Onto the Next One

So just after I made a really good update on things, I was delivered some very tragic news.  My boyfriend's father passed away about 2 weeks ago from cancer.  He had been diagnosed last October with lymphosarcoma.  My boyfriend and I had been trying to get time off to fly out and see his dad before he passed and with jobs and costs and not really having anywhere to stay it just never worked out in our favor.  But I know that things happen for a reason and even though he never got to reconnect with his dad, he still had a great relationship and good memories with him.

I'm not really sure what else to say about that, mostly because I don't feel like plastering all this crap about someone else's family and life on the internet.  But we did make it out to New York for the funeral and I got to meet everyone on that side of the family.  And that was really special.  I've never been so warmly welcomed and accepted into a family of someone I've been dating and I'm glad to know I've created some really special relationships there.

On the way back we stopped at my parents' for an extra day to visit with my family and my sister had just gotten back from being abroad in Ghana.  We shared a lot of stories about things and updated each other on our lives.  Also now I want an ipad so I can waste infinite hours playing Monopoly Hotels.

I'm back home now after nearly two weeks being gone and I feel completely lost.  Everything's changed and I'm not sure what direction to go in at this point.  There's been talk of moving again, talk of starting a family, talk of moving in an entirely different direction as far as careers go.  It's scary, but also exciting because I feel like just when I was convinced I needed time to sort things out about me, I've been given a very big shove to move forward.  So once I finish getting things unpacked and some phone calls made, I'll be having a long grown up conversation with the boyfriend about the future.  Nothing scary at this point, but just a way of drawing out a plan of action instead of telling each other "some day".  Time to grow up and get on it!

Back in the saddle

After nearly a 5 month hiatus I have finally returned to the blogging world.  There were a lot of reasons as to why I stopped but after this past month I've realized that those reasons just didn't hold up anymore.  I realize that I made this blog public because I figured that it would give people an insight most bloggers don't have nor share.  (e.g. not mommy blogs, food blogs, beauty blogs, craft blogs, nor comedy, etc.)  What I naively overlooked was the amount of people who would use this blog as a means of spying on me and what's going on in my life, ergo drawing their own conclusions about my personal life (which is not something I want plastered on the internet so I've gone about ways to make sure I don't post anything too personal on here).  I found out about the spying and negative words being passed around and complete lies being told about me, and at first I didn't mind because that's in human nature to gossip, but then it started affecting my family (most importantly my mom) and I didn't want to hurt her because of something I was doing.  That didn't seem fair to me because no one wants phone calls from people saying things that are entirely unfounded or untrue or even blown out of proportion.  Also, my parents live 3 states away from me, so any kind of correspondence we have is usually delayed by a day or two, so no I can't instantly inform them about everything going on in my life, much less things I don't think are significant to their lives in the first place.  I have the type of relationship with my parents that if it's important, you'll tell me.  If it impacts my life, you'll come forth and let me know first.  I realize that might be hard for some people to grasp based on their relationships with their parents, but for me the last thing I want to do is hurt their feelings.  They know I'm an adult and the things I do are my choices and I pay the consequences for my actions.  I can handle my life.  What no one needs is someone looking at a public blog and drawing their own conclusions based on those entries alone about a person and assuming they know what's up and then taking it upon themselves to inform my family about things that ultimately are untrue or skewed.  I don't appreciate having my family calling me at some random ass hour of the night asking me weird questions about what I did last weekend or if I'm dying or if I was in the hospital or something completely unfounded.  It's a waste of time, frankly, and doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, if you followed my blog on Facebook (which if that's the only way you read this blog you probably aren't even reading this), I deleted my Facebook account.  Mostly I just don't like people taking the liberty to spy on me and I also was tired of randoms friending me and then posting crap no one really cares about.  There's a lot of drawbacks at first, but I moved over to Google+ and I like it because it's more private and I only share things with people I trust to share information with.  For everything else there's Twitter, which I'm slowly getting the hang of.  Still kind of annoying though.

Anyway, I stopped avoiding the blogging world because I don't like feeling like I need to hide because of the negativity.  I don't write for that, I write for me and I've been wanting to post a blog since my last post. So I'm not afraid of what people say because if you can't say anything nice to me or about me or anyone, you probably shouldn't be talking in the first place.  I'm back now and hopefully I'll have more stuff to write about other than this.

So an update on what I've been doing aside from avoiding the internet is that I officially threw out the idea that I need a college degree and I need to graduate by x year or semester.  Also I ran out of financial aid (and to be honest you can't not work and be a full time student anymore-it's totally unrealistic).  Since I've stopped being a student I've been a lot happier not having that stress and worry in my life.  It's made me really look into what I want to do as far as a job goes.  I took this entire summer off from work and school as a way of me going back and sharpening my skill set entirely on my own.  By September I plan on applying for big people jobs and networking towards the industry I really want to get into.  This summer has been a kind of soul searching season and really opening myself up to the kinds of things I wish I could put on my resume or experience and I just never did because I had to work or I was in school.  Fortunately I'm with someone who can provide for the both of us and allow me to figure out what I'm really trying to do with my life right now.

Leading up to this point though, I've been through a lot.  And it hasn't been fun.  There's been a lot of strain on certain family members' deteriorating health, a couple scares and some sad realizations that they're not just adults anymore, they're getting old.  I won't go into detail because I know some of them want that to remain private and I respect their wishes.  But it's been hard and I've been trying to keep strong for others.  For me personally, I've had a lot of flack about not being in school, not finishing, but that has all been coming from people who don't want to let me be heard, who don't want to listen to what's really going on with me.  I find it very selfish and unfair as well as rude.  So I just don't listen to it.

One of the biggest things that's happened is I moved out of the city.  I don't entirely hate it because pretty much all of my friends moved away this spring (like out of state) and I wasn't in school anymore so it didn't make sense to be around a bunch of college hipsters.  I actually kind of felt like I was getting stuck in some weird pseudo-high school.  But I do miss uptown.  I miss being around so much activity and the lakes and just having the ability to go anywhere at nearly any time.  Everything shuts down by 9 in the suburbs and I am forever resentful for that.  Mostly because I'm a night owl and usually want to do things by 11 p.m.  But I like where I live and I like knowing this isn't forever.  In fact, with figuring out what exactly I want to do for a job, I'm fully willing to relocate to a bigger city.  I'm young, I don't have any liabilities keeping me from moving around or traveling, so I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of starting some place fresh.

I still can't believe how much has changed within 5 months, but I know that deep down this was meant to happen.  I've faced a lot of let down and disappointment, a lot of that just with myself and I've been spending the last 2 weeks just really trying to figure out what it is I need to be doing differently.  Life has shown me that there is no real happy ending because life is constantly changing and evolving.  I am constantly changing and evolving and adapting to change.  Because of that you can't just be happy with one way of living.  You gotta be able to live many different lifestyles suitable to the situations you find yourself in.  And those happen nearly every day for me.

Life is like a Game of Dodgeball

And you have none of the balls.  Also you have glasses.

Ah, but I digress.  This past month seems to have hit me upside down with new things, twists, and changes.  But they all seem to be for the better.  Still doing the school thing and still chuggin along with that.  Pretty soon summer will be here, but school has no rest.  Just gonna keep truckin till this year is over and I have that degree in my hands.

It's a good thing I'm enjoying all this, at least bits and pieces.  The transition of school full time and the boy working full time has been nothing short of chaotic, but we're learning.  I've become much more of a homebody with school and going out feels like a long distant memory.  However, with these changes has come many shortcomings financially.  And it seems to me that everyone is suffering.  But I know that this too shall pass because of the choices I've made and the choices the boy has made with me.  It's just going to be a really rough and grueling 3 weeks until things are in the clear.

Things are clearing up.  The weather here has been unbelievable.  I feel like I live in California or something.  There has been warmth and April/May type weather for the past 2 weeks now.  I'm waiting for it to go back to being cold though.

This new weather also has me doing some major spring cleaning, as well as planning for some well deserved upgrades.  Hopefully once the year is out I'll be on track with where I want to be financially and with my living situation, as well as my path in life.  I'm still young, but I'm at a pivotal point to where I won't be a student, I'll be a real world adult with nothing holding me back.  Maybe I'll even have a job lined up.  But I doubt that.

I still feel like this year has just started for me, and it's true to some extent since we're barely on our 4th month into the year.  Spring is making me feel like I have time to really reprioritize, reorganize, and really start fresh with things.  I like that feeling.  It's empowering, which I've needed for quite some time.  Having support and security really does make a difference when you're going through so much.

One Step Closer

Having graduation in the back of my mind has been a wonderful source of inspiration and determination to finish out 2012 with a bang.  It also has me really thinking about life after college.  And that's pretty soon.  I'm about 10 1/2 months away from holding a degree and billions of dollars of debt (not literally, but I'm sure it'll feel that way soon enough!).

It makes me wonder what I'm going to do with myself (non-careerwise) when I no longer have  to sign up for classes or have anything to do with school.  Am I gonna be living here still?  I hope not, but I also hope so.  I have no idea where I'll be ending up, but I know that I'll want to be around my friends, possibly family, but around people who really care about me and vice versa.  I definitely would like to get out of the college scene since most of my friends are graduated/graduating as well and have started their own lives and families.  I always thought that lifestyle was for older people in their 30s, but it can start whenever you want it to.  It feels like once I've settled into one way of doing things, I want to switch it up again.  And I guess that's just part of growing up.

I've been looking at a lot of lifestyle choices when it comes to costs, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to have a wedding.  Honestly, in this economy, I don't have 20 grand to throw up for some big show for 200+ people.  Yes, I believe that marriage is a celebration, but I'm not going to kill myself trying to make it happen.  I'm better off getting an elopement.  $50 to get married?  Yes please.

On top of all that, I've been reflecting a lot on myself and just where I am versus where I want to be.  There's quite a lot I'd like to do, however, there is a time and place for everything.  I need to start doing some spring cleaning with my life and lifestyle choices in order to be in the mental and spiritual place I want to be.  I've done it before when I was alone, but the real challenge is doing it with someone else in tow.  I honestly think I can do it, but it's going to take hard work and dedication, and the optimism for when I make mistakes or fall through.  I'm happy with my life, but I'm always happy for change as well.

After a GIANT Break from Nothing....

So much is going on in my life right now.  I don't even know where to begin.  One of my friends got married, and it was an absolute blast to see that happen and celebrate.  After the holiday ended, I was pushed to the brink with work, and with the events that unfolded in the past two weeks, I've come to a decision with that.  The boyfriend was offered 2 jobs during that, and today he started with one of them.  With hearing the good news about his offers, I scheduled an appointment at school to sort out my actual graduation date, and what would happen if I was full time till the end.

I am a full time student again.  I graduate in December 2012.  Holy buckets, I'm going to be an adult with a degree.

As I came to that realization, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I walked away from working.  I put my trust and finances in the hands of someone else willingly.  Let's see if this bites me in the ass in the next couple of months....

But seriously, with the way things have been at my job, I cut that tie cleanly and am not looking back.  After the amounts of verbal abuse, neglect, and lack of respect from the owner, I did what any normal human being would do, and that would be "F***k it all."  Maybe if whipping boy was listed under the responsibilities of this job and it came with twice the salary and full benefits, I'd stick it out; but as Gwen Stefani put it: "this sh*t is bananas."  Sometimes you gotta let it all go and walk away, no matter how much you fear being fucked over by doing that.

I think everyone can relate to that situation, and it's hard.  Especially now since jobs are scarce and job security is basically nonexistent.  But I always have said "If there's a will, there's a way" and there has always been a way.  If you want it, you gotta work for it, and that's what I'm doing now.  I want to graduate, and I'm doing the only thing I can to make that happen-go to school.

I can't let outside opinions and events affect me like they have before.  Reality is always going to be gloomy and pessimistic, but it's working through it and achieving what you want despite the odds against you that really define success.  Anyway, I'm back to being full time and it feels good to be back in the classroom and not feeling like a zombie because I have a job to go to immediately afterward.

I Couldn't Make this Up if I Tried

Greetings and Happy New Year everyone.  Unless you celebrate the Chinese New Year, of which I say, "Well aren't we pretentious?" (Kidding)

I had all intentions on going out and ringing in the new year at the bar behind my house and getting all fancy-but when I got home it was pitch black, wet and cold and I just couldn't get into the going out mood.  Besides, when I got home the boyfriend and I decided to swing by Target to look at TVs.  And guess what?  We got a new one for super cheap.  And then mounted that bitch on our wall.  Shitting of the pants ensued.

I don't even know where that picture is from, but it's both ridiculous and funny, so it works for me.

Even after setting up our new monstrosity, I just decided to be a pants-less fat ass and said "fuck yo couch!" for the remainder of 2011.  I enjoyed this, because I broke open my expensive wine and ate Wendy's.  Things were looking up.

And now that 2012 has finally entered my life, I figured this is a year to actually have resolutions.  They are as follows (in no particular order because I'm too lazy for that):

1. Put my health first
2. Actually care about my state of being
3. React less (violently)
4. Gain 10 pounds (and not 10lbs of pure whatever that I can burn off)
5. Walk the dog more
6. Walk the lakes as much as physically possible considering the weather.
7. Excel in school (either grade wise, getting closer to graduation, or having a greater sense of self accomplishment)

I gave up after 7.  I figured a top 10 would be nice, but I've got enough down already.  Plus gaining 10 lbs is going to be really freakin difficult since my body slips into a food coma if I consume more than 2000 calories a day.

Weak sauce.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to doing real work instead of being all retarded on the internets.  I'll post more later.