions, there are the single girls out there who, if they meet a guy to their liking who is taken, taken is nothing short of a challenge to get what they want.  I've been there, I was that girl at one point in time, but all I ever got out of it was hurt and emotional baggage.  I learned, but not everyone gets that far.  But now, I feel as though I'm on the other side, dealing with girls who look at me as nothing short of a challenge.  I didn't realize I was becoming competition, I thought I was past all this.  Don't get me wrong, my guy is faithful and loves me very much-I see that every day-but he has a few friends (acquaintances if you will) I don't trust, much less like.  And what gets me the most is that I haven't even met them.  Something doesn't sit right with me about that.  It makes me feel like things are being hidden from me.

I've been told before that I scare off other girls whenever we're out in public together, and to be honest, I don't even notice that I'm doing that.  I'm not going out of my way to make sure other girls back off, and I shouldn't have to.  Either way, other girls get the picture.  But it goes both ways.  I know the minute I'm out in public together he's giving the beat down face to any guy even remotely looking in my direction.  And he's not afraid to confront someone about it either.  But he's a jealous person too.  He's told me this before, and his behavior has shown that time and again.

I have come to observe that the newer generations, and the new social cues make it acceptable in society to not be faithful or have long-term committed relationships.  In fact, society seems to make it okay to cheat on your partner, for your partner to cheat on you, and to go and make shallow relationships with people.  Everything has been geared towards instant satisfaction, leaving faithful, loving, committed relationships in the dust.  It's becoming a rarity, a lost way of life.  And it's unhealthy.  I still see some couples who have been faithful, have been together forever, but it's such a small percentage compared to the majority of singles, single moms, single dads, etc.  And so many of them are blind to their own problems, and how to fix them, because they just want, want, want.  They pull at things they can't have, saying fuck you to the greater good, and destroying themselves even more.  Not all singles (or people in relationships) are like this.  And I should make that clear.  But I'm not talking about those people.  It's the few bad apples who are spoiling the bunch and they need to be called out.

So when it comes to girl friends, girl friends of the boyfriend, there needs be a very clear thick line which should never be crossed.  And that needs to be respected.  But boyfriends (husbands, etc.) need to do the same.  Some men are naive and blind to this girl code of sorts (although I'm sure it's the same for guys as well), and they need to be aware of what girls are really like: manipulative, vindictive, conniving, and self righteous.  At least when it comes to getting what we want.  Women will stop at nothing to get what they deem is theirs.  This can be both good and bad, depending on what it is they want.  It just irks me that I'm in the position of being placed as "that ugly bitch he's wasting his time with" (not a direct quote, but I've heard it before), when I haven't done anything except be a supporting and loving partner in my relationship.  There's nothing wrong with that.  I just ask for respect for relationships, no matter how horrible and wrong you think the other person may be for the one you think deserves better.  In the end, you aren't in the relationship, so you can't judge, or really have any say in anything pertaining to who deserves whom.

I can't believe I strove to accomplish something and it's like I never got up in the first place

Today was supposed to be a big day for me.  As in, Pamela was going to get stuff done that had been neglected for 3 weeks prior.  But instead, I showed up on campus to talk to a counselor and waited for nearly 2 hours before seeing someone (who basically just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself before telling me I need to go and talk to financial services and meet with all my professors).  So...basically I didn't do anything today.  I also don't appreciate being told that since I don't have suicidal thoughts I'm not depressed.  I would think the phrases "shut down" and "not being all there when attending class" should say something about an individual's mental frame.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.

So, at this point....I'm pretty sure my family is going to give me a lot of crap when I come home for Christmas, at which point I will most likely just leave the house and go drink with any friends who happen to be in town during that point in time.  I'm just not feeling the guilt trips this year over what everyone else wants me to do.  Because, let's face it, they aren't me.  And because they aren't me, they can't tell me what I'm good at or what I should do with my life, or how I should go about doing it.  I like that people are different, because otherwise we'd all have the same job and lifestyle-which is boring!  I just wish they'd get that whole philosophy and stop giving me crap whenever I call home to vent about having a bad day or even a good one.

Anyway, I've checked out for the rest of the year as far as school.  I've got so much other stuff to worry about that it's insane.  I feel like I have to plan so much stuff for myself as far as career and school that it's taking up so much of my time is now being demanded to focus on what's important to me.  Which should make me feel amazing, but I'm just stressed and beating myself up about how much work I have to do in order to accomplish anything.  I feel like I do nothing but strive toward something yet I can't stop and celebrate any success I may have accomplished along the way.  It's hard for me to just live my life when I need to buckle down and just do the shit.

If anything, I miss the counselor I saw 2 years ago who helped me get through all the mental crap with my ex. I feel like she was the only one who saw through all the mess and was able to get me to focus on what was important and to push me in the right direction.  But she no longer works at my school and I don't know where she works now, or if she even works in the same state.  Figures.  This is my luck with just about everything.

December 1st is nothing but cold!!!

I've been trying to be a good girl and making a list of people and what I'm getting them for Christmas this year.  I'm actually doing quite well, but the costs add up and I'm afraid some people will be gifted late due to when I get paid.  I figure if I spend a little at a time things will turn out, but I tend to get ahead of myself.  Unfortunately I doubt anyone will be getting me anything on my Christmas list this year, since this has been a pattern since I started college.  Seems that since I no longer live at my parent's house I'm forced to abide by whatever they think I would like for gifts.  Usually this ends with me taking home crap I can't get rid of unless I move and it gets put in the dumpster or on Craig's list.

But it doesn't stop me from trying to be a good gifter to everyone else.  Plus I usually just go out and buy myself whatever was on my list anyway.  I know, I'm a gift killer on myself in a way.

After yesterday's feelings of absolute zombie lethargy and emotional upsetness, I have the absolute opposite feeling today.  And lo and behold, today is sunny!  I know self diagnosis is like 99% bull, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I had seasonal affect.  If it's rainy and gross out, cold and dark, cloudy, or all around depressing looking outside, I want to curl up in my bed and wake up when it's nice out.  I have zero motivation or energy to do anything on my little daily to do list, and I realize that I'm not a very pleasant person to be around either.  I've been observing myself for years now, trying to figure out why I tend to have a harder time in school during my fall semesters, or why when it's cloudy it tends to reflect my moods.  DUH. I'm not really sure how to combat it though.  My doctor has suggested I up my vitamin D intake along with calcium, and about a week ago I bought some chewable supplements.  I haven't noticed a difference though.  Probably too early to tell.  Either way in the past year or so, I've really taken a critical eye to my health and have made some necessary changes in diet and hygiene regimens.  Oddly enough I'm no longer afraid of *gasp* growing old (mostly because the negatives of old are due to neglect), but just more aware of what I can and cannot do or not do to myself.  Just another aspect of growing up if you ask me.  Turns out, drinking hard liquor in excess is NOT good for you!!!  But, in moderation (and I consider moderation to include every couple of weekends a month or something), it's all right.

I still have to finish up some things with school for the semester, and figure out a way to get my car home (and back) in one piece at the end of the month.  I finally feel that I'm not as overwhelmed about things I need to take care of in my life, and that's a good sign.  Hopefully I can keep this up!