Lost in a Whirlwind of choices

Caffeine does horrible things to me.  Like making me feel like I should do every job in the world plus invent new ones.  Things I've legit considered as possible careers simultaneously:

1. Create courier service for fast food places (i.e. chipotle, wendy's, taco bell, etc.) AND liquor stores
2. Create a local fashion/music magazine for the Minneapolis area (somewhat similar to Nylon if anyone knows of that one)
3. Clothing designer
4. Boutique owner selling above creations
5. Personal stylist
6. Installation artist for retail storefronts
7. School counselor

Something is wrong.  Why do I want to do ALL these things?!  Do I not have enough fulfillment in my life?  I once considered doing stand up comedy, but I don't think I'm that funny.  I can't be "on" for more than a split second anyway.  I feel like I don't apply myself to seriously finish anything I start when it comes to a career.  Even my major is making me feel boxed in, and it's for freaking ART.  I think I'm terrified of getting stuck so I keep eluding myself from actually getting branded with something.  I don't really understand why that is, or where this comes from.

I have a strong thirst for knowledge, so I think the whole "graduating" has me thinking I stop receiving education when I'm not in school.  But that's not entirely true.  I'm just scared of losing touch with progressing my education.

I think I'm just terrified of getting stuck career-wise regardless.  Many of the artists I admire never stuck to one type of art.  They continually evolved and did other things.  It's almost like exploring an area and once you know it like the back of your hand it gets boring, so you stretch into the unknown and conquer it all.  That's how I feel about most areas of my life.  Did this, check that, been there, experienced this, etc.  I think that's why I get bored with things so easily.  Once I figure it out or experience it enough, I'm bored or disgusted.  Then I move onto the next thing.

I wonder if most people are this way.  Or maybe I'm just a freak of nature.  Or maybe I'm terrified of applying myself.  Or a combination of all three.  I just get so ambitious that I don't know how to go about finishing something because my mind is then bombarded with other things that pop up.  I'm too scatterbrained.

Ants in my Pants

In preparation for my Christmas time break from school, I've been looking forward to wrapping up the last of my gifts, packing them up along with the rest of my stuff for my 3 day excursion to my parents', and shopping for a dress for a friend's wedding.  And I've also discovered my new obsession: polyvore.com.  In case you haven't checked out my personal little bit on that site, it's basically paper dolls and barbie dress up for the internet.  Minus people.  This has given me a chance to express my personal style without so much as spending a penny.  And getting ideas on what to outfit the boyfriend in.  Turns out I've got amazingly great taste in men's fashion.  So does he, but he's kind of clueless about putting it together.

I feel good about myself because I know I'm doing the right thing in my life and continuing to go down the path before me.  I just wish I had a job that paid me for my worth that isn't in danger of becoming obliterated because of the economy.  I'm starting to understand that I have a lot of talents and that they are worth getting paid to use them.  This is frustrating and I'm sure at some point I'm going to breakdown if I don't find something better.

I'm seriously having dreams about having a different career or being paid $5/hr because my boss can't afford to pay my salary.  Something tells me that's not right.

Any who, I'm pretty excited to be done with my semester.  I get to see lots of my favorite people despite a few I'd rather just wipe out, dress up and do couple things for once, and focus on being happy with what I've got.  Plus I got people some pretty sweet gifts this year, and I don't see crying like this:

I will get even.  I want tears like they just received a swift kick to the nuts on repeat.  You will receive your gift, and you will freaking LOVE ME.

Aside from my psychopathic tendencies with generosity, I'm just happy to return to some kind of normalcy with my daily routine, which includes actually being at home for part of the day and having a day of the weekend off sometimes.  Who would've thunk???

Getting into the Spirit

I saw this house last night on my way to Target.  It reminded me of National Lampoon's Christmas.  I wish I had this kind of dedication for the holidays, but that probably won't happen till I'm retired.  Oh well :)

Some things I'm looking forward to in the next three weeks:

• Christmas vacation (all of 3 days...whoopee!!!)

• My friend's wedding

• New Year's Eve with no limitations like last year

• Going back to 40+ hour work weeks

• Getting more settled into my home (i.e. new bed, new kitchen table, bigger tv, selling my futon, having decorations and things finally all set up)

• Paying off all my bills!!!

• Resolutions

Kind of long, but oh so exciting in a way.  As far as resolutions go though, I'm not waiting till the clock strikes to implement them into my life, I'm doing it now and making sure once the clock strikes that I have a strong determination to keep going strong.  There's still so much I want out of this life and it's tiring to really think about each and every bit of it.  But I'm hanging in there and not letting things get me down.

I don't have new stylish clothes, I don't have a recent or stylish haircut, I don't have a complete home just yet, and I have more needs than wants when it comes to material things, but all that really just speaks opportunity and potential to me, so I think that's all fair.  I'm not in a race to live my life.

I am pretty excited about being on task with things right now though.  All my Christmas shopping is done, and I finally got to use a groupon for something really fun!  I feel like I've been let out of a cage for an hour of free time whenever I actually do go shopping.  It's kind of sad, but it keeps me from going under with my funds.  I wish I could have fun more often, but living within my means signifies limiting my fun to when I can fully afford it and my bills have been paid for the month.  Ugh.  Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Christmas has lit a fire under my butt

Having 95% of all my gifts for people has really let me deal with a lot less stress in my daily life.  I'm actually kind of amazed at how fast I got all my gifts figured out.  And it didn't break my bank either :)

But Christmas signifies a coming to a close on the year, and the new year reminds me that there is time for a renewal.  I feel as though the changes I've noted in my own life will be put into full use come the new year, and so far it seems to bring me nothing but good things.  It's actually kind of cool.  I don't feel as much stress or anger with problems, mostly because I just throw them all away.  I don't feel the need to get up in someone's face with something so trivial.  Ok, so the bank doesn't know how to do it's job.  From now on I make sure what I need to do is prompt (even early) and void of potential errors.

I've always learned the hard way that you cannot blame others for things being late or wrong when you are a part of the problem.  I do literally whatever it takes to make sure that no one can find blame in me for the things I do.  Granted, this is a lot of pressure, but I don't look at it that way.  I'm just living my life and doing my thing.  I don't put that pressure on others because they are not me.  Ultimately if it doesn't work out for them, I'm not to blame.  I hold myself up to high standards and I can't do that to those around me.  It's unfair and it only leads to disappointment.

Ironically that kind of epiphany has made me content with my state and with my relationships, even if bridges have been burned.  I don't get upset about who doesn't talk to me anymore, who's written me off, or anything like that.  And it's mostly because I'm happy doing my thing.  If they aren't a part of it, then oh well, but I'm happy and that's what matters.

It's amazing what things you can enjoy in life.  I had more fun last night just trying dried fruits and nuts at the grocery store with the boyfriend than I would have had I gone out to the bars instead.  I have no idea why, but sometimes goofing off with people you love is just enjoyable.  Also when I got home I got to play with the puppy in the snow and now I wish I could do that every day.

I think some time this week I'm going to drive around and look at the Christmas lights like when I was a kid. Nothing wrong with free entertainment.  And speaking of entertainment, here's a little diddy I made for everyone:

Resolutions

As part of my never-ending growing up, I've reached a new breakthrough in life that most 16-20 year olds will find lame.  But alas, it has happened.  I'm really over the cussing like a sailor and being mean.  I realize I spend too much energy trying to break someone down than just focus on my life and how to make me happy.  I'm trying to avoid negativity in all aspects, and when people get in my face, I just say it like it is.  I have really ceased to care about a lot of insignificant crap and I feel happier with a lot of things in my life.

I've come to learn that the only way to achieve world peace is for each individual to find true happiness within themselves before helping those in need to achieve sustainability in their own lives.  This seems impossible with the greed and selfishness people seem to be plagued with, but I really think that at some point we all experience happiness and we all strive for that level of consciousness.  As long as everyone has a job that makes them feel that they are contributing to the whole in a positive way, people feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their lives.  It's what keeps us going as human beings.

It's Pocahontas!!!

I think the hardest thing is to remain positive when the world is crashing down around you.  People think you're crazy, but in order to continue to go on with your life, you have to look at it that way.  Otherwise nothing will feel rewarding and success will never be measured.  In a sense it's insanity, but insanity is really just repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  Remaining positive always gets a different outcome, as well as perseverance.  I'm entirely convinced people are terrified of being positive because it doesn't feel as exciting as being dramatic and negative.  Negativity breeds misery, and misery loves company.  But being positive has a domino effect, but the payoff is selfless and a lot of people are too selfish to accept that mentality.

Either way, I'm making a point to curb my dirty mouth, let good people into my life, and start doing things that are good for me.  No more consumer-driven greed, no more comparative evaluations, and definitely no more laziness.  Hard work always pays off, and that's a fact.