Watching my Life from Behind a Curtain

I look at my life and I see equal parts leading and equal parts following.  Socially, I like to think I'm a leader, but most of the time I feel like I'm just following along.  And let's be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with life most days.  I'm usually just following the lead or example of someone else and mimicking them.  I wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school, and mimic people.  I listen to my ipod because everyone else does.  I drive fast because everyone else does.  I keep up with personal hygiene because everyone else does.  And so forth.

Lately I've been asking myself, what am I actually supposed to be doing?  Like, am I really supposed to work like this, eat like this, party like this, have friendships like this?  Or should I be doing something else entirely?  How do you know you're doing the right thing?

The boy really hit it on the head last night when he told my my dad brought me up to believe that nothing I ever accomplished or did was good enough.  I've been programmed to believe that I'm never succeeding, I'm never satisfied with what I've done so far, because there's always room for improvement.  Yes, I can see how that is helpful because it gives you a good drive, but there's a line between continued success and never feeling like you've reached it.  I don't see a point in celebrations or pats on the back when my entire life I've always been told "That's nice, but why didn't you do this?  This is so much better and effective than what you just did, regardless of how much time and effort you put into it."

But yet, here I am, moving up the corporate ladder at my day job, starting my own business outside of said job, making extremely good connections with local big wigs, but I'm more concerned about making sure my dog is bathed and fed, my house isn't a disaster, and that everything is organized and streamlined.  My priorities are that messed up and I can't find a way to sort them out.

I do best when I get acknowledgement for my skills, and lately I feel like I've been just wading in murky water.  I don't know where I stand with anything I'm trying to do, and I don't know where I should be with my skill set.  I feel entirely lost and confused when it comes to making my life work.

Being a Grownup

Today is beautiful weather-wise.  Indian summer's are not usually my cup of tea because they're like little teases and last for like 2 days, but this year it's been pretty wonderful not having jacket weather at night.

I've decided that after walking onto campus today, my priorities and passions don't align like they did two years ago.  And that may suck in some ways, but I think it's actually better this way.  I've grown up, I've accomplished many things, experienced some major ups and downs, and am making a living for myself in a way that's fulfilling and joyful.

This is going to be short because it's seriously 80 degrees and sunny outside and I'm gonna have to enjoy that before the sun goes down, but I wanted to say that I'm finding joy in what I like, and I'm making a living off of joy.  And it's for myself.  Not for anyone else.

Here's to your passions :)

Overwhelmed...All Around

I tend to go in over my head a lot.  And the consequences tend to be kind of devastating.  I'm really easily persuaded into social situations, like going out with friends, spending money I shouldn't, skipping classes, avoiding homework or other responsibilities until the last minute.  This doesn't happen as much as it used to when I was younger.  But I'm not perfect.

With my sleep schedule being completely out of whack (seriously, I sleep too much and I can't figure out how to not be tired), my priorities tend to get messed up sometimes.  Lately it's feeling like a lot.  But I'm not a total failure, things have been on the upswing if you don't include school.  Since it's still early in the semester, not much has been really going on, but I'm worried that as it goes on it's going to feel more and more obsolete to me.  I just don't feel like there's really a connection to school and the real world anymore, but I don't want to stop going.  Mostly because that's a hell of a lot of debt I'll have to pay off and I'm in no position to pay that off yet.  Or never.  I feel like college loans are something that will never go away in anyone's life.

I guess at this point I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is for me in my life and whether or not I really want this.  I'm always attracted to art and fashion, but I feel like I have to go through all these unappealing steps to get there.  Kind of sucks.  But I figure if I work hard it will pay off.  I just feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the meaning of it all.

Going with the Flow

School is starting to feel obsolete as work becomes more and more exciting.  I'm moving on to bigger and better things and without a degree.  I'm meeting people who I never in my wildest dreams would think to associate with. Opportunities are happening where I never believed they'd even come to me.  I'm happy with the big picture.

In retrospect, seeing others around me trying so hard to get degrees that will only land them in a 9-5 job working as basically a secretary makes me see how much madness is in the world around us.  I figure if you work hard, it should be something that's superbly rewarding, not something that makes ends meet.  Whether it's monetarily, socially, etc., you should push yourself beyond the limits people give you.  The best thing I ever did was put my toe in the water and let myself get sucked in.  Yeah, it closes a lot of doors to other things, but those things wouldn't have led me anywhere sustainable.

We all have dreams, things we want to accomplish and do in our lives, but the majority of us don't achieve them.  We don't fail, we just choose different paths that give us different results.  Some of those different paths are families, comfort living, independence, or an entirely different way of life.  Not all of it's "glamorous", but it gets the job done and gives us a sense of purpose.  And you know what?  Those differences are not looked upon as regrets.  But for those who live their dreams, it comes with the same sense of satisfaction and purpose.  So I don't think either is really a bad choice or decision, just different.

Because someone does or likes something you hate doesn't mean that they're bad or should be hated.  Yes, as humans we like repetition, we like patterns, we like similarities.  It gives us comfort.  But we also as humans do not like to conform to one idea.  Everyone wants to be right, but right is not one way.  So the big picture is living with everyone's differences, and living your life for you.  Being selfish has its benefits, and shouldn't be looked upon as a negative aspect of someone's actions or ideas.  In the end, we are all selfish for our own survival, so don't get an attitude when someone puts themselves before you when you know you would have done the same.  Being selfless is something we can attain to, but selfishness is something we can use to our advantage to become selfless.

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

Man, six months ago when all my doors were getting slammed shut in my face, I felt completely screwed and stupid.  I mean, what's a girl to do with no car, no job, a horrible GPA, too much school loan debt, and a crappy apartment?

Move, buy a new car, get promoted, and ebb away from the college lifestyle.

Seriously, sometimes I look at my life and think I'm in a movie.  This can't be real.  I mean, what person my age with no college degree is basically running a boutique entirely by themselves and making it work?  What other person is sponsoring local fashion scenes, a band signed to a major label, and on the brink of major success?  I can't really take it that way though.  I'm just doing what I do and trying to make it work in real life.  On paper I feel like it's wonderful and that this is how people get into the big league with making lots of money, but this surely can't be me, can it?

I still long for the opportunity to become an art director for a photographer or design company.  To me, that would be just the best thing in the world.  Going to work and having creative genius spew everywhere, seeing my completed work in society whether in magazines or billboards or whatever, and then going home and living my personal life the way I want.  Having that separation between work and play is huge for me.  And that's probably why I hate school so much.  Homework goes with you, classes are always relying on you to do work on your own time.  Well that's not really for me.  I'd rather do the work when it's work time, and do whatever the hell I want on my own time.  Like going to dinner, partying, running errands, cooking, seeing movies, putting my house together, etc.

I'm not a 1 dimensional person.  I'm very much multidimensional and have a striking duality.  The boyfriend sees this all the time.  He tells me that I'm very very hard and rough, but that I have a pure and good heart.  I like to think that's the best combination, because if you reversed it you'd have a very powerful and horrible person among you.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who surround with me encouragement and love.  It's weird to see those who stick by you and those who magically disappear.  I feel like all of a sudden I have a base of people I can be around and talk about what matters when months ago I felt totally alone.  But I make the best of it and I focus on what I need done for me.  The rest just follows.

Overworked, Underpaid but Don't be Afraid

I feel like after having the longest week ever of obtaining a new car, moving, and starting school, I've pretty much obliterated my circadian rhythm for sleeping normally.  I also need to find vitamin D supplements that don't make me want to vomit from their chalky nasty taste.  The last 2 days have been impossible for me to get out of bed early.  And by early I mean the earliest I tried was 7 a.m.  What the hell, body?   3 years ago I could function just fine with 4 hours of sleep, and now I'm getting like 11 and I'm still unable to move and get out of bed.  Ugh.  For a while if I got 7 hours I was golden.  And now it's like I need 9 or I'm useless.  I'm such a baby but I think it's because of all the stress I've endured in the past 2 months.  Aye...You think waking up to a cold house would help too, but not true.  Also having a dog that will repeatedly hit you in the face with its paw isn't all that effective either.

Also is it possible to give yourself bruises from sleeping so hard?  I keep getting bruises on my legs above my knee and it's not from any of my daily blunders.  I also get them on my calves every so often too.  Just weird.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get by with this whole never having time for homework on the weekends.  Or never having time to do laundry at a normal hour.  Still trying to work out the kinks.

Hello, My Name is Pamela, and I am an Addict

....to zebra print!!!!

After today, I finally admitted that I have a teeny little problem.  After seeing I have a matching zebra print planner and folder for school (both have hot pink trim), as well as a zebra print dress and zebra print top..not to mention soon to be mine zebra print flats...zebra print art supply zip case, zebra print background on my phone, and a zebra print purse (with canary yellow trim), and a soon to be mine zebra print phone case....I'm finally going to say it.  I'm addicted to zebra print.

I don't think it's entirely unhealthy.  I don't have any furniture or furnishings with this motif, nor is any of my online stuff decked out in it, but I'm pretty close to being obsessed.  If I have the option, I will get something in this pattern.  I already made my debit card get this print on it.  I haven't used my birthday vickie's gift card yet because it's zebra print (and because I never have time to shop).

I just can't stop, it's too fun!!!  I found a zebra print bedspread with robin's egg blue trim and nearly got it.  But I don't live alone and the boy would die before sleeping in such feminine bedding.

Aside from that, now that life is starting to tie itself together, I'm pushing myself extra hard this semester.  I feel more in control of myself and more confident in my abilities to accomplish things.  Plus I feel kind of like I did when I was 18 and I'm totally ready to just get the shit I need done and prepare for what's to come.  There's no reason I can't work hard and party harder.  I can do this.  Everything is lined up for me to succeed, I just have to act.