Life doesn't want me to succeed

There are things I cannot control.  And it sucks.  It upsets me that I am unable to accomplish the things I need because of outside factors.  Because if it's something I hate, it's not having anything to blame my failure on, including myself.  That doesn't really make sense, but then again, I tend to never make sense.

I'm trying to make things work financially, but I think I'm over-estimating what I can pull off.  I hate having only 1 source of income at the moment.  Seriously not okay.  Costs keep popping up that I never thought about and I'm pretty sure it's going to bite me in the ass pretty soon.  That's always how it is though.  I start thinking "I'm gonna get on top of this, I'm gonna finally be stable" and then it all comes falling apart.  But then again, it's only a temporary thing that I start to fall apart.  Everything evens out, I reach an equilibrium and then life is okay until the next incident.

Maybe it's because I'm an optimist and I like to believe that there's always going to be a happy ending despite all the horrible stuff that keeps happening to me that when things go downhill, they tend to propel to the bottom.  It's like I'm keeping this naive and whimsical attitude about life even though I continually get screwed.  That sounds like insanity.  But once I get through the worst or the best, I know that it is what it is.  I shouldn't keep these expectations for things when they never turn out like I expect them to, yet I do and I don't even realize I'm doing it until I get disappointed.  So I guess I just complain about certain points in time that sucked, but then I move on.

My hardest issue in life seems to be accepting what I cannot change, and forgiveness.  I found a really good essay by C.S. Lewis about forgiveness and it really made me realize how difficult it is for me to forgive.  The whole saying "Forgive and Forget" really is what it's about.  When people say they forgive but don't forget are basically misunderstanding the entire meaning.  What they really mean is they allow excuses, but they never really forgive.  Obviously no one wants to be played for a fool, so you don't just entirely wipe past sins like it never happened in the first place, but when it comes to really forgiving someone, you can't hold on to what it was they did.  If they wronged you, forgive, and don't allow yourself to be wronged again.  People make mistakes, that's a part of life-no one should be held accountable for their wrongdoings after the fact.  What's in the past is in the past-live and let it go.  I have a really hard time with letting things go.  Mostly because I want to immediately feel better when I'm upset.  And that's unrealistic.  But I realize I'm still learning, and I think being able to realize that and understand what that means makes up for a lot of the shit I kept doing in the past that pissed so many people off. Ugh. Growing up never stops.