Punk Rock Inspires Me

So after waking up this morning from a whole night of not sleeping and dealing with piss everywhere, I found out I don't go back to work until tomorrow.  So after downing my black liquid cocaine-like addiction, I realized I had energy and not much to do with it.  It was after someone went down for an AWESOME 2 hour nap, that I decided to peruse Netflix while doing laundry and prepping for tomorrow and enjoying what little free time I have left.

Cue documentary.

Because documentaries make me feel objectively smart and create great discourse for myself whenever I do happen to have conversations with other adults outside of my home, I tend to let them play in the background while I pretend to be fully engaged and also clog up my que so whenever I happen to open my Netflix I have a plethora of things I may or may not want to know about.  (Like the time I watched Bronies.  For God's sake I pity the generation after me because of that film).

Please stop.

Today I actually had time to watch about 90% of one about punk rock and the feminist movement in the late 80's/early 90's. 

Disclaimer: I don't consider myself a feminist.  I appreciate it and what it's done for women, but I am not one to take every day and make it about advocating for equal rights or trying to be a voice for women.  I'm not that way.  Maybe it's because of the educational background or even social background I've had, but I see too many differences between the sexes that I just don't see being realistically treated equally.  It's kind of like trying to make affirmative action an equal rights issue.  It's not.  It actually goes the opposite way.

Anyway, I'm not trying to make this about feminism and I'm not trying to have that dialogue in this post.  Please save it for some other time.  I'm running on very limited sleep and my caffeine crash is about an hour away, so I really am not on it in terms of having discourse about feminism and equal rights.  Just know I'm a fan and it's a great thing.

Back to my original point-I was completely inspired.  I was inspired by the fact that there are groups of women who get together and talk about women's issues, and that there's so much intellectual discourse that should continue to be brought up among us today and that with the punk rock movement things like fanzines and music shows and fashion and politics all came together and created so many awesome avenues for art.

I want to do that.  I want to create an avenue of my own.  I don't want to copy what they did though.  I could make my own fanzine no problem.  But there's no depth in that.  I liked that there was this alternative form of media when it came to talking about music and the music scene and politics and social issues that seemed so much more raw and real than some high gloss newspaper or magazine.  I liked that it seemed dirty and scrappy.

Everything today is so neat and aesthetically pretty and "designed" that it takes away the appreciation of the craft in and of itself it took to make something.  I remember looking at weddings on pinterest and thinking, "Jesus, it's like looking at the same wedding but with different people."  Or then there's themes and they're all cliched and overdone.  Alice in Wonderland, circus, medieval, hippie, zombies, country (or God, the country/barn theme needs to die like yesterday), beach/destination.  I'm so over it all.  It's like once hipster became a thing it killed anything else.  It was like a black hole of pop culture and sucked out anything people wanted to enjoy.  There's no more diversity anymore.

I kind of want to bring back the punk movement.  Not like, omg, why are we reliving the punk movement, that's like trying to make the bad 80's fashion a thing again (which totally happened and I'm so glad I never went there), but the idea and the idea behind the aesthetic.  That you had something inside you that you needed to express and it didn't exist in the commercial sector, so you patched things together and stitched it all up with absolutely no idea what you were doing but that you had to get this thing out into the world so that people could witness it.  Because you needed to make that impact.  I'm over the whole, "let's relive our childhood pop culture" ideology because it's completely unoriginal.  It's been done.  Stop trying to redo it.  It's actually smothering me.

No.  Instead I want to take ideas and push them out into the world and make a splash.  Have people challenged to think about their lives and the decisions they've made in them.  I want to do that in my art-in my medium. 

I think it ties with the #YesAllWomen wave going on.  Instead of victimizing ourselves, let's use this as our women's group.  Let's use this to put that dialogue out there to share the ideas we hold inside ourselves because we don't feel we have a voice, or anyone who will listen and not try to cover us up like we're just acting like first world problem brats.  Instead of spreading doom and gloom about our lives, let's be positive about making a change, making a shift in our society.  Let's educate one another and let's also share how much we care when it comes to people's lives other than our own.  Shed the selfishness and the capitalist greed that's so engrained in our culture and just for once listen to one another.  There really is no harm in that.

Don't Walk in my Shoes. You Might Kill Yourself.

So there is obviously a giant chunk of time in between postings here.  I went off the grid for about a year and it's been slow reconnecting to my online parts since then.  2012 ended up being the worst year of my life.  Actually, ever since turning 25 my life has kind of taken a really horrible rip tide south and I'm in the thick of it trying to climb back on top.  It hasn't been fun, I'm in no good place by all means, but I'm trying my damndest to feel like I'm where I should be in my life.  Christ, I'm 27, I should probably act like it.


After my father-in-law passed away I went to a really ugly place.  I pushed people away, took a really scary dip into depression, considered institutionalizing myself (seriously), and then got slapped in the face that because of my antics I was actually in danger of losing everything.  So I did what any other twenty something does when they are facing a life crisis-they call their parents.  My relationship was put on hold and I went "home" (I use that term loosely) to get better.  I went to the doctor, started seeing a therapist, and basically spent time with my family to try and work shit out.  You would think I would have started going on the up and up after 2 months of that, but instead I took a sharp left and ended up in yet another situation entirely.

Turns out all the abuse I experienced as a teenager came back gradually and suddenly.  I was working things out with my relationship, but my family life was in the toilet and actually starting to scare me.  I would lash out at my mom and my dad in ways I didn't even knew I could and had a horrible falling out with my sister.  I don't know what happened to her, but it's like ever since she left high school she's turned into a disgusting bitch who just sucks joy out of everything.  Maybe it's because she's started dating, maybe it's because of the pressures of living at home and not having me there anymore, but holy shit, that girl is fucking crazy and mean.  I don't understand for the life of me why she has to hate on me as hard as she does, but it hurts.  We used to be partners in crime and now she wants to make sure people NEVER EVER confuse us.  It's now all a competition.  Who's aging better, who's more successful, who has the better boyfriend/living situation/car/lifestyle/friends/clothes/etc.  I didn't know it was like that until she decided she had nothing good to say about my relationship and felt like she could have a loose mouth about it in front of me.  But God forbid I speak my mind about any of her life choices.  What's worse is that whenever I have tried to confide in her and not be judged, she now openly and insultingly judges me.  I don't know why she thinks that's okay, but she's done it so often that I've just given up even trying to talk to her about anything.

My boyfriend, after having a solid and promising job after my leave of absence, took a few days off in order to come and rescue me from my family.  Literally.  And also mediated some kind of makeup so that I didn't burn any bridges.  He put a lot at risk just to do that, but once I returned, things were in an astoundingly MUCH better place.  I was still getting therapy and sorting out the home life.  Things were actually great.

Until it all fell apart.

And that's when I went off the grid.  And legal components happened.  I won't post the details on here since it's an open case still, but it involved my boyfriend and it was scary and I lost EVERYTHING.  I lost my home, my possessions, my car, everything.  The guy rooming with us stole everything of value, and also some weird things (like my lingerie-seriously?).  I took whatever I was able to salvage to my parents, but that's when things hit a tipping point and I walked out of their house and left literally all that was left but the clothes on my back and my dog in December.

For a month I slept on the floor of a dirty bar/club with my dog.  Then a week at some random drug dealer's basement on a leaky air mattress.  Then I thought I had reached salvation when one of my best friends invited me to her home in Myrtle Beach.

I also was given an annuity pay out from my late grandfather. It all seemed like God was telling me this was my ticket to start over, explore my options and settle in to something.  Boy, did I fuck that up.  I was stupid and thought I should really help out my friend since she opened her home to me.  She and her husband have three kids, so I fed them.  And groceries down south are NOT cheap.  My lord, her grocery bill was like $600 for maybe 3 weeks.  But I also took the time to buy a bed, little furniture pieces, and home items for when I was on my own.

But the biggest part was paying out the ass to get her and her family a house to rent and fronting the down payment on that.  Which was almost 4 grand.  I was still seeing my therapist doing phone appointments, but when the money started to run out, I stopped seeing her.  She wasn't helping at that point and the legal situation with my boyfriend always following me, so I just let things die.  That was a bad idea.  Since I lost the car I needed a ride to work which was about a 20 minute commute.  My friend was no longer my friend and nickel and diming me for absolutely everything she and her husband could think of.  Need a ride to work?  $20.  Every time. It wasn't until after the disaster of my birthday party that I finally left, but not with being ripped off about $500.

I ended up in a crack home bungalow neighborhood for about 3 weeks following that.  The only thing I had going for me was my job and living a block from the ocean.  It was around that time I became pregnant.  Yes, I realize in the middle of my living circumstances you are screaming, what the fuck were you thinking?!  But it was planned.  My boyfriend was in the middle off all this doing what he could to make everything right.  And I don't regret it.  I regret a bunch of other things, but they can't be changed.  I ended up getting evicted by the piece of shit running the crack hole and he stole everything I owned.  Almost lost my dog in all that too.

The night of all that business (which was also scary and the police department completely fucked me in that situation) one of the girls living there decided to leave and invited me to come and stay with her in Charlotte because she had a house there.  We get there and the house is INFESTED with fleas.  My poor dog had them.  I got them.  I ended up meeting one decent person there who took in my dog and said he was safe there until I got my shit together.  Sadly he has been with her for almost a year.  I want him back more than anything, but I still have no where I can put him.  I was in North Caroline for about a month until legal situation with my boyfriend came to a head and he was arrested.  I was terrified and quickly realized I was completely alone, with no money and nowhere to go.

I called one of my cousins in the Chicago area and explained the whole situation.  She promptly bought me a bus ticket for the next greyhound to her and I was spending my last night saying goodbye to my dog and crying my soul out.  All my belongings fit into a medium sized box.  I stayed with my cousin and her family for about a month.  During that time her husband got me a job serving at a country club.  The club was decent and even offered housing for employees.  I took it since I wore out my welcome at my cousin's and didn't have my own transportation.  And I lived in a teeny tiny room with cable and shit wi-fi until I was 8 1/12 months pregnant.  My boyfriend was in prison waiting on more legal stuff during all this.

Once I was told I would need to get a place once I had my baby I was scrambling to try and find an apartment I could afford.  Sadly, I can't afford the suburbs of north Chicagoland on a server's wage.  As a last resort I ended up in a maternity home about 20 minutes away from my job.  It was nice to have a place where I was cared for and safe.  But I wasn't bettering myself.  I was basically playing the dependent again.  I don't regret for one second staying there though.  I met some really wonderful and truly blessed women who I will know for the rest of my life.  They are all so special and dear to me.  I miss them all so much.

I went into labor the morning I was scheduled to be induced.  I was 2 weeks over due.  There was a blizzard.  I didn't go to the hospital until my induction appointment anyway since nothing seemed to be progressing.  I hardly got any sleep.  I tried to keep energy by eating fruits and carbs and sat in the tub to try and speed up my labor.  I watched a lot of Dexter.  It wasn't until I got to the hospital that I couldn't focus on watching t.v.  I tried walking the halls and doing all the techniques they teach you to try and open things up, but it wasn't really changing.  I was told to sleep around midnight to let them monitor my contractions.  I woke up around 3 a.m. and was told I would need a small dose of pitocin since nothing was progressing and I had been in this situation for about 24 hours.  So at 4 a.m. that was given to me and I walked the halls again.  It was magic.  Suddenly things were moving along.  It wasn't getting more painful, just closer together.  I labored in the shower after that but the water wouldn't stay one temperature.  So I was burning and freezing my back while trying to breathe through contractions for an hour before I asked to labor in the tub.  Well that took another hour to prepare.  Once I got into the tub I felt much better, but I was getting tired.  I hadn't peed in hours and they wanted me to try and pee.  At that point I was so tired I was passing out after each contraction.  I didn't have enough energy to get out of the tub to pee.  So I peed in the tub.  And then my water broke.  Things kicked into high gear after that.  I stood up and lots of stuff started coming out of me.  I couldn't see because they dimmed the lights in the room.  Time escaped me.  I had to push like you wouldn't believe.  I thought I was going to shit on the floor the urge to push was so intense.  I got out of the tub and laid on the bed trying not to go crazy during each contraction since I was basically trying to hold it in.  Which didn't happen.  I was fighting so hard not to lose my mind, so I focused on breathing techniques that helped me not want to freak the fuck out.  I was then encouraged to push and suddenly I was told that pushing was happening really really fast and to try and push during every other contraction.  I was so exhausted at that point I just kept my eyes closed during contractions and only opened them in between.  Pushing felt like what I would assume constipation is.  The strangest feeling was feeling the limbs slip out of me.  It all happened so fast once the head was out.  I had a son at 2:22 p.m.  He was perfect.  He came out screaming.  He was healthy. He is my only reason to live.

I didn't go back to work at the country club after giving birth.  I wasn't getting the hours I was promised and I didn't want to be stuck in a job I didn't see myself doing long term.  At this point the woman looking after my dog was trying to get me to move back down there and stay with her because she had a management job at her company for me.  That fell through.  Not the job.  Everything else.  I got in touch with an old friend one weekend and after catching up she opened her home to me and my son until my boyfriend's situation was settled and I was able to get on my feet standing firm.  I moved in with her in April.  And I've been with her ever since.

As much as I've written, there's a million and one details I've left out.  Mostly because I can't legally post it, but also because I can't even remember the time line for everything.  Motherhood has redirected my whole life.  It is literally all about my son.  What can I do in order to provide for him how I see fit?  What can I do in order to maximize our relationship?  Because I love him so much, and he is changing every single day and I don't want to miss out on any of it.  I miss him if he's napped longer than an hour. I'm still broke as shit because I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to repair my credit.  I should have bought a car months ago, but instead I've had to pay off so many debts and also provide for my family since I'm still at the bottom with nothing. 

So I may not have a job, a place of my own, reliable transportation, or even my own furnishings, hell, even my dog, but my son has clothes on his back, a bed to sleep in (crib, really), and a full belly.  Much of the legal situation has my long term goals in limbo since I've learned that legal situations can literally upend everything you've worked so damn hard for in seconds.  I'm a lot more timid about going out and getting mine.  I don't open up to people about my life since it's become so hard to even look back on in the past couple of years.  Some of it was my doing, some of it wasn't.  The parts that weren't my doing make me so angry and hurt that I can't think about it without getting upset.  The parts that were make me feel so guilty and ashamed that I convince myself I do deserve to be living like this.  But I don't.  No one does.  Either way, making friends is weird and difficult because I've also lost so many.  One of my best friends told me how disappointed he was when I announced I was pregnant.  Like I was a teen mom or something.  He actually thought I threw my life away.  It's messed up that someone you've known since you were 12 finds it disgusting and sad that you decided to become a mother at the age of 26.  Granted, my life was in shambles at the time, but with everything that happened after I quit my job at the boutique in the beginning of 2012, I wanted to be a mom more than anything at that point in my life.

I can't expect anyone to understand why I chose to stand by my boyfriend in all the messed up legal shit he's gotten himself into.  Everyone is different, every relationship is different.  Despite all the mistakes he's made (and they've been big), he admits them, but also supports me when no one else does.  He gets why I feel the way I do about trying to fix my life.  He's also there to try and give me the emotional backing I need to even get through the day.  We are a team, and he does what he can to help me solve the problems.  It kills him he only has met his son in photographs and heard him squealing or crying in the background since putting him on speakerphone puts the calls at risk of getting disconnected.  He is always wanting to know everything that goes on in our lives.  He is cooperating with helping me out financially and is very concerned about my lack of independence.  It doesn't help that my parents are not in my life or my son's.  The former is their decision, the latter mine.  I recently got back in touch with them to try and work things out, to try and form a new dialogue that wasn't abusive and spiteful, but instead they only want to say mean and untrue things about my boyfriend.  Frankly it's insulting because his whole legal situation is being taken care of and he never did anything to them personally to fuck them over in any way.  I'm sure they don't see it that way, but their views on reality are pretty messed up.  I would know, my therapist met them and told me firsthand how fucked up they were.  It's also unnerving that they are more concerned about bashing him than actually repairing a relationship with me.  Like I'm not an individual to them anymore.

I'm back trying to find a therapist who's not in it for my money or just wanting to pity me and my sad stories about my life.  I no longer have the rage I once did, but now this new thing called anxiety is ruining my life.  I'm still trying to find a job that will pay me a decent enough wage so I can continue to fix my credit and buy a car that won't fall apart in a year.  I am waiting to hear what the actual release date for my boyfriend will be.  It's getting wrapped up soon, but court dates are constantly being changed.  I haven't seen him since his arrest.  It's strange to think we've been together for nearly 4 1/2 years.  Our relationship is not perfect by any means.  There are boatloads of issues he will be required to work through with me in counseling once he's released, as well as a lot of financial things to repair as a couple.

What gets me the most looking back at all this is that I still have no clue what the hell I want to do with my life.  I know I want to have more children in the future.  I love being a mom.  I love that I can make people who look annoying adorable and enjoy all the parts no one else really knows about until they become a parent too.  But as far as careers go...I have no idea how to get to where I want to be.  I've always loved making clothes and part of me still wants to do that.  But I also love creating art.  I mean, I went to school for it, I should put that experience to work for me too.  I also write a shit ton too, but I hardly think anyone enjoys reading it.  I used to write terrible fan fiction when I was younger and now I just go on here to put my thoughts into words.  I still find myself wanting to be a part of the fashion industry, whether it be working in the design department or the art department or the marketing/advertising department.  I have so many ideas for things that are so out there but they just sit and rot on a shelf in my head.  I haven't found the opportunity to put myself out there and make it work for me.

At least I'm back on this.  And writing out my heart and soul so that everyone can binge on the mess that is my life and think, thank God I'm not her.  Fuck that bitch's life!!  Because honestly, I'd rather have the truth on here so people can openly hate on it instead of behind my back.  I'm much better at dealing with bullshit when I know where I stand in it all than having to constantly guess what the hell everyone is really thinking.  I've burned a lot of bridges trying to sort out myself, but the few I've built have been so much stronger that I can't even be mad at how many people I've burned.  Life happens.  It changes people.  But I don't hold it against others.  I'm just here admitting my life isn't awesome and instagram perfect but insane and one for the history books.  It's real and I'm living it.

Onto the Next One

So just after I made a really good update on things, I was delivered some very tragic news.  My boyfriend's father passed away about 2 weeks ago from cancer.  He had been diagnosed last October with lymphosarcoma.  My boyfriend and I had been trying to get time off to fly out and see his dad before he passed and with jobs and costs and not really having anywhere to stay it just never worked out in our favor.  But I know that things happen for a reason and even though he never got to reconnect with his dad, he still had a great relationship and good memories with him.

I'm not really sure what else to say about that, mostly because I don't feel like plastering all this crap about someone else's family and life on the internet.  But we did make it out to New York for the funeral and I got to meet everyone on that side of the family.  And that was really special.  I've never been so warmly welcomed and accepted into a family of someone I've been dating and I'm glad to know I've created some really special relationships there.

On the way back we stopped at my parents' for an extra day to visit with my family and my sister had just gotten back from being abroad in Ghana.  We shared a lot of stories about things and updated each other on our lives.  Also now I want an ipad so I can waste infinite hours playing Monopoly Hotels.

I'm back home now after nearly two weeks being gone and I feel completely lost.  Everything's changed and I'm not sure what direction to go in at this point.  There's been talk of moving again, talk of starting a family, talk of moving in an entirely different direction as far as careers go.  It's scary, but also exciting because I feel like just when I was convinced I needed time to sort things out about me, I've been given a very big shove to move forward.  So once I finish getting things unpacked and some phone calls made, I'll be having a long grown up conversation with the boyfriend about the future.  Nothing scary at this point, but just a way of drawing out a plan of action instead of telling each other "some day".  Time to grow up and get on it!

Back in the saddle

After nearly a 5 month hiatus I have finally returned to the blogging world.  There were a lot of reasons as to why I stopped but after this past month I've realized that those reasons just didn't hold up anymore.  I realize that I made this blog public because I figured that it would give people an insight most bloggers don't have nor share.  (e.g. not mommy blogs, food blogs, beauty blogs, craft blogs, nor comedy, etc.)  What I naively overlooked was the amount of people who would use this blog as a means of spying on me and what's going on in my life, ergo drawing their own conclusions about my personal life (which is not something I want plastered on the internet so I've gone about ways to make sure I don't post anything too personal on here).  I found out about the spying and negative words being passed around and complete lies being told about me, and at first I didn't mind because that's in human nature to gossip, but then it started affecting my family (most importantly my mom) and I didn't want to hurt her because of something I was doing.  That didn't seem fair to me because no one wants phone calls from people saying things that are entirely unfounded or untrue or even blown out of proportion.  Also, my parents live 3 states away from me, so any kind of correspondence we have is usually delayed by a day or two, so no I can't instantly inform them about everything going on in my life, much less things I don't think are significant to their lives in the first place.  I have the type of relationship with my parents that if it's important, you'll tell me.  If it impacts my life, you'll come forth and let me know first.  I realize that might be hard for some people to grasp based on their relationships with their parents, but for me the last thing I want to do is hurt their feelings.  They know I'm an adult and the things I do are my choices and I pay the consequences for my actions.  I can handle my life.  What no one needs is someone looking at a public blog and drawing their own conclusions based on those entries alone about a person and assuming they know what's up and then taking it upon themselves to inform my family about things that ultimately are untrue or skewed.  I don't appreciate having my family calling me at some random ass hour of the night asking me weird questions about what I did last weekend or if I'm dying or if I was in the hospital or something completely unfounded.  It's a waste of time, frankly, and doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, if you followed my blog on Facebook (which if that's the only way you read this blog you probably aren't even reading this), I deleted my Facebook account.  Mostly I just don't like people taking the liberty to spy on me and I also was tired of randoms friending me and then posting crap no one really cares about.  There's a lot of drawbacks at first, but I moved over to Google+ and I like it because it's more private and I only share things with people I trust to share information with.  For everything else there's Twitter, which I'm slowly getting the hang of.  Still kind of annoying though.

Anyway, I stopped avoiding the blogging world because I don't like feeling like I need to hide because of the negativity.  I don't write for that, I write for me and I've been wanting to post a blog since my last post. So I'm not afraid of what people say because if you can't say anything nice to me or about me or anyone, you probably shouldn't be talking in the first place.  I'm back now and hopefully I'll have more stuff to write about other than this.

So an update on what I've been doing aside from avoiding the internet is that I officially threw out the idea that I need a college degree and I need to graduate by x year or semester.  Also I ran out of financial aid (and to be honest you can't not work and be a full time student anymore-it's totally unrealistic).  Since I've stopped being a student I've been a lot happier not having that stress and worry in my life.  It's made me really look into what I want to do as far as a job goes.  I took this entire summer off from work and school as a way of me going back and sharpening my skill set entirely on my own.  By September I plan on applying for big people jobs and networking towards the industry I really want to get into.  This summer has been a kind of soul searching season and really opening myself up to the kinds of things I wish I could put on my resume or experience and I just never did because I had to work or I was in school.  Fortunately I'm with someone who can provide for the both of us and allow me to figure out what I'm really trying to do with my life right now.

Leading up to this point though, I've been through a lot.  And it hasn't been fun.  There's been a lot of strain on certain family members' deteriorating health, a couple scares and some sad realizations that they're not just adults anymore, they're getting old.  I won't go into detail because I know some of them want that to remain private and I respect their wishes.  But it's been hard and I've been trying to keep strong for others.  For me personally, I've had a lot of flack about not being in school, not finishing, but that has all been coming from people who don't want to let me be heard, who don't want to listen to what's really going on with me.  I find it very selfish and unfair as well as rude.  So I just don't listen to it.

One of the biggest things that's happened is I moved out of the city.  I don't entirely hate it because pretty much all of my friends moved away this spring (like out of state) and I wasn't in school anymore so it didn't make sense to be around a bunch of college hipsters.  I actually kind of felt like I was getting stuck in some weird pseudo-high school.  But I do miss uptown.  I miss being around so much activity and the lakes and just having the ability to go anywhere at nearly any time.  Everything shuts down by 9 in the suburbs and I am forever resentful for that.  Mostly because I'm a night owl and usually want to do things by 11 p.m.  But I like where I live and I like knowing this isn't forever.  In fact, with figuring out what exactly I want to do for a job, I'm fully willing to relocate to a bigger city.  I'm young, I don't have any liabilities keeping me from moving around or traveling, so I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of starting some place fresh.

I still can't believe how much has changed within 5 months, but I know that deep down this was meant to happen.  I've faced a lot of let down and disappointment, a lot of that just with myself and I've been spending the last 2 weeks just really trying to figure out what it is I need to be doing differently.  Life has shown me that there is no real happy ending because life is constantly changing and evolving.  I am constantly changing and evolving and adapting to change.  Because of that you can't just be happy with one way of living.  You gotta be able to live many different lifestyles suitable to the situations you find yourself in.  And those happen nearly every day for me.

Life is like a Game of Dodgeball

And you have none of the balls.  Also you have glasses.

Ah, but I digress.  This past month seems to have hit me upside down with new things, twists, and changes.  But they all seem to be for the better.  Still doing the school thing and still chuggin along with that.  Pretty soon summer will be here, but school has no rest.  Just gonna keep truckin till this year is over and I have that degree in my hands.

It's a good thing I'm enjoying all this, at least bits and pieces.  The transition of school full time and the boy working full time has been nothing short of chaotic, but we're learning.  I've become much more of a homebody with school and going out feels like a long distant memory.  However, with these changes has come many shortcomings financially.  And it seems to me that everyone is suffering.  But I know that this too shall pass because of the choices I've made and the choices the boy has made with me.  It's just going to be a really rough and grueling 3 weeks until things are in the clear.

Things are clearing up.  The weather here has been unbelievable.  I feel like I live in California or something.  There has been warmth and April/May type weather for the past 2 weeks now.  I'm waiting for it to go back to being cold though.

This new weather also has me doing some major spring cleaning, as well as planning for some well deserved upgrades.  Hopefully once the year is out I'll be on track with where I want to be financially and with my living situation, as well as my path in life.  I'm still young, but I'm at a pivotal point to where I won't be a student, I'll be a real world adult with nothing holding me back.  Maybe I'll even have a job lined up.  But I doubt that.

I still feel like this year has just started for me, and it's true to some extent since we're barely on our 4th month into the year.  Spring is making me feel like I have time to really reprioritize, reorganize, and really start fresh with things.  I like that feeling.  It's empowering, which I've needed for quite some time.  Having support and security really does make a difference when you're going through so much.

One Step Closer

Having graduation in the back of my mind has been a wonderful source of inspiration and determination to finish out 2012 with a bang.  It also has me really thinking about life after college.  And that's pretty soon.  I'm about 10 1/2 months away from holding a degree and billions of dollars of debt (not literally, but I'm sure it'll feel that way soon enough!).

It makes me wonder what I'm going to do with myself (non-careerwise) when I no longer have  to sign up for classes or have anything to do with school.  Am I gonna be living here still?  I hope not, but I also hope so.  I have no idea where I'll be ending up, but I know that I'll want to be around my friends, possibly family, but around people who really care about me and vice versa.  I definitely would like to get out of the college scene since most of my friends are graduated/graduating as well and have started their own lives and families.  I always thought that lifestyle was for older people in their 30s, but it can start whenever you want it to.  It feels like once I've settled into one way of doing things, I want to switch it up again.  And I guess that's just part of growing up.

I've been looking at a lot of lifestyle choices when it comes to costs, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to have a wedding.  Honestly, in this economy, I don't have 20 grand to throw up for some big show for 200+ people.  Yes, I believe that marriage is a celebration, but I'm not going to kill myself trying to make it happen.  I'm better off getting an elopement.  $50 to get married?  Yes please.

On top of all that, I've been reflecting a lot on myself and just where I am versus where I want to be.  There's quite a lot I'd like to do, however, there is a time and place for everything.  I need to start doing some spring cleaning with my life and lifestyle choices in order to be in the mental and spiritual place I want to be.  I've done it before when I was alone, but the real challenge is doing it with someone else in tow.  I honestly think I can do it, but it's going to take hard work and dedication, and the optimism for when I make mistakes or fall through.  I'm happy with my life, but I'm always happy for change as well.

After a GIANT Break from Nothing....

So much is going on in my life right now.  I don't even know where to begin.  One of my friends got married, and it was an absolute blast to see that happen and celebrate.  After the holiday ended, I was pushed to the brink with work, and with the events that unfolded in the past two weeks, I've come to a decision with that.  The boyfriend was offered 2 jobs during that, and today he started with one of them.  With hearing the good news about his offers, I scheduled an appointment at school to sort out my actual graduation date, and what would happen if I was full time till the end.

I am a full time student again.  I graduate in December 2012.  Holy buckets, I'm going to be an adult with a degree.

As I came to that realization, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I walked away from working.  I put my trust and finances in the hands of someone else willingly.  Let's see if this bites me in the ass in the next couple of months....

But seriously, with the way things have been at my job, I cut that tie cleanly and am not looking back.  After the amounts of verbal abuse, neglect, and lack of respect from the owner, I did what any normal human being would do, and that would be "F***k it all."  Maybe if whipping boy was listed under the responsibilities of this job and it came with twice the salary and full benefits, I'd stick it out; but as Gwen Stefani put it: "this sh*t is bananas."  Sometimes you gotta let it all go and walk away, no matter how much you fear being fucked over by doing that.

I think everyone can relate to that situation, and it's hard.  Especially now since jobs are scarce and job security is basically nonexistent.  But I always have said "If there's a will, there's a way" and there has always been a way.  If you want it, you gotta work for it, and that's what I'm doing now.  I want to graduate, and I'm doing the only thing I can to make that happen-go to school.

I can't let outside opinions and events affect me like they have before.  Reality is always going to be gloomy and pessimistic, but it's working through it and achieving what you want despite the odds against you that really define success.  Anyway, I'm back to being full time and it feels good to be back in the classroom and not feeling like a zombie because I have a job to go to immediately afterward.

I Couldn't Make this Up if I Tried

Greetings and Happy New Year everyone.  Unless you celebrate the Chinese New Year, of which I say, "Well aren't we pretentious?" (Kidding)

I had all intentions on going out and ringing in the new year at the bar behind my house and getting all fancy-but when I got home it was pitch black, wet and cold and I just couldn't get into the going out mood.  Besides, when I got home the boyfriend and I decided to swing by Target to look at TVs.  And guess what?  We got a new one for super cheap.  And then mounted that bitch on our wall.  Shitting of the pants ensued.

I don't even know where that picture is from, but it's both ridiculous and funny, so it works for me.

Even after setting up our new monstrosity, I just decided to be a pants-less fat ass and said "fuck yo couch!" for the remainder of 2011.  I enjoyed this, because I broke open my expensive wine and ate Wendy's.  Things were looking up.

And now that 2012 has finally entered my life, I figured this is a year to actually have resolutions.  They are as follows (in no particular order because I'm too lazy for that):

1. Put my health first
2. Actually care about my state of being
3. React less (violently)
4. Gain 10 pounds (and not 10lbs of pure whatever that I can burn off)
5. Walk the dog more
6. Walk the lakes as much as physically possible considering the weather.
7. Excel in school (either grade wise, getting closer to graduation, or having a greater sense of self accomplishment)

I gave up after 7.  I figured a top 10 would be nice, but I've got enough down already.  Plus gaining 10 lbs is going to be really freakin difficult since my body slips into a food coma if I consume more than 2000 calories a day.

Weak sauce.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to doing real work instead of being all retarded on the internets.  I'll post more later.

Lost in a Whirlwind of choices

Caffeine does horrible things to me.  Like making me feel like I should do every job in the world plus invent new ones.  Things I've legit considered as possible careers simultaneously:

1. Create courier service for fast food places (i.e. chipotle, wendy's, taco bell, etc.) AND liquor stores
2. Create a local fashion/music magazine for the Minneapolis area (somewhat similar to Nylon if anyone knows of that one)
3. Clothing designer
4. Boutique owner selling above creations
5. Personal stylist
6. Installation artist for retail storefronts
7. School counselor

Something is wrong.  Why do I want to do ALL these things?!  Do I not have enough fulfillment in my life?  I once considered doing stand up comedy, but I don't think I'm that funny.  I can't be "on" for more than a split second anyway.  I feel like I don't apply myself to seriously finish anything I start when it comes to a career.  Even my major is making me feel boxed in, and it's for freaking ART.  I think I'm terrified of getting stuck so I keep eluding myself from actually getting branded with something.  I don't really understand why that is, or where this comes from.

I have a strong thirst for knowledge, so I think the whole "graduating" has me thinking I stop receiving education when I'm not in school.  But that's not entirely true.  I'm just scared of losing touch with progressing my education.

I think I'm just terrified of getting stuck career-wise regardless.  Many of the artists I admire never stuck to one type of art.  They continually evolved and did other things.  It's almost like exploring an area and once you know it like the back of your hand it gets boring, so you stretch into the unknown and conquer it all.  That's how I feel about most areas of my life.  Did this, check that, been there, experienced this, etc.  I think that's why I get bored with things so easily.  Once I figure it out or experience it enough, I'm bored or disgusted.  Then I move onto the next thing.

I wonder if most people are this way.  Or maybe I'm just a freak of nature.  Or maybe I'm terrified of applying myself.  Or a combination of all three.  I just get so ambitious that I don't know how to go about finishing something because my mind is then bombarded with other things that pop up.  I'm too scatterbrained.

Ants in my Pants

In preparation for my Christmas time break from school, I've been looking forward to wrapping up the last of my gifts, packing them up along with the rest of my stuff for my 3 day excursion to my parents', and shopping for a dress for a friend's wedding.  And I've also discovered my new obsession: polyvore.com.  In case you haven't checked out my personal little bit on that site, it's basically paper dolls and barbie dress up for the internet.  Minus people.  This has given me a chance to express my personal style without so much as spending a penny.  And getting ideas on what to outfit the boyfriend in.  Turns out I've got amazingly great taste in men's fashion.  So does he, but he's kind of clueless about putting it together.

I feel good about myself because I know I'm doing the right thing in my life and continuing to go down the path before me.  I just wish I had a job that paid me for my worth that isn't in danger of becoming obliterated because of the economy.  I'm starting to understand that I have a lot of talents and that they are worth getting paid to use them.  This is frustrating and I'm sure at some point I'm going to breakdown if I don't find something better.

I'm seriously having dreams about having a different career or being paid $5/hr because my boss can't afford to pay my salary.  Something tells me that's not right.

Any who, I'm pretty excited to be done with my semester.  I get to see lots of my favorite people despite a few I'd rather just wipe out, dress up and do couple things for once, and focus on being happy with what I've got.  Plus I got people some pretty sweet gifts this year, and I don't see crying like this:

I will get even.  I want tears like they just received a swift kick to the nuts on repeat.  You will receive your gift, and you will freaking LOVE ME.

Aside from my psychopathic tendencies with generosity, I'm just happy to return to some kind of normalcy with my daily routine, which includes actually being at home for part of the day and having a day of the weekend off sometimes.  Who would've thunk???

Getting into the Spirit

I saw this house last night on my way to Target.  It reminded me of National Lampoon's Christmas.  I wish I had this kind of dedication for the holidays, but that probably won't happen till I'm retired.  Oh well :)

Some things I'm looking forward to in the next three weeks:

• Christmas vacation (all of 3 days...whoopee!!!)

• My friend's wedding

• New Year's Eve with no limitations like last year

• Going back to 40+ hour work weeks

• Getting more settled into my home (i.e. new bed, new kitchen table, bigger tv, selling my futon, having decorations and things finally all set up)

• Paying off all my bills!!!

• Resolutions

Kind of long, but oh so exciting in a way.  As far as resolutions go though, I'm not waiting till the clock strikes to implement them into my life, I'm doing it now and making sure once the clock strikes that I have a strong determination to keep going strong.  There's still so much I want out of this life and it's tiring to really think about each and every bit of it.  But I'm hanging in there and not letting things get me down.

I don't have new stylish clothes, I don't have a recent or stylish haircut, I don't have a complete home just yet, and I have more needs than wants when it comes to material things, but all that really just speaks opportunity and potential to me, so I think that's all fair.  I'm not in a race to live my life.

I am pretty excited about being on task with things right now though.  All my Christmas shopping is done, and I finally got to use a groupon for something really fun!  I feel like I've been let out of a cage for an hour of free time whenever I actually do go shopping.  It's kind of sad, but it keeps me from going under with my funds.  I wish I could have fun more often, but living within my means signifies limiting my fun to when I can fully afford it and my bills have been paid for the month.  Ugh.  Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Christmas has lit a fire under my butt

Having 95% of all my gifts for people has really let me deal with a lot less stress in my daily life.  I'm actually kind of amazed at how fast I got all my gifts figured out.  And it didn't break my bank either :)

But Christmas signifies a coming to a close on the year, and the new year reminds me that there is time for a renewal.  I feel as though the changes I've noted in my own life will be put into full use come the new year, and so far it seems to bring me nothing but good things.  It's actually kind of cool.  I don't feel as much stress or anger with problems, mostly because I just throw them all away.  I don't feel the need to get up in someone's face with something so trivial.  Ok, so the bank doesn't know how to do it's job.  From now on I make sure what I need to do is prompt (even early) and void of potential errors.

I've always learned the hard way that you cannot blame others for things being late or wrong when you are a part of the problem.  I do literally whatever it takes to make sure that no one can find blame in me for the things I do.  Granted, this is a lot of pressure, but I don't look at it that way.  I'm just living my life and doing my thing.  I don't put that pressure on others because they are not me.  Ultimately if it doesn't work out for them, I'm not to blame.  I hold myself up to high standards and I can't do that to those around me.  It's unfair and it only leads to disappointment.

Ironically that kind of epiphany has made me content with my state and with my relationships, even if bridges have been burned.  I don't get upset about who doesn't talk to me anymore, who's written me off, or anything like that.  And it's mostly because I'm happy doing my thing.  If they aren't a part of it, then oh well, but I'm happy and that's what matters.

It's amazing what things you can enjoy in life.  I had more fun last night just trying dried fruits and nuts at the grocery store with the boyfriend than I would have had I gone out to the bars instead.  I have no idea why, but sometimes goofing off with people you love is just enjoyable.  Also when I got home I got to play with the puppy in the snow and now I wish I could do that every day.

I think some time this week I'm going to drive around and look at the Christmas lights like when I was a kid. Nothing wrong with free entertainment.  And speaking of entertainment, here's a little diddy I made for everyone:

Resolutions

As part of my never-ending growing up, I've reached a new breakthrough in life that most 16-20 year olds will find lame.  But alas, it has happened.  I'm really over the cussing like a sailor and being mean.  I realize I spend too much energy trying to break someone down than just focus on my life and how to make me happy.  I'm trying to avoid negativity in all aspects, and when people get in my face, I just say it like it is.  I have really ceased to care about a lot of insignificant crap and I feel happier with a lot of things in my life.

I've come to learn that the only way to achieve world peace is for each individual to find true happiness within themselves before helping those in need to achieve sustainability in their own lives.  This seems impossible with the greed and selfishness people seem to be plagued with, but I really think that at some point we all experience happiness and we all strive for that level of consciousness.  As long as everyone has a job that makes them feel that they are contributing to the whole in a positive way, people feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their lives.  It's what keeps us going as human beings.

It's Pocahontas!!!

I think the hardest thing is to remain positive when the world is crashing down around you.  People think you're crazy, but in order to continue to go on with your life, you have to look at it that way.  Otherwise nothing will feel rewarding and success will never be measured.  In a sense it's insanity, but insanity is really just repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  Remaining positive always gets a different outcome, as well as perseverance.  I'm entirely convinced people are terrified of being positive because it doesn't feel as exciting as being dramatic and negative.  Negativity breeds misery, and misery loves company.  But being positive has a domino effect, but the payoff is selfless and a lot of people are too selfish to accept that mentality.

Either way, I'm making a point to curb my dirty mouth, let good people into my life, and start doing things that are good for me.  No more consumer-driven greed, no more comparative evaluations, and definitely no more laziness.  Hard work always pays off, and that's a fact.

How Does That Work?

I have to admit I love being independent and making my way in the world.  Creating a space just for me in my life gives me empowerment to succeed with whatever comes my way.  And I think I've done a pretty good job of doing that with what I've been given.  I've got a lot going on and I'm constantly trying to keep the ball rolling so that I don't get stuck or fall into a rut financially.  The best part is that I went about it in a very unconventional way and it still worked.  But nothing is perfect and there are always consequences to my actions.

One in particular that seems to follow me no matter what is having a mentally and psychologically abusive father.  You know those saying about ridding yourself of the negativity in your life?  Well I can't figure out how to rid myself of all the negativity when it's infested in my family.  Do I just emancipate myself from them all despite having a couple great relationships?  Or do I keep repeating the same thing year after year and hate them more and more for treating me as such?

I know the reason I left was to get away from my dad.  It wasn't healthy for me to have to continually have someone destroy any glimmer of hope that I was succeeding in what I wanted and going to be a successful young professional.  I feel like I'm the only one who stood up to the abuse and fought it tooth and nail (literally).  But it shouldn't get to that point.  It never should, and I was wrong to push it to that point.  So I did one smart thing and removed myself from the situation and prevented it from getting worse.

Turns out removing myself didn't really do much in making things better for the entire family.  My dad has since turned his focus on shutting me out of the family like I'm some kind of mistake and projected his negativity onto my mother.  I cannot for the life of me understand why these two are still married, but it's awful.  If verbal abuse was taken as seriously as physical abuse, my dad would have been locked up years ago.  But that's not the reality and so I'm forced to hear it whenever I do visit my parents or when I talk to my mother.  Most of these conversations are when she's at work or when she locks herself in the bedroom so he can't hear.  This is one I wish I could help with, but there seems to be no solution.  My mom won't leave and my dad won't stop.  But I'm forced to witness the effects and it makes me sick to my stomach.

What's worse is my siblings think this is normal behavior.  Whenever I speak up about it, I end up getting reprimanded.  It's madness.

I don't understand it.  I also don't understand what I should do in this instance.  I refuse to go home because I'm to the point where my father is nothing but a stranger to me-an evil one at that.  But like stupid sheep, my siblings won't leave him alone.  I want everyone to leave him and for him to finally get what he deserves-to die alone.

What I really want is to focus on me and my life and my relationships with good people.  I have a boyfriend with whom I'm trying to make a working relationship with.  This is exceptionally hard sometimes because of the trauma and abuse we've been subject to in the past.  We have to acknowledge what is healthy behavior and what's not, and even harder: correct it.  But I also have a really wondrous network of friends who live all over the country.  I'm trying to keep ties close with them, but distance is hard.  At the same time, I know that us all living nearby is impossible.  And I'm okay with that as long as I get to see them once in a while.  It happens and things are great.

I realize that the only real reason I want my family to be so accepting and supportive of me is because there is a really real possibility of getting married within a couple of years and I'd like to have a family support there when that happens.  I also will be graduating soon too, and I would think they'd want to support that as well.  But I know better.  So I'm forced to live this life like my family is dead to me unless I want to be subjected to verbal and psychological abuse.

I'm trying to figure it out.  I'm not in a hurry to do that, but the older I get, the more imperative it feels to do something about the wrongs in my life.  Surprisingly they're all within my family.

Gloomy Reality

My life has suddenly become really frustrating.  Mostly things just have come out into view that never really mattered before and now resolutions need to be made.  But it wouldn't be my life if those resolutions required actions from people other than myself.

I've really tried not to make a point of not bitching about my job on here, mostly because no one really wants to hear about it and it doesn't really affect anyone other than me.  But I'm having a really hard time putting in hours upon hours of effort to get it done right and be successful, only to have the reality that I don't get paid time off, sick days, or benefits for what I do.  What's worse is that I feel like I'm in danger of losing my job because the store is in danger of closing down, and as my job entitles, I'm the whipping boy.  Everything gets blamed on me.  That part I understood even when I took on this job, but now it's to the point that I dread coming into work, I dread answering the phone, I dread everything.  I second guess all my business decisions in fear of getting reprimanded or yelled at because it doesn't make my boss happy.  I walk on eggshells and while I do, I watch this place taking a nose dive to bankruptcy.

Aside from my job, I'm broke as shit and am terrified of taking any time off to go and see family and friends. I'm staying home for Thanksgiving because I'm expected to work all of black Friday.  I'm only going to be home for Christmas for 3 days and that even feels like too much to me.  All because I should be working on Christmas Eve, I should be working the day after, but I'm not because I have a family, I have a life.  But having a life means I'm docked pay.  I'd like to look at getting a new job, but every time I look at job listings, it's all part time crap or corporate assistant jobs.  I want more responsibility than that, so I pass on the bullshit.  I'm just stuck in this miserable state where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and still unhappy with where I'm at.  It's a never ending cycle.

I'm ceasing to see the point of existing when all I do is work.  My money goes to expenses.  I don't go out with friends, I don't take vacations, I don't go shopping, I don't drink, I don't do anything except work and do the daily grind.  Putting on tinted moisturizer this morning I asked myself, "Why am I even putting this on?  I'm going to take it off in about 12 hours.  What is the point of any of this?"  I don't feel like I have a purpose in life anymore, I'm just merely existing.  I'm not making a difference, I'm not living my life.  I'm about as important as a dust mite living in carpet.  I just leave a much bigger carbon footprint.

Good God I've become a *Girlie* Girl

Someone needs to arrest me because I'm starting to become a monster.  Not really.  Lately I've been on a binge to completely revamp my beauty regimen and give myself a little more TLC.  I'm pushing myself to my limits and some things are more apparent then others.  This is fun and awful at the same time.  Things I've learned:

1. I hate nail polish on my fingernails.  I think it's ugly.  Unless it's clear. (The above picture will never be my hands)
2. Vitamins do a body good, but never take them without food.  So now that's another item shoved into my purse for later consumption since I don't eat till like 2 p.m. or later anyway.
3. I need to invest in more skirts.  Not dresses.  There is a difference.
4. I need to invest in more recent clothing in general.  I'm a grown up now and should wear whatever the hell I want, but this does not include shit I wore in high school.  Being grown up means incorporating expensive tastes, and (since this is what *I* do apparently) make my own awesome shit because no one with my salary can afford Betsey Johnson.
5. Washing your face day and night is AWESOME for your skin.  Don't believe me?  Try it for a week and see what happens.
6. Flossing is more important than brushing your teeth.  Do it at least twice a day.  Your gums will always bleed, but not as much as in the beginning, or pre-floss days.
7. Drink water all the time.  Like invest in a water bottle and fill it up 3 times a day.  (I have yet to actually really incorporate this into my day schedule, but it's happening)
8. Makeup isn't necessary, but it makes people more likely to talk to you in public, and gives you some really great new haters! (haters exist everywhere, but ones that hate you for taking care of yourself are a whole new breed)
9. Christmas time I'll be going blonde for the first time in like 8 years.  Who wants to place bets on how that's gonna turn out?  Here's an idea of what shade I'm aiming for: 

I'm still holding onto the fact that I hate pink (only allowed in minuscule amounts) and I'll always try and put a little punk into what I wear.  Plus I really can't be a sheep.  That's too painful for the creative guru in me.  And the only reason I haven't kept up my cute short 'do is because hair cuts are fucking expensive.  I don't have $50 to blow on maintaining an awesomely sassy and sweet pixie cut.  So for now, let the awkward stages begin for growing out my hair!!  (sarcasm)

If anything else, I'm also trying to adapt all my health and beauty products to a more natural and eco-friendly base.  Burt's Bee's has some awesome stuff and I'm trying to figure out what stuff actually is right for my skin since I've never tried anything other than acne medicated junk that never did anything for me except dry the crap out of my skin and make me break out in weird areas.  I am interested in seeing a real dermatologist just to get the 411 on my skin and what's actually going on with me since I'm basically an idiot.  Oh, and speaking of doctor's appointments, I should get to the dentist about getting my wisdom teeth taken out (a girl in my film studies class just had hers out and she claims it's not nearly as bad as everyone claims it to be, plus she was going to class the day after she got them out), and get another physical done.  Yay blood work!  Plus I need to update my doctor on the family history.  Wondrous? I think not really.  I've been meaning to go see an eye doctor too, but I don't want to get glasses yet.  Pretty sure that's gonna have to happen in the next couple of years though...

Budgeting is Hard!

I understand that I'm now in the working world as far as my job is concerned, but I really can't seem to understand how anyone is able to afford their lifestyle anymore.  Especially my generation.  My basic (excluding food and gas) monthly budget expenses are around $1200 a month, which I think is relatively LOW considering I don't go out as much as I used, I hardly travel and I don't have time to go shopping for pretty much anything.  My money towards bills is about 90% of my income.  That being said, I have a good paying job, a solid paying one.  I don't depend on my parents for help, or anyone else.  But how the hell am I supposed to afford living and not just surviving?!


This has puzzled me for the past couple of years, and all I can conclude is that everyone depends on family, credit cards, and loans to help sustain them.  But they are just delaying the inevitable.  No one is ever going to be able to pay off all that debt.  No one.  Their parents can't even foot the bill.  So how do people do it and keep themselves above water?

I'd like to see some solid answers.  Because I can't figure anything legal to keep yourself out of debt.

I find it sad that the number one reason I'm not even getting married is because I can't afford a wedding on my own and neither my parents nor possible in-laws could foot the bill.  Then I hear that people are just waiting until they're older to get hitched, and my thought is "why would you wait to spend the rest of your life with someone when you are pretty much married anyway?"  I know that parents have been horrified knowing their children are moving in with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but what's more horrifying to me is seeing people MOVE BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS.  I understand times are tough, but good LORD that is not okay with me.  I'd rather swallow anti-freeze than do that.

I'm starting to see this reversal in my generation that is showing people unwilling to become financially independent and the parents enabling their children until the cows come home.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think that people feel like their parents owe them in some way.  I wish I was making 3 times the amount I make a week in salary because then I'd send a third of that back home each week.  Why?  Because my parents work too hard and put up with a lot of shit from me over the years.  The least I can do is give them a cushion to alleviate some form of financial stress.  But I don't make that much.  I don't know how long I'll even have this job because of this economy just failing all over itself every day.  The world should just hurry up and end so I can start clean again.  I'm always wanting to do a project and at least that will give me an excuse to say "screw it all" and start fresh.

Goodness Gracious!

I've done it again...I zebra-ed my bathroom!!  The boyfriend and I were running errands last night and in a spontaneous bust of Target fever (that's when you blow lots of money at Target when you get inspired by their CUTE STUFF), decided to put zebra print in the bathroom.  So now I went from chocolate brown adult boring bathroom to "potty party".  It actually brightens up the tiny space a lot, which is good since it makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland when she grows too big for the house every time I'm in there.

And now I've got a mini fire under my butt to finish putting together the rest of my home.  Next is my bedroom. I figure it's time to get things organized and looking cleaned up since I've been living there for nearly 3 months.  Maybe for New Year's I can finally get a housewarming party put together.  Maybe.  Depends if anyone is in town.

Oh and it has finally happened.  I've joined Etsy.com and I do plan on finally making my own shit and putting it out there.  I figure this is a fun trial run to see if people would actually buy my designs and how successful that could be.  If it works out, the I'm on the road to being a billionaire (probably not exactly); if not....well it was a good run and now I'm out of a dream job and onto something a little more realistic, which includes a lot of soul searching.  These alternate jobs may include but aren't limited to:

1. Personal shopper (Sometimes I can't believe this is actually a job.  Seriously?)
2. Magazine entrepreneur (been thinking about this one since I subscribed to Nylon)
3. Corporate busybody (although that would probably only last temporarily)
4. Personal stylist (again, how is this even a job?)
5. And if all else fails, I can always just do daycare for a living.  Or something equally as pathetically easy.  Seriously, certification and nothing else?  Cakewalk.

Deep Thoughts...

I seem to have a problem with confrontation, only in the sense when I have to enlighten someone else to what is going on or what needs to happen.  I'm not terrified of what they'll say or how they'll react, if anything, I'm just anxious to actually be in the situation at all because I get extremely defensive and I don't want to say or do something that will get me in trouble.  So essentially, I'm terrified of getting into trouble.  I've always had ways of getting around it, but every now and then I deal with something unpleasant and I tend to snap or insult someone and burn a bridge or two.  I realize I have a really bad mean streak in me, but I shy away from situations where it can be brought out because I don't know how to control it.  I know that's dangerous, but while I figure out a way to get a hold of myself, I just avoid those situations to begin with.  I don't like picking fights, but I will never back down from one.

That being said, everyone has flaws.  Whether it's anger, emotions, addiction, self image, self confidence, physical, etc. we are all flawed in some way.  It's all a part of who we are, because people aren't perfect, and if they were, love wouldn't exist.  But some things need to be worked out because they may kill us, or prevent us from reaching what we truly desire.  I'll be the first to admit it's tough as shit to work out problems.  It becomes a lifestyle of reminding yourself that "No, I don't need a cupcake with every meal" "No, I don't need a drink" "No, getting high isn't going to make this all better" "Yes, I can do this" "I am beautiful/capable/better than that" and so on.  Having to consciously remind ourselves of who we are is important, because forgetting who you are and where you come from is like humanity's Achilles Heal.

 I like when they say time heals everything, because healing takes time.  It is a process, so the things you do during the time is actually what heals you, not waiting for a magical timer to go off saying "You're cured!".   Actually I think growing up is what helps us get over the fact that someone broke our heart, hurt us, mistakes we made, things we don't like about ourselves, and how to be the best version of our flawed selves.  But no one likes hearing "Grow up!", instead a kind phrase like "time heals everything" makes it sound like we aren't the ones who fucked up, we are just a part of a greater whole, and so we feel safe and secure in our decisions.

My biggest issue at my age is the fact that people are done growing up, now my peers and I are all growing older.  People are starting families, getting married, becoming homeowners, having real jobs, or just being victims of this crap economy and working minimum wage.  This means no more excuses for excessive laziness, lack of responsibility, accountability, etc.  Time to man up and start taking care of yourself like your mom used to.  I am not one to have a routine down for my mornings and evenings, but nothing has been telling me I should start like aging.  I don't mean getting old, because I still think I'm a ways off from that reality, but aging as in like, going a day without washing your face makes your skin dry and icky, or not showering takes a toll on your hair and it doesn't shine like it wants to.  I'm trying to figure out how to get the self discipline to actually take good care of myself daily.  Thinking about the ways has made me come to the conclusion that in order to really even give that much a shit about myself means I must be obsessed with looking good constantly, or that I have to develop some kind of insecurity with not being totally cared for.  Like I should be high maintenance about my health.  But that's so exhausting that I'd rather just skip.  So now I'm trying to figure out a way to prioritize that into my life, along with everything else.  I'm realizing more and more the things we value define who we are as a person.  Things we value now, or decisions we make now, have major effects on our lives in the future.  It's just insane to think of what kind of old(er) person I'm going to be.

A Love Letter To...

My friends!  I will not name names, but I need to get some things off my chest, and it's become way too hard to call each and everyone up and let them know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  I've been having one of those moments where all I want is to be around all my friends at once and just share in good moments together.  Granted, this is not a shout out to all of my friends, but just a couple with whom I can't seem to get a hold of lately.

To my oldest friend ever: I love you.  I love that we are so much alike, but have gone in two totally separate paths in life, each one leading to our own happiness.  Seeing you so happy and fulfilled with a family of your own makes me miss you so much that I wish I could go back in time where I would spend the day at your house playing in your pool, or running around in my back yard playing with My Little Ponies or making little cottages in the woods.  That kind of bonding is something I cherish and will never forget.  But I know we're both adults now and I want more than anything to have grown up memories together of just the two of us kicking back and basking in the happiness we've created for ourselves.  I always consider you to be a sort of step sister and miss having that connection aside from all the responsibilities we've created for ourselves.

To my best friend with whom I basically now share an online relationship with: I love you!  I know we both consider ourselves to be horrible friends by not returning phone calls or texts, but we both understand that our lives are anything but easy and I think that understanding is what makes our friendship so easy.  I wish wish wish you lived closer to me, but I don't really see that being possible since cold weather is not your friend.  But I always enjoy spending time together and having our own humor as to what's going on in the world around us.  You make me proud for all you've gone through, and I wish I could just give you a giant hug whenever I think of you!!

To my bestest best friend: You basically made my month of October by coming up here to spend time with me.  You inspire the boyfriend, you inspire me, and you are nothing short of humble about it.  You need to seriously just move up here and get it over with, because both of our lives will be that much happier.  Really I should just text you right now, but I'm feeling lazy.  When I come home next we will have more adventures together.  Love you.

Till the next time, feel the love people!