Reunions

I randomly think about past break ups just because I'm curious to see where the other person is compared to me.  I want to see if they got the happiness they deserved or what they wanted by leaving.  It's not something I often think about, but it pops up from time to time.  Just one of those "where are they now?" moments.

Thanks to Facebook and its wonderful stalking access, I can check up on a particular ex whenever I feel the itch of curiosity overwhelm me.  And boy, today was a jackpot of hilarity and sadness.

No one wants to be that person who's self righteous and vain when it comes to how they ended up in a break up.  But we're all guilty of it when the other person has let themselves go in one way or another and you simply haven't done that.

vs.

Let's face it, sometimes when people go through a seriously horrible break up and they never really are able to "get back on top."  Their future relationships are safe relationships because they aren't as vulnerable as they were in that one relationship.  And sometimes these people have scars that people can clearly see (weight gain, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, etc.).  Which is sad, because most of the time the person they were originally with kept them from going down that road.  Which then gives reason to break up with someone, because you should never have to spend the duration of the relationship preventing and babysitting your loved one from fucking up.  There's no love and happiness in a constant tense and stressful situation.

And it's usually that way in certain break ups: one person takes a turn for the worse and the other takes a turn for the better.  Some people after having gone through something so horrific and heartbreaking seek healing more than anything in the world.  Healing and love and friendship and a nurturing environment to be happy with themselves again.  These people tend to be the phoenix in the ashes and end up dominating their baggage so they then can have a much healthier relationship with someone who becomes a better fit for them because that person has qualities that match what the person wanted to achieve in themselves.  It's like dating a role model or mentor, having someone pushing you to be your best with little to no effort all, they're just themselves.

It's crazy to think I ended up being the successful contender in my breakup, because anyone who knew me when I was with this person knew how much of my life I had poured into that relationship.  I was devastated and completely alone (living out of state from family, no car, nowhere to go) when it happened, and I was so sure that I'd be single forever, waiting for the day he'd come to his senses and be with me.  But the longer the break up lasted and the longer I dealt with the pain and separation, those fears slipped away.  Then came this realization about who I had become and how I wanted to change all that.  And I did.

And by seeing what I wanted to change, making those changes (MUCH easier said than done, trust me!!), I put myself in situations where I ended up dating stronger men, more confident and outgoing men who matched me in life experiences and guts.  After all, it led me to be with the man I love today, and it puts that whole relationship to shame as nothing more than naive puppy love.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be the same for other contender.  And while it's great fun to laugh at the weight gain, loss of hygienic priority, ugly new girlfriend, and horrible taste in new wardrobe, I realize that that's probably what he wanted all along.  I was more of a fantasy that he played out, and when he realized it couldn't be a reality for him, he let it go.  But that too is also sad.  I don't think anyone should feel like the person they're with is out of their league and that they have to be someone they're not in order to be with them.  As long as you're yourself, nothing should stop you from having a relationship with someone you find attractive and great.  There's always a certain compatibility aside from physical attraction that makes a lasting relationship, and if you can't be honest about who you really are and what you stand for, then the relationship you've started will fail.  No one can have the fairytale with someone they have nothing in common with.