I feel like a rolling stone picking up speed

I've finally hit that point in the semester where I no longer have time to laze around, slide by with introductory lectures and waste time sitting on my ass and not caring about class.  Which actually is good.  I'm happy with how this semester is playing out so far, and I'm satisfied knowing the work I'm doing will pay off.

I'm so focused on myself that I'm not depressed, emotionally unstable, or overwhelmed by life.  Today has finally been a step in the right direction.  But I also know that the seduction to make excuses is literally right on my neck, constantly hovering there like a whisper.  My way of dealing with not screwing up is to completely ignore doing anything other than one thing: school and work.  Having fun feels like some not-too-far-off place called summer.  And summer is effing CLOSE in my head.

I see now that spring semester's have always been my strong point because 1) there's spring break 2) my birthday signifies the end and 3) it gets warm and sunny.  I may hate the end of summer with a fire of a thousand suns, but damn I love the promise of it coming, because it creeps ever so sweetly into my life that I'm distracted and happy.  Plus this year in particular gives me exceptional motivation to do well and finish strong.

Aside from that, I keep having dreams about friends I haven't seen nor talked to in years and months.  It makes me want to reconnect with them, but I know at this point, I don't have the time to try and salvage something only I seem to want to try and salvage.  It makes me terribly sad to know that I'm losing so much, but I also know that I'm only 23, which means there are plenty of other people to meet and make friends with.  I still have plenty of time till this girl wants to settle down and be a real-life adult, which means more adventures and friends to make.  And if it's one thing I'm good at, it's being social.

Reunions

I randomly think about past break ups just because I'm curious to see where the other person is compared to me.  I want to see if they got the happiness they deserved or what they wanted by leaving.  It's not something I often think about, but it pops up from time to time.  Just one of those "where are they now?" moments.

Thanks to Facebook and its wonderful stalking access, I can check up on a particular ex whenever I feel the itch of curiosity overwhelm me.  And boy, today was a jackpot of hilarity and sadness.

No one wants to be that person who's self righteous and vain when it comes to how they ended up in a break up.  But we're all guilty of it when the other person has let themselves go in one way or another and you simply haven't done that.

vs.

Let's face it, sometimes when people go through a seriously horrible break up and they never really are able to "get back on top."  Their future relationships are safe relationships because they aren't as vulnerable as they were in that one relationship.  And sometimes these people have scars that people can clearly see (weight gain, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, etc.).  Which is sad, because most of the time the person they were originally with kept them from going down that road.  Which then gives reason to break up with someone, because you should never have to spend the duration of the relationship preventing and babysitting your loved one from fucking up.  There's no love and happiness in a constant tense and stressful situation.

And it's usually that way in certain break ups: one person takes a turn for the worse and the other takes a turn for the better.  Some people after having gone through something so horrific and heartbreaking seek healing more than anything in the world.  Healing and love and friendship and a nurturing environment to be happy with themselves again.  These people tend to be the phoenix in the ashes and end up dominating their baggage so they then can have a much healthier relationship with someone who becomes a better fit for them because that person has qualities that match what the person wanted to achieve in themselves.  It's like dating a role model or mentor, having someone pushing you to be your best with little to no effort all, they're just themselves.

It's crazy to think I ended up being the successful contender in my breakup, because anyone who knew me when I was with this person knew how much of my life I had poured into that relationship.  I was devastated and completely alone (living out of state from family, no car, nowhere to go) when it happened, and I was so sure that I'd be single forever, waiting for the day he'd come to his senses and be with me.  But the longer the break up lasted and the longer I dealt with the pain and separation, those fears slipped away.  Then came this realization about who I had become and how I wanted to change all that.  And I did.

And by seeing what I wanted to change, making those changes (MUCH easier said than done, trust me!!), I put myself in situations where I ended up dating stronger men, more confident and outgoing men who matched me in life experiences and guts.  After all, it led me to be with the man I love today, and it puts that whole relationship to shame as nothing more than naive puppy love.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be the same for other contender.  And while it's great fun to laugh at the weight gain, loss of hygienic priority, ugly new girlfriend, and horrible taste in new wardrobe, I realize that that's probably what he wanted all along.  I was more of a fantasy that he played out, and when he realized it couldn't be a reality for him, he let it go.  But that too is also sad.  I don't think anyone should feel like the person they're with is out of their league and that they have to be someone they're not in order to be with them.  As long as you're yourself, nothing should stop you from having a relationship with someone you find attractive and great.  There's always a certain compatibility aside from physical attraction that makes a lasting relationship, and if you can't be honest about who you really are and what you stand for, then the relationship you've started will fail.  No one can have the fairytale with someone they have nothing in common with.

Getting into the swing of this year

My focus is back to being sharp, my confidence in my creative ability and knowledge in school is back.  Which is all great, but I keep dreaming of bigger things going for me.  Like after graduating, having a family, being a real world adult.

Actually all that stuff still feels far off in the distance, but right now more than anything I want my environment to be nurturing to my creativity and tenacity.  I want to decorate my house, decorate myself, and actually get a routine down as to how I want to take care of myself.  And after many years of going it alone for the sake of just being alive, I want to live my life now.  I want to enjoy each day, look in the mirror and think, yay!  and not "ugh".  I don't want to think of all the coulda shoulda woulda's and instead actually DO them.  Do the damn thang!  Or at least not bitch in the back of my head about how I didn't.

I realize that I need to be more open and uplifting around others because my negativity pushes them away.  I can see it now and I never really realized I had that kind of control before.  It's just another way I need to make changes within myself...well, more like a shift than a change.

All kinds of a mess

It seems that every aspect of my life is continuing to prove itself difficult, and this seems to be the year that I have to deal with it all and find a resolution to the mess that keeps piling up.  My health, both physical and mental are coming apart at the seams and for the first time I'm not becoming overwhelmed by it all; instead I'm looking at ways to battle it all and come to a solution.  I guess this is what growing up means.  I'm finally entering another stage of adulthood and looking at it with a different lens.  Instead of whining and complaining about things being difficult, I'm embracing things (little by little, mind you) as welcome challenges in order to improve myself.

I've noticed that I no longer make useless lists of what I need to accomplish, only to look at later on as a list of what I won't accomplish because I don't feel it's a priority.  I tend to no longer seek advice from friends and family as to how to progress with my life because I realize I'm in the driver's seat and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of my decisions.

I also realize that this kind of focus and mentality has really put a giant pause on my social life.  A lot of my friends have faded into the background or seemingly fallen off the face of the earth.  And although I wish that weren't so, I can't be the one to preserve the friendship when I have so much I need to work out in my own life.  My own life and happiness are what matter to me most right now, and anyone not willing to respect that nor work around that is a destructive distraction to me.  I don't expect the rest of my life to be like this, because I will overcome things that need to be addressed this year, but I like to think of my social life being on hiatus at this point, at least when it comes to my efforts in things.

I feel better knowing what is expected of myself when it comes to my life, and I'm extremely psyched to see where the next 7 years takes me, but at this point, right now, I can't just be carefree and not expect the consequences of my actions to bite me in the ass at some point in the (very) near future.

I think at some point in your life you realize that there's no longer an hourglass placed in front of you, which usually happens after you've reached 21.  Life isn't over, it's only begun, because now you're able to literally experience anything and everything the world has to offer, no restrictions.  It can only be understood once you've reached that point in your life, and I think I've hit it this year.  There will always be a next year, next month, next time, which means the possibilities are endless when it comes to living.  My relationship has shown me that more than anything else, I think.  I no longer fear deadlines, reaching certain ages, or not being in the same demographic as the rest of my generation.  I relish in being different, and these past few months have opened my eyes as to how wonderful being different is.  Many of my true friends are different in the sense that I am different, and they're happy.  They enjoy life, they are fulfilled, and it took me a bit to catch up and understand why that is.

Reality Check

After a discussion with the boyfriend yesterday, the reality of what the next 6 months is going to do to us is finally starting to come into focus for me.  I had it made up in my mind things would be sunshine and flowers after this past summer, but from the looks of it, there isn't going to be any return to normalcy until the end of this coming summer for our relationship.  And this is a little unsettling, mostly due to the fact that my ambitious brain and optimistic side seemed to flare up at the hope of returning to normalcy.

I tend to look at life as a diamond in the rough for each individual person.  I see the ugliness and unfairness and cruelty that makes up this world that's dominated by Western society.  And I know quite a few people (including the boyfriend) who are completely depressed, heartbroken and discouraged by that reality.  They can't see past the ugliness and hopelessness of Consumerism, violence, greed, power, and the perverted twists that have sprung up in our morals over the past few decades.

I don't see it that way.  I don't really understand how, but I somehow overlook the negative and see the potential and joy that exists in the small moments of every day life.  The easiest analogy I can think of is how when you look through a window you see the outside world, but if you look again, you can see your reflection in the window because of the glass.  I would say that I see the reflection when everyone else sees what's through it.

That doesn't mean that I'm ignorant or naive to what's really going on.  People love to keep me informed, as well as myself.  I do have an education, and I keep myself aware of what's happening around me.  I just have a different perspective than most people.

I am disheartened knowing the next six months or so are going to be trying times for me and my relationship.  I don't know of anyone going through what I'm dealing with, so I'm on my own when it comes to figuring out how to get by the day by day stuff.  Just gotta look at the big picture while keeping track of the small things.

The thing about babies...

I'm not one to hate, but I think pregnant bellies look ridiculous if not covered up.  The above picture makes me laugh, just because bellies are funny to me.

But that's not the point in this post.  Actually I'm trying to wrap my mind around the change in society where people will have children together, but won't get married.  My boyfriend has told me countless times about how he'd like to have children with me one day, but the talk about actually getting married has been a very mute conversation, one that hardly ever comes up except during times of intense evaluation of the relationship.  I don't understand this, mostly because I would think the hardest commitment to make would be to stay with someone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  I believe that kids encumbers a part of that commitment, not being a separate part.  Now, committing to your kids is different, but you don't tell your kids, hey, I'm going to have you now, so be ready to be born and be a part of my life!  Kids don't have that choice.

All I know when it comes to having baby daddies....I'll never have THIS reaction:

I'm so mean...not really.  

I keep thinking about relationships, and when it comes down to it, I don't feel 100% about marriage.  And that should be normal.  I have too many unknowns or fuzzy areas with this guy that only time can clear up for me.  It just takes time to get to know someone and to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  Which is why I get so completely confused as to why people want to "have each other's babies" but not get married.  I don't understand why people want to be parents, but not husbands and wives.  When did a negative connotation come with marriage?

Car accidents and Family Matters

That would have totally sucked if that were my car!!  But it's not.  I got into a car accident today (no one was harmed though!) on my way to run some errands.  I won't post the details, but I hit a pedestrian while making a left turn (right after waiting at a stop light) and then got rear-ended immediately after.  My bumper is all smashed up, but the trunk still opens!  I'm grateful to be alive and well, although I'm pretty sure whip lash is going to hurt like hell tomorrow.

Aside from that, major family drama has been going on with my boyfriend's sister.  I'm not going to post all his dirty laundry on here, but she posted some seriously insulting stuff on her facebook profile (which I've now blocked) that insulted her own father, her step mother, my boyfriend, and me (I take offense to what she posted about him, like, I got so mad I saw red).  But it's funny that the moment I found out about all this insulting drama is when I got in my car accident.  Needless to say, everyone in her family has blocked/removed her from their facebook accounts as well as blocked/removed/deleted her phone number.  In a nutshell: girls with abandonment issues and daddy issues who are single parents with different baby daddies will use sob stories to get money from long lost family members to support their selfish materialistic lifestyles that leave them lonely and unfulfilled.  Turns out being 23 and a parent doesn't make you a grown up.   Who knew??

But the strange turn of events made me really happy with my life.  And I'll be honest, I started out this morning with a sour note, and now it's turned into something very positive and spiritual and gratifying.  I'm happy to be alive, to still have a drivable car, to have supporting and loving family, to have a job that gives me the best hours ever, and to have a solid future ahead of myself.  I felt that way while walking into work.  And then I found 5 dollars. (I've always wanted to use that phrase.)

But the bigger picture is this: someone always has it worse than you; someone always has it better than you, but our lives and our living situations are ours to make the best of.  You either accept the fact that your life sucks and make it the best sucky life ever, or you can wallow in your own pity and alienate yourself from every finding true happiness in life.  I was so upset because a shirt I bought over my Christmas vacation shrank in the wash and I was so upset because I felt like I have no clothes that fit me, that I'm losing too much weight, I'm too skinny, blah blah blah...and now I'm feeling great, I look cute today, I did my makeup, I took a hot shower (to help with the neck pain), I divulged in my own simple pleasures to make me happy today, and I'm excited to come home to a man who makes my heart feel like liquid gold.