Today was supposed to be a big day for me. As in, Pamela was going to get stuff done that had been neglected for 3 weeks prior. But instead, I showed up on campus to talk to a counselor and waited for nearly 2 hours before seeing someone (who basically just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself before telling me I need to go and talk to financial services and meet with all my professors). So...basically I didn't do anything today. I also don't appreciate being told that since I don't have suicidal thoughts I'm not depressed. I would think the phrases "shut down" and "not being all there when attending class" should say something about an individual's mental frame. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just an idiot.
So, at this point....I'm pretty sure my family is going to give me a lot of crap when I come home for Christmas, at which point I will most likely just leave the house and go drink with any friends who happen to be in town during that point in time. I'm just not feeling the guilt trips this year over what everyone else wants me to do. Because, let's face it, they aren't me. And because they aren't me, they can't tell me what I'm good at or what I should do with my life, or how I should go about doing it. I like that people are different, because otherwise we'd all have the same job and lifestyle-which is boring! I just wish they'd get that whole philosophy and stop giving me crap whenever I call home to vent about having a bad day or even a good one.
Anyway, I've checked out for the rest of the year as far as school. I've got so much other stuff to worry about that it's insane. I feel like I have to plan so much stuff for myself as far as career and school that it's taking up so much of my time is now being demanded to focus on what's important to me. Which should make me feel amazing, but I'm just stressed and beating myself up about how much work I have to do in order to accomplish anything. I feel like I do nothing but strive toward something yet I can't stop and celebrate any success I may have accomplished along the way. It's hard for me to just live my life when I need to buckle down and just do the shit.
If anything, I miss the counselor I saw 2 years ago who helped me get through all the mental crap with my ex. I feel like she was the only one who saw through all the mess and was able to get me to focus on what was important and to push me in the right direction. But she no longer works at my school and I don't know where she works now, or if she even works in the same state. Figures. This is my luck with just about everything.
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