How Does That Work?

I have to admit I love being independent and making my way in the world.  Creating a space just for me in my life gives me empowerment to succeed with whatever comes my way.  And I think I've done a pretty good job of doing that with what I've been given.  I've got a lot going on and I'm constantly trying to keep the ball rolling so that I don't get stuck or fall into a rut financially.  The best part is that I went about it in a very unconventional way and it still worked.  But nothing is perfect and there are always consequences to my actions.

One in particular that seems to follow me no matter what is having a mentally and psychologically abusive father.  You know those saying about ridding yourself of the negativity in your life?  Well I can't figure out how to rid myself of all the negativity when it's infested in my family.  Do I just emancipate myself from them all despite having a couple great relationships?  Or do I keep repeating the same thing year after year and hate them more and more for treating me as such?

I know the reason I left was to get away from my dad.  It wasn't healthy for me to have to continually have someone destroy any glimmer of hope that I was succeeding in what I wanted and going to be a successful young professional.  I feel like I'm the only one who stood up to the abuse and fought it tooth and nail (literally).  But it shouldn't get to that point.  It never should, and I was wrong to push it to that point.  So I did one smart thing and removed myself from the situation and prevented it from getting worse.

Turns out removing myself didn't really do much in making things better for the entire family.  My dad has since turned his focus on shutting me out of the family like I'm some kind of mistake and projected his negativity onto my mother.  I cannot for the life of me understand why these two are still married, but it's awful.  If verbal abuse was taken as seriously as physical abuse, my dad would have been locked up years ago.  But that's not the reality and so I'm forced to hear it whenever I do visit my parents or when I talk to my mother.  Most of these conversations are when she's at work or when she locks herself in the bedroom so he can't hear.  This is one I wish I could help with, but there seems to be no solution.  My mom won't leave and my dad won't stop.  But I'm forced to witness the effects and it makes me sick to my stomach.

What's worse is my siblings think this is normal behavior.  Whenever I speak up about it, I end up getting reprimanded.  It's madness.

I don't understand it.  I also don't understand what I should do in this instance.  I refuse to go home because I'm to the point where my father is nothing but a stranger to me-an evil one at that.  But like stupid sheep, my siblings won't leave him alone.  I want everyone to leave him and for him to finally get what he deserves-to die alone.

What I really want is to focus on me and my life and my relationships with good people.  I have a boyfriend with whom I'm trying to make a working relationship with.  This is exceptionally hard sometimes because of the trauma and abuse we've been subject to in the past.  We have to acknowledge what is healthy behavior and what's not, and even harder: correct it.  But I also have a really wondrous network of friends who live all over the country.  I'm trying to keep ties close with them, but distance is hard.  At the same time, I know that us all living nearby is impossible.  And I'm okay with that as long as I get to see them once in a while.  It happens and things are great.

I realize that the only real reason I want my family to be so accepting and supportive of me is because there is a really real possibility of getting married within a couple of years and I'd like to have a family support there when that happens.  I also will be graduating soon too, and I would think they'd want to support that as well.  But I know better.  So I'm forced to live this life like my family is dead to me unless I want to be subjected to verbal and psychological abuse.

I'm trying to figure it out.  I'm not in a hurry to do that, but the older I get, the more imperative it feels to do something about the wrongs in my life.  Surprisingly they're all within my family.

Gloomy Reality

My life has suddenly become really frustrating.  Mostly things just have come out into view that never really mattered before and now resolutions need to be made.  But it wouldn't be my life if those resolutions required actions from people other than myself.

I've really tried not to make a point of not bitching about my job on here, mostly because no one really wants to hear about it and it doesn't really affect anyone other than me.  But I'm having a really hard time putting in hours upon hours of effort to get it done right and be successful, only to have the reality that I don't get paid time off, sick days, or benefits for what I do.  What's worse is that I feel like I'm in danger of losing my job because the store is in danger of closing down, and as my job entitles, I'm the whipping boy.  Everything gets blamed on me.  That part I understood even when I took on this job, but now it's to the point that I dread coming into work, I dread answering the phone, I dread everything.  I second guess all my business decisions in fear of getting reprimanded or yelled at because it doesn't make my boss happy.  I walk on eggshells and while I do, I watch this place taking a nose dive to bankruptcy.

Aside from my job, I'm broke as shit and am terrified of taking any time off to go and see family and friends. I'm staying home for Thanksgiving because I'm expected to work all of black Friday.  I'm only going to be home for Christmas for 3 days and that even feels like too much to me.  All because I should be working on Christmas Eve, I should be working the day after, but I'm not because I have a family, I have a life.  But having a life means I'm docked pay.  I'd like to look at getting a new job, but every time I look at job listings, it's all part time crap or corporate assistant jobs.  I want more responsibility than that, so I pass on the bullshit.  I'm just stuck in this miserable state where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and still unhappy with where I'm at.  It's a never ending cycle.

I'm ceasing to see the point of existing when all I do is work.  My money goes to expenses.  I don't go out with friends, I don't take vacations, I don't go shopping, I don't drink, I don't do anything except work and do the daily grind.  Putting on tinted moisturizer this morning I asked myself, "Why am I even putting this on?  I'm going to take it off in about 12 hours.  What is the point of any of this?"  I don't feel like I have a purpose in life anymore, I'm just merely existing.  I'm not making a difference, I'm not living my life.  I'm about as important as a dust mite living in carpet.  I just leave a much bigger carbon footprint.

Good God I've become a *Girlie* Girl

Someone needs to arrest me because I'm starting to become a monster.  Not really.  Lately I've been on a binge to completely revamp my beauty regimen and give myself a little more TLC.  I'm pushing myself to my limits and some things are more apparent then others.  This is fun and awful at the same time.  Things I've learned:

1. I hate nail polish on my fingernails.  I think it's ugly.  Unless it's clear. (The above picture will never be my hands)
2. Vitamins do a body good, but never take them without food.  So now that's another item shoved into my purse for later consumption since I don't eat till like 2 p.m. or later anyway.
3. I need to invest in more skirts.  Not dresses.  There is a difference.
4. I need to invest in more recent clothing in general.  I'm a grown up now and should wear whatever the hell I want, but this does not include shit I wore in high school.  Being grown up means incorporating expensive tastes, and (since this is what *I* do apparently) make my own awesome shit because no one with my salary can afford Betsey Johnson.
5. Washing your face day and night is AWESOME for your skin.  Don't believe me?  Try it for a week and see what happens.
6. Flossing is more important than brushing your teeth.  Do it at least twice a day.  Your gums will always bleed, but not as much as in the beginning, or pre-floss days.
7. Drink water all the time.  Like invest in a water bottle and fill it up 3 times a day.  (I have yet to actually really incorporate this into my day schedule, but it's happening)
8. Makeup isn't necessary, but it makes people more likely to talk to you in public, and gives you some really great new haters! (haters exist everywhere, but ones that hate you for taking care of yourself are a whole new breed)
9. Christmas time I'll be going blonde for the first time in like 8 years.  Who wants to place bets on how that's gonna turn out?  Here's an idea of what shade I'm aiming for: 

I'm still holding onto the fact that I hate pink (only allowed in minuscule amounts) and I'll always try and put a little punk into what I wear.  Plus I really can't be a sheep.  That's too painful for the creative guru in me.  And the only reason I haven't kept up my cute short 'do is because hair cuts are fucking expensive.  I don't have $50 to blow on maintaining an awesomely sassy and sweet pixie cut.  So for now, let the awkward stages begin for growing out my hair!!  (sarcasm)

If anything else, I'm also trying to adapt all my health and beauty products to a more natural and eco-friendly base.  Burt's Bee's has some awesome stuff and I'm trying to figure out what stuff actually is right for my skin since I've never tried anything other than acne medicated junk that never did anything for me except dry the crap out of my skin and make me break out in weird areas.  I am interested in seeing a real dermatologist just to get the 411 on my skin and what's actually going on with me since I'm basically an idiot.  Oh, and speaking of doctor's appointments, I should get to the dentist about getting my wisdom teeth taken out (a girl in my film studies class just had hers out and she claims it's not nearly as bad as everyone claims it to be, plus she was going to class the day after she got them out), and get another physical done.  Yay blood work!  Plus I need to update my doctor on the family history.  Wondrous? I think not really.  I've been meaning to go see an eye doctor too, but I don't want to get glasses yet.  Pretty sure that's gonna have to happen in the next couple of years though...

Budgeting is Hard!

I understand that I'm now in the working world as far as my job is concerned, but I really can't seem to understand how anyone is able to afford their lifestyle anymore.  Especially my generation.  My basic (excluding food and gas) monthly budget expenses are around $1200 a month, which I think is relatively LOW considering I don't go out as much as I used, I hardly travel and I don't have time to go shopping for pretty much anything.  My money towards bills is about 90% of my income.  That being said, I have a good paying job, a solid paying one.  I don't depend on my parents for help, or anyone else.  But how the hell am I supposed to afford living and not just surviving?!


This has puzzled me for the past couple of years, and all I can conclude is that everyone depends on family, credit cards, and loans to help sustain them.  But they are just delaying the inevitable.  No one is ever going to be able to pay off all that debt.  No one.  Their parents can't even foot the bill.  So how do people do it and keep themselves above water?

I'd like to see some solid answers.  Because I can't figure anything legal to keep yourself out of debt.

I find it sad that the number one reason I'm not even getting married is because I can't afford a wedding on my own and neither my parents nor possible in-laws could foot the bill.  Then I hear that people are just waiting until they're older to get hitched, and my thought is "why would you wait to spend the rest of your life with someone when you are pretty much married anyway?"  I know that parents have been horrified knowing their children are moving in with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but what's more horrifying to me is seeing people MOVE BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS.  I understand times are tough, but good LORD that is not okay with me.  I'd rather swallow anti-freeze than do that.

I'm starting to see this reversal in my generation that is showing people unwilling to become financially independent and the parents enabling their children until the cows come home.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think that people feel like their parents owe them in some way.  I wish I was making 3 times the amount I make a week in salary because then I'd send a third of that back home each week.  Why?  Because my parents work too hard and put up with a lot of shit from me over the years.  The least I can do is give them a cushion to alleviate some form of financial stress.  But I don't make that much.  I don't know how long I'll even have this job because of this economy just failing all over itself every day.  The world should just hurry up and end so I can start clean again.  I'm always wanting to do a project and at least that will give me an excuse to say "screw it all" and start fresh.

Goodness Gracious!

I've done it again...I zebra-ed my bathroom!!  The boyfriend and I were running errands last night and in a spontaneous bust of Target fever (that's when you blow lots of money at Target when you get inspired by their CUTE STUFF), decided to put zebra print in the bathroom.  So now I went from chocolate brown adult boring bathroom to "potty party".  It actually brightens up the tiny space a lot, which is good since it makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland when she grows too big for the house every time I'm in there.

And now I've got a mini fire under my butt to finish putting together the rest of my home.  Next is my bedroom. I figure it's time to get things organized and looking cleaned up since I've been living there for nearly 3 months.  Maybe for New Year's I can finally get a housewarming party put together.  Maybe.  Depends if anyone is in town.

Oh and it has finally happened.  I've joined Etsy.com and I do plan on finally making my own shit and putting it out there.  I figure this is a fun trial run to see if people would actually buy my designs and how successful that could be.  If it works out, the I'm on the road to being a billionaire (probably not exactly); if not....well it was a good run and now I'm out of a dream job and onto something a little more realistic, which includes a lot of soul searching.  These alternate jobs may include but aren't limited to:

1. Personal shopper (Sometimes I can't believe this is actually a job.  Seriously?)
2. Magazine entrepreneur (been thinking about this one since I subscribed to Nylon)
3. Corporate busybody (although that would probably only last temporarily)
4. Personal stylist (again, how is this even a job?)
5. And if all else fails, I can always just do daycare for a living.  Or something equally as pathetically easy.  Seriously, certification and nothing else?  Cakewalk.

Deep Thoughts...

I seem to have a problem with confrontation, only in the sense when I have to enlighten someone else to what is going on or what needs to happen.  I'm not terrified of what they'll say or how they'll react, if anything, I'm just anxious to actually be in the situation at all because I get extremely defensive and I don't want to say or do something that will get me in trouble.  So essentially, I'm terrified of getting into trouble.  I've always had ways of getting around it, but every now and then I deal with something unpleasant and I tend to snap or insult someone and burn a bridge or two.  I realize I have a really bad mean streak in me, but I shy away from situations where it can be brought out because I don't know how to control it.  I know that's dangerous, but while I figure out a way to get a hold of myself, I just avoid those situations to begin with.  I don't like picking fights, but I will never back down from one.

That being said, everyone has flaws.  Whether it's anger, emotions, addiction, self image, self confidence, physical, etc. we are all flawed in some way.  It's all a part of who we are, because people aren't perfect, and if they were, love wouldn't exist.  But some things need to be worked out because they may kill us, or prevent us from reaching what we truly desire.  I'll be the first to admit it's tough as shit to work out problems.  It becomes a lifestyle of reminding yourself that "No, I don't need a cupcake with every meal" "No, I don't need a drink" "No, getting high isn't going to make this all better" "Yes, I can do this" "I am beautiful/capable/better than that" and so on.  Having to consciously remind ourselves of who we are is important, because forgetting who you are and where you come from is like humanity's Achilles Heal.

 I like when they say time heals everything, because healing takes time.  It is a process, so the things you do during the time is actually what heals you, not waiting for a magical timer to go off saying "You're cured!".   Actually I think growing up is what helps us get over the fact that someone broke our heart, hurt us, mistakes we made, things we don't like about ourselves, and how to be the best version of our flawed selves.  But no one likes hearing "Grow up!", instead a kind phrase like "time heals everything" makes it sound like we aren't the ones who fucked up, we are just a part of a greater whole, and so we feel safe and secure in our decisions.

My biggest issue at my age is the fact that people are done growing up, now my peers and I are all growing older.  People are starting families, getting married, becoming homeowners, having real jobs, or just being victims of this crap economy and working minimum wage.  This means no more excuses for excessive laziness, lack of responsibility, accountability, etc.  Time to man up and start taking care of yourself like your mom used to.  I am not one to have a routine down for my mornings and evenings, but nothing has been telling me I should start like aging.  I don't mean getting old, because I still think I'm a ways off from that reality, but aging as in like, going a day without washing your face makes your skin dry and icky, or not showering takes a toll on your hair and it doesn't shine like it wants to.  I'm trying to figure out how to get the self discipline to actually take good care of myself daily.  Thinking about the ways has made me come to the conclusion that in order to really even give that much a shit about myself means I must be obsessed with looking good constantly, or that I have to develop some kind of insecurity with not being totally cared for.  Like I should be high maintenance about my health.  But that's so exhausting that I'd rather just skip.  So now I'm trying to figure out a way to prioritize that into my life, along with everything else.  I'm realizing more and more the things we value define who we are as a person.  Things we value now, or decisions we make now, have major effects on our lives in the future.  It's just insane to think of what kind of old(er) person I'm going to be.

A Love Letter To...

My friends!  I will not name names, but I need to get some things off my chest, and it's become way too hard to call each and everyone up and let them know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  I've been having one of those moments where all I want is to be around all my friends at once and just share in good moments together.  Granted, this is not a shout out to all of my friends, but just a couple with whom I can't seem to get a hold of lately.

To my oldest friend ever: I love you.  I love that we are so much alike, but have gone in two totally separate paths in life, each one leading to our own happiness.  Seeing you so happy and fulfilled with a family of your own makes me miss you so much that I wish I could go back in time where I would spend the day at your house playing in your pool, or running around in my back yard playing with My Little Ponies or making little cottages in the woods.  That kind of bonding is something I cherish and will never forget.  But I know we're both adults now and I want more than anything to have grown up memories together of just the two of us kicking back and basking in the happiness we've created for ourselves.  I always consider you to be a sort of step sister and miss having that connection aside from all the responsibilities we've created for ourselves.

To my best friend with whom I basically now share an online relationship with: I love you!  I know we both consider ourselves to be horrible friends by not returning phone calls or texts, but we both understand that our lives are anything but easy and I think that understanding is what makes our friendship so easy.  I wish wish wish you lived closer to me, but I don't really see that being possible since cold weather is not your friend.  But I always enjoy spending time together and having our own humor as to what's going on in the world around us.  You make me proud for all you've gone through, and I wish I could just give you a giant hug whenever I think of you!!

To my bestest best friend: You basically made my month of October by coming up here to spend time with me.  You inspire the boyfriend, you inspire me, and you are nothing short of humble about it.  You need to seriously just move up here and get it over with, because both of our lives will be that much happier.  Really I should just text you right now, but I'm feeling lazy.  When I come home next we will have more adventures together.  Love you.

Till the next time, feel the love people!