Oh, hello middle of the semester; gonna stay a couple of weeks, yeah?

This would be me, if I wasn't a redhead or obsessed with ugly pink thermal button downs.

The best thing I've learned on how to deal with midterms is that if you bomb them, you still have a whole HALF of the semester to make up for it!  So I may have blown off my ceramics project this week, but next week I plan on not only finishing that and starting my third one, but to formally file a complaint with the University about having grad students teach studio art courses.  Why?  Because a monkey could do a better job teaching than these two bitches in my ceramics studio.  "Hey, so btw, now that school has started for a week but this is our first class, we're *just* now informing you that you have a required 2 hour lab and ALL of you must be able to meet for it.  Oh, and we're just gonna take a vote.  P.S. we hate having to stay on campus longer than the absolute bare minimum, so don't try and pick some crazy ass hours that only work for  you.  We're just trying to be fair."  Really??  I'm paying 20 grand a year for this shit?  Omg, that's so hilarious, because if that's the case I'm going to make your life a LIVING HELL.

This is the exact same reason I dropped my sculpture class last semester.  My first project for that class was to create a mask made out recyclable materials.  Wow, I can bet good money I made one of those in 4th grade.  I can also bet good money my mom still has that mask in storage somewhere with all my other school projects.  What's more frustrating than anything is that there are other students who are more blessed who did end up with a professor teaching their studio course, but because of how my schedule works out, I get stuck with the shaft.

And then people wonder why I'm still in school.  Well, it's because I keep dropping a class the minute I find out it's total bullshit and then retake it again the following semester with a MUCH more qualified professor.  And then I learn 10x as much as I would have the first semester and actually feel spending so much money spent on tuition was worth it.  I'd rather be in so many thousands of dollars in debt than have minimal debt but still be a dumb ass in my field.  And what's so sad is that my field is probably one of the most vast fields anyone can get into.  That's saying a lot if you're a dumb ass with an art degree.

Anyway, aside from that horrible kink in my semester, I'm excited to see a light at the end of this tunnel.  That light is a false hope called student debt.  But I figure that student debt is better than being an eternal undergrad.  I'm finally in stride to finishing that part of my life and moving on to the next one.  Being a grown up is expensive and exhausting, so I figure at least I'm doing my best to prepare with finishing school.

Getting to the core of the problem

Can we just establish that I hate needles and refuse to give blood because of the horrible anxiety I get from placing my arm in front of me waiting to get stabbed?  Good.  I had blood tests run yesterday for my physical, and I absolutely despise that entire procedure.  What's worse is that they have all these xeroxed pictures of cute puppies and kittens and bunnies sleeping or looking adorable to try and calm your nerves so that when they do stick you and draw copious amounts of blood from you, you're somehow distracted like a kid with ADD.  Well, I don't have ADD, and my instincts are so strong that even if I'm thinking "omg that bunny is effing CUTE", I still am fully aware that "OW, that really hurt and you're making it worse by moving that thing you've put in my vein, you sick freak!"  So instead of being happily distracted, looking at cute pictures has a bittersweet effect on me now.  That might be cute, but I'm fully prepared to be ambushed by someone if I see cute pictures everywhere.

And nothing is worse than seeing 6 little vials of your blood next to you on a tray.  The movies never get the true color of blood right.  Depending on the volume and amount, it could be bright red or almost purple.  Regardless, that mess was dark and scary looking.

Anyway, aside from that traumatic excursion, school and the weather are doing a wonderful job of distracting me from the not so nice parts of my life.  Spring WILL be here early, and if not, I'm going to live like it is because it just means I'm one step closer to summer.  Summer signifies that I have completed all my pre-requisites for both my major and minor, as well as a whole giant new step in my relationship.  I'm closer to graduation, the real world, and a happy (significantly less) stress-free relationship.

I like to think that I'm taking care of things, but I'm not *quite* there yet.  Lots more doctor's stuff has to be appointed (nothing scary or serious, just time for routine check-ups/procedures I've been neglecting mostly since I've had my braces removed/moving up north), much organization/budgeting to be completed, as well as getting all my ducks in a row before I can enjoy play time.  So, onto a boring life (still), and hopes for a much more exciting one later.

Mental Health

After having probably one of the worst weekends yet, I now have 2 doctor's appointments to find out what is going on with my body and state of mind.  Not that I need therapy, but just to make sure my biological makeup as of current is healthy, and to see if I'll actually be put on some normal type of birth control.  Who knows?  I could see this just being a continuation of messed up hormones, or maybe a holy grail of internal mental peace.  We'll see.

I have started to realize that my attitude and outlook on relationships now stems a lot from within myself.  And I realize that I need to be more open to making friends and keeping a tight lid on talking about relationship problems with people.  I've run in with someone who thinks they know what I need, when they barely know me.  And although that's nice they feel compelled to give me advice, it's inappropriate.  If anything I now know that the way I've been dealing with things in my life is unhealthy, and I have to figure out a healthy and different way of going about it.  Instead of just drifting through day after day and never knowing when I'm going to see or talk to anyone ever again and leaving it up to everyone else, I need to be proactive.

I feel like a rolling stone picking up speed

I've finally hit that point in the semester where I no longer have time to laze around, slide by with introductory lectures and waste time sitting on my ass and not caring about class.  Which actually is good.  I'm happy with how this semester is playing out so far, and I'm satisfied knowing the work I'm doing will pay off.

I'm so focused on myself that I'm not depressed, emotionally unstable, or overwhelmed by life.  Today has finally been a step in the right direction.  But I also know that the seduction to make excuses is literally right on my neck, constantly hovering there like a whisper.  My way of dealing with not screwing up is to completely ignore doing anything other than one thing: school and work.  Having fun feels like some not-too-far-off place called summer.  And summer is effing CLOSE in my head.

I see now that spring semester's have always been my strong point because 1) there's spring break 2) my birthday signifies the end and 3) it gets warm and sunny.  I may hate the end of summer with a fire of a thousand suns, but damn I love the promise of it coming, because it creeps ever so sweetly into my life that I'm distracted and happy.  Plus this year in particular gives me exceptional motivation to do well and finish strong.

Aside from that, I keep having dreams about friends I haven't seen nor talked to in years and months.  It makes me want to reconnect with them, but I know at this point, I don't have the time to try and salvage something only I seem to want to try and salvage.  It makes me terribly sad to know that I'm losing so much, but I also know that I'm only 23, which means there are plenty of other people to meet and make friends with.  I still have plenty of time till this girl wants to settle down and be a real-life adult, which means more adventures and friends to make.  And if it's one thing I'm good at, it's being social.

Reunions

I randomly think about past break ups just because I'm curious to see where the other person is compared to me.  I want to see if they got the happiness they deserved or what they wanted by leaving.  It's not something I often think about, but it pops up from time to time.  Just one of those "where are they now?" moments.

Thanks to Facebook and its wonderful stalking access, I can check up on a particular ex whenever I feel the itch of curiosity overwhelm me.  And boy, today was a jackpot of hilarity and sadness.

No one wants to be that person who's self righteous and vain when it comes to how they ended up in a break up.  But we're all guilty of it when the other person has let themselves go in one way or another and you simply haven't done that.

vs.

Let's face it, sometimes when people go through a seriously horrible break up and they never really are able to "get back on top."  Their future relationships are safe relationships because they aren't as vulnerable as they were in that one relationship.  And sometimes these people have scars that people can clearly see (weight gain, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, etc.).  Which is sad, because most of the time the person they were originally with kept them from going down that road.  Which then gives reason to break up with someone, because you should never have to spend the duration of the relationship preventing and babysitting your loved one from fucking up.  There's no love and happiness in a constant tense and stressful situation.

And it's usually that way in certain break ups: one person takes a turn for the worse and the other takes a turn for the better.  Some people after having gone through something so horrific and heartbreaking seek healing more than anything in the world.  Healing and love and friendship and a nurturing environment to be happy with themselves again.  These people tend to be the phoenix in the ashes and end up dominating their baggage so they then can have a much healthier relationship with someone who becomes a better fit for them because that person has qualities that match what the person wanted to achieve in themselves.  It's like dating a role model or mentor, having someone pushing you to be your best with little to no effort all, they're just themselves.

It's crazy to think I ended up being the successful contender in my breakup, because anyone who knew me when I was with this person knew how much of my life I had poured into that relationship.  I was devastated and completely alone (living out of state from family, no car, nowhere to go) when it happened, and I was so sure that I'd be single forever, waiting for the day he'd come to his senses and be with me.  But the longer the break up lasted and the longer I dealt with the pain and separation, those fears slipped away.  Then came this realization about who I had become and how I wanted to change all that.  And I did.

And by seeing what I wanted to change, making those changes (MUCH easier said than done, trust me!!), I put myself in situations where I ended up dating stronger men, more confident and outgoing men who matched me in life experiences and guts.  After all, it led me to be with the man I love today, and it puts that whole relationship to shame as nothing more than naive puppy love.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be the same for other contender.  And while it's great fun to laugh at the weight gain, loss of hygienic priority, ugly new girlfriend, and horrible taste in new wardrobe, I realize that that's probably what he wanted all along.  I was more of a fantasy that he played out, and when he realized it couldn't be a reality for him, he let it go.  But that too is also sad.  I don't think anyone should feel like the person they're with is out of their league and that they have to be someone they're not in order to be with them.  As long as you're yourself, nothing should stop you from having a relationship with someone you find attractive and great.  There's always a certain compatibility aside from physical attraction that makes a lasting relationship, and if you can't be honest about who you really are and what you stand for, then the relationship you've started will fail.  No one can have the fairytale with someone they have nothing in common with.

Getting into the swing of this year

My focus is back to being sharp, my confidence in my creative ability and knowledge in school is back.  Which is all great, but I keep dreaming of bigger things going for me.  Like after graduating, having a family, being a real world adult.

Actually all that stuff still feels far off in the distance, but right now more than anything I want my environment to be nurturing to my creativity and tenacity.  I want to decorate my house, decorate myself, and actually get a routine down as to how I want to take care of myself.  And after many years of going it alone for the sake of just being alive, I want to live my life now.  I want to enjoy each day, look in the mirror and think, yay!  and not "ugh".  I don't want to think of all the coulda shoulda woulda's and instead actually DO them.  Do the damn thang!  Or at least not bitch in the back of my head about how I didn't.

I realize that I need to be more open and uplifting around others because my negativity pushes them away.  I can see it now and I never really realized I had that kind of control before.  It's just another way I need to make changes within myself...well, more like a shift than a change.

All kinds of a mess

It seems that every aspect of my life is continuing to prove itself difficult, and this seems to be the year that I have to deal with it all and find a resolution to the mess that keeps piling up.  My health, both physical and mental are coming apart at the seams and for the first time I'm not becoming overwhelmed by it all; instead I'm looking at ways to battle it all and come to a solution.  I guess this is what growing up means.  I'm finally entering another stage of adulthood and looking at it with a different lens.  Instead of whining and complaining about things being difficult, I'm embracing things (little by little, mind you) as welcome challenges in order to improve myself.

I've noticed that I no longer make useless lists of what I need to accomplish, only to look at later on as a list of what I won't accomplish because I don't feel it's a priority.  I tend to no longer seek advice from friends and family as to how to progress with my life because I realize I'm in the driver's seat and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of my decisions.

I also realize that this kind of focus and mentality has really put a giant pause on my social life.  A lot of my friends have faded into the background or seemingly fallen off the face of the earth.  And although I wish that weren't so, I can't be the one to preserve the friendship when I have so much I need to work out in my own life.  My own life and happiness are what matter to me most right now, and anyone not willing to respect that nor work around that is a destructive distraction to me.  I don't expect the rest of my life to be like this, because I will overcome things that need to be addressed this year, but I like to think of my social life being on hiatus at this point, at least when it comes to my efforts in things.

I feel better knowing what is expected of myself when it comes to my life, and I'm extremely psyched to see where the next 7 years takes me, but at this point, right now, I can't just be carefree and not expect the consequences of my actions to bite me in the ass at some point in the (very) near future.

I think at some point in your life you realize that there's no longer an hourglass placed in front of you, which usually happens after you've reached 21.  Life isn't over, it's only begun, because now you're able to literally experience anything and everything the world has to offer, no restrictions.  It can only be understood once you've reached that point in your life, and I think I've hit it this year.  There will always be a next year, next month, next time, which means the possibilities are endless when it comes to living.  My relationship has shown me that more than anything else, I think.  I no longer fear deadlines, reaching certain ages, or not being in the same demographic as the rest of my generation.  I relish in being different, and these past few months have opened my eyes as to how wonderful being different is.  Many of my true friends are different in the sense that I am different, and they're happy.  They enjoy life, they are fulfilled, and it took me a bit to catch up and understand why that is.