Can't Remember the Last Time that I...

Actually stayed home from work because I was ill!!  The weather change seemed to do a flip on my immune system.  I went to bed last night with a cough and today it's been pretty much the same.  Must think liquids-water and broth and tea.

It's always when I'm down for the count that reality seems to try and hit me from all sides.  The boyfriend's dad is not doing better, despite treatment and being in the hospital.  I'm not sure what to do.  I hate praying and the only response I feel I get out of that is either silence or the opposite of good news.  I don't want to give up hope because I have a bad vibe off something.

Not to mention school is getting so hard to fit into my schedule.  Or just real life.  I'm constantly trying to get things accomplished for me, but the only thing getting accomplished is me being late for everything.  I just get so tired, so bogged down by having a dirty house, unfinished tasks for school and work, that I am completely overwhelmed.  I can't depend on others to get things done, but I'm left with only the choice of leaving the responsibility to someone else.  And it doesn't get completed, it doesn't get accomplished or it's not successful.  I feel as though what everyone wants for me doesn't work for me most days.

And the sad thing is the root of all this is money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending crap loads of money that's not even mine, to make money.

I need a hero.

Dropping Out

Where do you draw the line that your current job is getting your more places than your college education?  For years I've been analyzing this and coming up with "Well, if you want to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or in a specific line of work, a college degree guarantees you'll have a dope paying job with a 401k and benefits out the ass."  But I don't want to be a lawyer, doctor, engineer, or anything that has to do with math.  Also having a cubicle sounds like living in a prison from 9-5.  Yuck.

I see where degrees and licenses are significant, but for what I want to do, I don't really know of any schooling or degrees or certifications that apply to me.

I don't want to quit or give up though.  Just right now, professionally what I've got going on is paying off more than going to classes and playing the pass/fail game.  LAME.

So now it's time for phone calls to be made, appointments to set up, counselors of all backgrounds to talk to, as well as working on this business.  This shit is growing like a parasite in my daily life and I'm like, WHOA!!!!!  Except not entirely.  I'm just finding out more and more that I've got a lot to get done still and a lot of stuff to sort through and figure out.  In the end I know it'll all make everyone happy, well not EVERYONE, but those that matter most will be happy, and that's always good.

Most Days are Good

I hate to think I'm a disappointment because I'm seriously considering just sticking to the two careers I've created for myself in the past 6 months, because that means this bachelor's degree is not going anywhere anytime soon...but it's not really all that necessary with what I've got going on now.

Not gonna put all my eggs in one basket though.  I like to keep my bases covered.

Lately I've had so much shit I've got to accomplish before I can put all my focus on what I'd really like to do right now.  Which is draw my own types of drawings (i.e. stuff I can legit just sell on etsy or some shit, or just put up in art fairs, whatever), and going back to making clothes.  Why?  Because I hate shopping, and I hate not having what I want available to me at something other than insanely ridiculously expensive.  Plus I miss that part of designing.  I like to think I have what it takes to be successful in the fashion business, but then again, I'm always second guessing myself.  I just want people to wear my stuff and for others to recognize it.

But none of that can really happen till I get my home life straightened out.  Like selling this damn futon.  And getting a kitchen table and chairs that doesn't look like crap.  And having a clean house with everything one really needs (i.e. toilet paper).  Not that I can't afford it, that's not the issue.  Finding a place that's convenient that's open when I'm available to get this crap is.

Also why am I always at work during dinner?  Last semester I was home every night cooking and now I'm never home and all I've been eating is fast food.  I can't afford this, but taking 30 minutes to make dinner usually exhausts me just thinking about it.  Grocery shopping feels like a pain because of all the shit I gotta pick out.  I feel like I have more important things to do, like work or taking my dog to the dog park, or cleaning my room, or going to the bank.

Also, I hate fucking banks.  Charging me money to carry a debit card?  What the fuck kind of shit is this?  The only way to make sure shit goes smoothly is to go in personally and have an hour and a half conversation with a personal banker because otherwise they screw up your whole account(s) with them.  I hate money, I've never been happy with it or without it because something always goes awry and I end up having to pay out the nose for it.

I will say this though.  The days I have the energy to just do things I need and/or want and I get them accomplished, I feel fucking fabulous.  Although I didn't do anything one would normally think I should do, I got a lot of stuff accomplished, and I still have time to make a super long blog.  I have a clean car, a dirty and super tired dog (obviously he'll be getting a bath later), and more checked off stuff from my to-do list for my job.

I guess success depends on what you measure.

Watching my Life from Behind a Curtain

I look at my life and I see equal parts leading and equal parts following.  Socially, I like to think I'm a leader, but most of the time I feel like I'm just following along.  And let's be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with life most days.  I'm usually just following the lead or example of someone else and mimicking them.  I wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school, and mimic people.  I listen to my ipod because everyone else does.  I drive fast because everyone else does.  I keep up with personal hygiene because everyone else does.  And so forth.

Lately I've been asking myself, what am I actually supposed to be doing?  Like, am I really supposed to work like this, eat like this, party like this, have friendships like this?  Or should I be doing something else entirely?  How do you know you're doing the right thing?

The boy really hit it on the head last night when he told my my dad brought me up to believe that nothing I ever accomplished or did was good enough.  I've been programmed to believe that I'm never succeeding, I'm never satisfied with what I've done so far, because there's always room for improvement.  Yes, I can see how that is helpful because it gives you a good drive, but there's a line between continued success and never feeling like you've reached it.  I don't see a point in celebrations or pats on the back when my entire life I've always been told "That's nice, but why didn't you do this?  This is so much better and effective than what you just did, regardless of how much time and effort you put into it."

But yet, here I am, moving up the corporate ladder at my day job, starting my own business outside of said job, making extremely good connections with local big wigs, but I'm more concerned about making sure my dog is bathed and fed, my house isn't a disaster, and that everything is organized and streamlined.  My priorities are that messed up and I can't find a way to sort them out.

I do best when I get acknowledgement for my skills, and lately I feel like I've been just wading in murky water.  I don't know where I stand with anything I'm trying to do, and I don't know where I should be with my skill set.  I feel entirely lost and confused when it comes to making my life work.

Being a Grownup

Today is beautiful weather-wise.  Indian summer's are not usually my cup of tea because they're like little teases and last for like 2 days, but this year it's been pretty wonderful not having jacket weather at night.

I've decided that after walking onto campus today, my priorities and passions don't align like they did two years ago.  And that may suck in some ways, but I think it's actually better this way.  I've grown up, I've accomplished many things, experienced some major ups and downs, and am making a living for myself in a way that's fulfilling and joyful.

This is going to be short because it's seriously 80 degrees and sunny outside and I'm gonna have to enjoy that before the sun goes down, but I wanted to say that I'm finding joy in what I like, and I'm making a living off of joy.  And it's for myself.  Not for anyone else.

Here's to your passions :)

Overwhelmed...All Around

I tend to go in over my head a lot.  And the consequences tend to be kind of devastating.  I'm really easily persuaded into social situations, like going out with friends, spending money I shouldn't, skipping classes, avoiding homework or other responsibilities until the last minute.  This doesn't happen as much as it used to when I was younger.  But I'm not perfect.

With my sleep schedule being completely out of whack (seriously, I sleep too much and I can't figure out how to not be tired), my priorities tend to get messed up sometimes.  Lately it's feeling like a lot.  But I'm not a total failure, things have been on the upswing if you don't include school.  Since it's still early in the semester, not much has been really going on, but I'm worried that as it goes on it's going to feel more and more obsolete to me.  I just don't feel like there's really a connection to school and the real world anymore, but I don't want to stop going.  Mostly because that's a hell of a lot of debt I'll have to pay off and I'm in no position to pay that off yet.  Or never.  I feel like college loans are something that will never go away in anyone's life.

I guess at this point I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is for me in my life and whether or not I really want this.  I'm always attracted to art and fashion, but I feel like I have to go through all these unappealing steps to get there.  Kind of sucks.  But I figure if I work hard it will pay off.  I just feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the meaning of it all.

Going with the Flow

School is starting to feel obsolete as work becomes more and more exciting.  I'm moving on to bigger and better things and without a degree.  I'm meeting people who I never in my wildest dreams would think to associate with. Opportunities are happening where I never believed they'd even come to me.  I'm happy with the big picture.

In retrospect, seeing others around me trying so hard to get degrees that will only land them in a 9-5 job working as basically a secretary makes me see how much madness is in the world around us.  I figure if you work hard, it should be something that's superbly rewarding, not something that makes ends meet.  Whether it's monetarily, socially, etc., you should push yourself beyond the limits people give you.  The best thing I ever did was put my toe in the water and let myself get sucked in.  Yeah, it closes a lot of doors to other things, but those things wouldn't have led me anywhere sustainable.

We all have dreams, things we want to accomplish and do in our lives, but the majority of us don't achieve them.  We don't fail, we just choose different paths that give us different results.  Some of those different paths are families, comfort living, independence, or an entirely different way of life.  Not all of it's "glamorous", but it gets the job done and gives us a sense of purpose.  And you know what?  Those differences are not looked upon as regrets.  But for those who live their dreams, it comes with the same sense of satisfaction and purpose.  So I don't think either is really a bad choice or decision, just different.

Because someone does or likes something you hate doesn't mean that they're bad or should be hated.  Yes, as humans we like repetition, we like patterns, we like similarities.  It gives us comfort.  But we also as humans do not like to conform to one idea.  Everyone wants to be right, but right is not one way.  So the big picture is living with everyone's differences, and living your life for you.  Being selfish has its benefits, and shouldn't be looked upon as a negative aspect of someone's actions or ideas.  In the end, we are all selfish for our own survival, so don't get an attitude when someone puts themselves before you when you know you would have done the same.  Being selfless is something we can attain to, but selfishness is something we can use to our advantage to become selfless.