I really question what my role in my friendships is. Most of the time I feel that if I don't consistently take the lead or initiative in them I wouldn't be friends with 90% of my friends. Which is depressing to think about. Friendships are very much like relationships in that it takes two. For a while I thought my lack in social life was because I was in a relationship, but after being single for 9 months in between relationships, I realize that my relationship status really has nothing to do with the lack of social life I have with my friends. In all reality, a lot of my friends are just flaky. But I've also realized as time goes on that the most important friendships to me are not all that important to the other person. And I can't understand it. These are really great people that I would never wish to leave my life for whatever reason, yet they fall away and become harder and harder to get a hold of. I know some people claim they grew apart, but I don't think that's really the case. Every person I think on who suddenly just "disappears" from my life was a sudden shift. It's like, one week things are the usual and the next week they're ignoring me. And if it's conflict, I'm always someone who wants to resolve things and make up, but that's not possible if someone just decides to write me off with no rhyme or reason on my end. I'm the kind of person who will let someone know if I have something personally against them one way or another.
But at this point it's really starting to upset me that so few of my friends are really reliable, and the ones that never fail are all long distant friendships now. It's to the point that I don't even want to bother calling or texting people because of the inevitable disappointment I'll receive from making plans to hang out. I've decided that hosting parties will never be something I do because no one shows up, and God forbid I plan a party. Any social outing I've ever planned has always ended in disappointment because of the so few amount of friends who show up just makes me feel like I'm disappointing them for not having enough people to hang out with. It's kind of hard to get people to show up to something when they last time they did they were the only guests.
So when all this stuff seems to fall apart in my lap, I ask myself, "What am I doing wrong?" And of course the minute I let any of this get to me, I have the loyal friends all coming to me like, "Don't worry, I'd never disappoint you!!" Which really isn't the response I'm looking for. Those people should know that I'm not disappointed in them, in fact, their the ones that don't make me feel like a total loser. Funny how the ones who always disappoint hide in the woodwork until they decide they want to see me. But it's never when I want to see them. And of course, the easy answer would be to write these people off, but I'm not that type of person. I can't just write someone off unless they abuse my friendship (i.e. talk about me behind my back, insult me to my face, use me for money, transportation, etc.), and even then, it takes a lot for me to say, you know what? FUCK you.
It all comes down to two basic things: accountability and loyalty. If you say you're going to do something with me, don't back out at the last minute. No one likes that-in fact, it makes you look like a douche bag.
I think I just need to make new friends.
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