My life has too much in it

Gotta stick with my Alice in Wonderland theme.  Not really, I don't have rules like that in my life.  But this picture is fun and pertains to how I feel most days.  Like I've got too much going on.  Which is kind of not true because there's a lot I don't have going on.  Like friends.  And fun.  At least this kind of fun:

Or this:

Or maybe even a little bit of this:

I think everyone envies those who are on vacation.  Lots of fun and money to blow on fun.  It's an escape from reality.  I know that there is a lot going on in my life.  And although it means I have a lot, much of it is undesired and takes up room for the stuff I want in my life.  I mean, I have accepted a lot of shitty situations in my life, and although they are temporary, they aren't going away for a while yet.  And that prevents me from doing other things.  Like having fun, or hanging out with friends, or doing fun random shit like I used to.

But it's also put a lot of things in perspective about the people I've met.  90% of them are flakes.  They're not reliable, solid dependable people.  Turns out most people depend on me, and that's a really bad idea.  I don't consider myself to be that solid and reliable, mostly because I can only do so much until it starts coming back to me from the other end.  I get burnt out too easily trying to hang out with people or plan things, and most of the time it never really pays off.  So I get a lazy attitude about it.  I get the mindset of "well if people would commit and show up, I'd throw a kick ass party" and stop trying.

But it's not just friendships I miss out on.  It's also free time to actually explore my hobbies and passions, travel, grow up a little more.  I like having things to do, like going to art museums for fun, going to the movies with a group of friends, hiking, having random responsibilities besides taking care of myself.  I don't have the kind of income to support that though, and that prohibits me from really enjoying a lot of what I'd like to do.  Instead I'm stuck paying bills, working when I can afford to, and incessantly stressing out about school and the inability to graduate.  Lots of unfun, icky and boring things that require lots of my time.  And then I wonder why I'm so burnt out when I actually have free time.

I guess when I'm over throwing temper tantrums and have time to calm down and take a step back to review my life with fresh eyes, I feel motivated and upbeat to get it all done.  But when you get down to the grind, everything sucks.  Here's looking forward to May.

What horrible mess this all is

I talk the talk more than I walk the walk.  And I walk the walk begrudgingly.  I used to think I'm just lazy, but lately I think I have a strong reluctance to follow other people's expectations.  Because I think I can do it better, and I think that their schedule is asking for shit when mine gives you perfection.  Yeah, I take a lot longer to get it completed, but when it's complete, it looks amazing.

But that's only if I want to do it.  If I don't...it's complete crap either way.  Which is why I've been taking almost a decade to graduate with probably one of the shittiest undergrad degrees you can get.  Other than fighting the fact that I'm not an academic bookworm, I just don't work with other people's schedules.  I get things done on my time or they don't get done.

That doesn't mean it makes it right.  I should be able to complete projects when they are due, turn in assignments on time, turn in something that isn't a failing grade, but I simply can't.  I've tried.  I've made to-do lists, set alarms to get up on time to get it all done, cleared my schedule to make it all happen, made appointments with people-and it doesn't happen.  Instead I end up doing other things, like laundry, going to the bank, filing my taxes, cleaning my house, taking a shower, etc.  Somehow my productive mind goes haywire and I get things done, but the things that require a time period of completion are left in the dust.  The reality of it all upsets me to no end, and I take it out on myself.  I throw tantrums screaming "I'm stupid and a failure" and argue with anyone who says otherwise.

I cease to see a point in doing anything because I'm never going to get a job in this economy doing anything I love because you can't make money as an artist and you have to be a yuppy pretentious hipster to get a decent job with any design firm, not to mention anything that will give you a 401k and health insurance.  I don't know how to be an adult, and school is definitely not showing me how.  I'm surrounded by dorm room teenagers who have their parents paying for everything. I don't relate to anyone anymore because I'm not an adult and I'm not a child.  I'm some weird separate thing that has all the responsibilities of an adult but all the resources of a student.  And I hate it.

What's the most frustrating is having people tell me that many other students go through what I'm going through.  And that's a load of bullshit.  Everyone is younger than me, everyone has their parents to help, they aren't living in a situation that legally is so scary and stressful and limiting that I have to be careful about everything.  I can't be honest with anyone because they'll judge me, they're unable to relate, or they can't help even if I do tell them what's up.  The last thing I want to do is be honest with someone and it not make a damn bit of a difference in the end.  If I open up about my life, I should get some kind of help or leeway or compassion, but that's not realistic.  I'm not here for sympathy or a handout.  I'm here because I have nothing else to do.  I feel trapped in my own life a lot of the time because I'm not where I want to be, but I can't get there either.  It's like it doesn't exist.

Spring is in the air, even if snow is falling in it too

This picture makes me laugh.

Although I live in a place that holds onto winter with a death grip, spring comes through eventually, and this year it seems to want to come with a vengeance despite the weather being so uncooperative.  Spring means filing my taxes, cleaning out my car (this is probably the messiest it's ever been on record), cleaning out clutter, purging myself of junk and unhealthy things.  Time to get fresh!

Except I don't have enough motivation to really be gung-ho about spring.  All the above just means I have to do more stuff, add onto my never-ending to-do list, and spend more time doing work than actually enjoying myself.  Am I complaining?  Of course!!  Why?  Because I'm still a kid at heart and all I ever want is play time, shopping trips, travels, sleep overs, toys, and relaxation.

But that's for summer.

I do have a couple of things to look forward to that will make this pay off of busting my butt so much sweeter.   My family is coming up to visit me for almost a WHOLE WEEK!!  They all get to formally meet the boy, and I get to have social interaction that doesn't involve missing class.  Also, in the next couple of weeks, the boy will have more time to spend with me, which means more free time and more adventures.  No more cabin fever!!

But the reality of my life is always right there to bite me as well.  Since the economy is going to shit very quickly, I'm left with having to find a new job.  One that pays more and gives me more hours.  I'm not sure if it will be with retail, but I need something solid going for me, and what's going on right now just honestly isn't cutting it.  It'd be great if I could talk to my boss about all this, but all she's ever told me is that it's out of her power and that this is affecting everyone at the store (and I call bullshit).  No need to get into it on here, but I know that I can't afford to just be sympathetic while my paycheck drops to half the amount it used to be.  A girl's gotta eat, and pay bills, and be able to put gas in her car (and now that gas is creeping back up to $4 a gallon, that's bogus).  I should get out while I'm ahead anyway instead of seeing the store go under, because that's what's about to happen if I go.  Maybe not, but it's not gonna look good.

Anyway, enough rambling and more doing.  Time to go and do schoolwork, laundry, grocery shopping, and whatever else I can think of.

Oh, hello middle of the semester; gonna stay a couple of weeks, yeah?

This would be me, if I wasn't a redhead or obsessed with ugly pink thermal button downs.

The best thing I've learned on how to deal with midterms is that if you bomb them, you still have a whole HALF of the semester to make up for it!  So I may have blown off my ceramics project this week, but next week I plan on not only finishing that and starting my third one, but to formally file a complaint with the University about having grad students teach studio art courses.  Why?  Because a monkey could do a better job teaching than these two bitches in my ceramics studio.  "Hey, so btw, now that school has started for a week but this is our first class, we're *just* now informing you that you have a required 2 hour lab and ALL of you must be able to meet for it.  Oh, and we're just gonna take a vote.  P.S. we hate having to stay on campus longer than the absolute bare minimum, so don't try and pick some crazy ass hours that only work for  you.  We're just trying to be fair."  Really??  I'm paying 20 grand a year for this shit?  Omg, that's so hilarious, because if that's the case I'm going to make your life a LIVING HELL.

This is the exact same reason I dropped my sculpture class last semester.  My first project for that class was to create a mask made out recyclable materials.  Wow, I can bet good money I made one of those in 4th grade.  I can also bet good money my mom still has that mask in storage somewhere with all my other school projects.  What's more frustrating than anything is that there are other students who are more blessed who did end up with a professor teaching their studio course, but because of how my schedule works out, I get stuck with the shaft.

And then people wonder why I'm still in school.  Well, it's because I keep dropping a class the minute I find out it's total bullshit and then retake it again the following semester with a MUCH more qualified professor.  And then I learn 10x as much as I would have the first semester and actually feel spending so much money spent on tuition was worth it.  I'd rather be in so many thousands of dollars in debt than have minimal debt but still be a dumb ass in my field.  And what's so sad is that my field is probably one of the most vast fields anyone can get into.  That's saying a lot if you're a dumb ass with an art degree.

Anyway, aside from that horrible kink in my semester, I'm excited to see a light at the end of this tunnel.  That light is a false hope called student debt.  But I figure that student debt is better than being an eternal undergrad.  I'm finally in stride to finishing that part of my life and moving on to the next one.  Being a grown up is expensive and exhausting, so I figure at least I'm doing my best to prepare with finishing school.

Getting to the core of the problem

Can we just establish that I hate needles and refuse to give blood because of the horrible anxiety I get from placing my arm in front of me waiting to get stabbed?  Good.  I had blood tests run yesterday for my physical, and I absolutely despise that entire procedure.  What's worse is that they have all these xeroxed pictures of cute puppies and kittens and bunnies sleeping or looking adorable to try and calm your nerves so that when they do stick you and draw copious amounts of blood from you, you're somehow distracted like a kid with ADD.  Well, I don't have ADD, and my instincts are so strong that even if I'm thinking "omg that bunny is effing CUTE", I still am fully aware that "OW, that really hurt and you're making it worse by moving that thing you've put in my vein, you sick freak!"  So instead of being happily distracted, looking at cute pictures has a bittersweet effect on me now.  That might be cute, but I'm fully prepared to be ambushed by someone if I see cute pictures everywhere.

And nothing is worse than seeing 6 little vials of your blood next to you on a tray.  The movies never get the true color of blood right.  Depending on the volume and amount, it could be bright red or almost purple.  Regardless, that mess was dark and scary looking.

Anyway, aside from that traumatic excursion, school and the weather are doing a wonderful job of distracting me from the not so nice parts of my life.  Spring WILL be here early, and if not, I'm going to live like it is because it just means I'm one step closer to summer.  Summer signifies that I have completed all my pre-requisites for both my major and minor, as well as a whole giant new step in my relationship.  I'm closer to graduation, the real world, and a happy (significantly less) stress-free relationship.

I like to think that I'm taking care of things, but I'm not *quite* there yet.  Lots more doctor's stuff has to be appointed (nothing scary or serious, just time for routine check-ups/procedures I've been neglecting mostly since I've had my braces removed/moving up north), much organization/budgeting to be completed, as well as getting all my ducks in a row before I can enjoy play time.  So, onto a boring life (still), and hopes for a much more exciting one later.

Mental Health

After having probably one of the worst weekends yet, I now have 2 doctor's appointments to find out what is going on with my body and state of mind.  Not that I need therapy, but just to make sure my biological makeup as of current is healthy, and to see if I'll actually be put on some normal type of birth control.  Who knows?  I could see this just being a continuation of messed up hormones, or maybe a holy grail of internal mental peace.  We'll see.

I have started to realize that my attitude and outlook on relationships now stems a lot from within myself.  And I realize that I need to be more open to making friends and keeping a tight lid on talking about relationship problems with people.  I've run in with someone who thinks they know what I need, when they barely know me.  And although that's nice they feel compelled to give me advice, it's inappropriate.  If anything I now know that the way I've been dealing with things in my life is unhealthy, and I have to figure out a healthy and different way of going about it.  Instead of just drifting through day after day and never knowing when I'm going to see or talk to anyone ever again and leaving it up to everyone else, I need to be proactive.

I feel like a rolling stone picking up speed

I've finally hit that point in the semester where I no longer have time to laze around, slide by with introductory lectures and waste time sitting on my ass and not caring about class.  Which actually is good.  I'm happy with how this semester is playing out so far, and I'm satisfied knowing the work I'm doing will pay off.

I'm so focused on myself that I'm not depressed, emotionally unstable, or overwhelmed by life.  Today has finally been a step in the right direction.  But I also know that the seduction to make excuses is literally right on my neck, constantly hovering there like a whisper.  My way of dealing with not screwing up is to completely ignore doing anything other than one thing: school and work.  Having fun feels like some not-too-far-off place called summer.  And summer is effing CLOSE in my head.

I see now that spring semester's have always been my strong point because 1) there's spring break 2) my birthday signifies the end and 3) it gets warm and sunny.  I may hate the end of summer with a fire of a thousand suns, but damn I love the promise of it coming, because it creeps ever so sweetly into my life that I'm distracted and happy.  Plus this year in particular gives me exceptional motivation to do well and finish strong.

Aside from that, I keep having dreams about friends I haven't seen nor talked to in years and months.  It makes me want to reconnect with them, but I know at this point, I don't have the time to try and salvage something only I seem to want to try and salvage.  It makes me terribly sad to know that I'm losing so much, but I also know that I'm only 23, which means there are plenty of other people to meet and make friends with.  I still have plenty of time till this girl wants to settle down and be a real-life adult, which means more adventures and friends to make.  And if it's one thing I'm good at, it's being social.