Overwhelmed...All Around

I tend to go in over my head a lot.  And the consequences tend to be kind of devastating.  I'm really easily persuaded into social situations, like going out with friends, spending money I shouldn't, skipping classes, avoiding homework or other responsibilities until the last minute.  This doesn't happen as much as it used to when I was younger.  But I'm not perfect.

With my sleep schedule being completely out of whack (seriously, I sleep too much and I can't figure out how to not be tired), my priorities tend to get messed up sometimes.  Lately it's feeling like a lot.  But I'm not a total failure, things have been on the upswing if you don't include school.  Since it's still early in the semester, not much has been really going on, but I'm worried that as it goes on it's going to feel more and more obsolete to me.  I just don't feel like there's really a connection to school and the real world anymore, but I don't want to stop going.  Mostly because that's a hell of a lot of debt I'll have to pay off and I'm in no position to pay that off yet.  Or never.  I feel like college loans are something that will never go away in anyone's life.

I guess at this point I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is for me in my life and whether or not I really want this.  I'm always attracted to art and fashion, but I feel like I have to go through all these unappealing steps to get there.  Kind of sucks.  But I figure if I work hard it will pay off.  I just feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the meaning of it all.

Going with the Flow

School is starting to feel obsolete as work becomes more and more exciting.  I'm moving on to bigger and better things and without a degree.  I'm meeting people who I never in my wildest dreams would think to associate with. Opportunities are happening where I never believed they'd even come to me.  I'm happy with the big picture.

In retrospect, seeing others around me trying so hard to get degrees that will only land them in a 9-5 job working as basically a secretary makes me see how much madness is in the world around us.  I figure if you work hard, it should be something that's superbly rewarding, not something that makes ends meet.  Whether it's monetarily, socially, etc., you should push yourself beyond the limits people give you.  The best thing I ever did was put my toe in the water and let myself get sucked in.  Yeah, it closes a lot of doors to other things, but those things wouldn't have led me anywhere sustainable.

We all have dreams, things we want to accomplish and do in our lives, but the majority of us don't achieve them.  We don't fail, we just choose different paths that give us different results.  Some of those different paths are families, comfort living, independence, or an entirely different way of life.  Not all of it's "glamorous", but it gets the job done and gives us a sense of purpose.  And you know what?  Those differences are not looked upon as regrets.  But for those who live their dreams, it comes with the same sense of satisfaction and purpose.  So I don't think either is really a bad choice or decision, just different.

Because someone does or likes something you hate doesn't mean that they're bad or should be hated.  Yes, as humans we like repetition, we like patterns, we like similarities.  It gives us comfort.  But we also as humans do not like to conform to one idea.  Everyone wants to be right, but right is not one way.  So the big picture is living with everyone's differences, and living your life for you.  Being selfish has its benefits, and shouldn't be looked upon as a negative aspect of someone's actions or ideas.  In the end, we are all selfish for our own survival, so don't get an attitude when someone puts themselves before you when you know you would have done the same.  Being selfless is something we can attain to, but selfishness is something we can use to our advantage to become selfless.

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

Man, six months ago when all my doors were getting slammed shut in my face, I felt completely screwed and stupid.  I mean, what's a girl to do with no car, no job, a horrible GPA, too much school loan debt, and a crappy apartment?

Move, buy a new car, get promoted, and ebb away from the college lifestyle.

Seriously, sometimes I look at my life and think I'm in a movie.  This can't be real.  I mean, what person my age with no college degree is basically running a boutique entirely by themselves and making it work?  What other person is sponsoring local fashion scenes, a band signed to a major label, and on the brink of major success?  I can't really take it that way though.  I'm just doing what I do and trying to make it work in real life.  On paper I feel like it's wonderful and that this is how people get into the big league with making lots of money, but this surely can't be me, can it?

I still long for the opportunity to become an art director for a photographer or design company.  To me, that would be just the best thing in the world.  Going to work and having creative genius spew everywhere, seeing my completed work in society whether in magazines or billboards or whatever, and then going home and living my personal life the way I want.  Having that separation between work and play is huge for me.  And that's probably why I hate school so much.  Homework goes with you, classes are always relying on you to do work on your own time.  Well that's not really for me.  I'd rather do the work when it's work time, and do whatever the hell I want on my own time.  Like going to dinner, partying, running errands, cooking, seeing movies, putting my house together, etc.

I'm not a 1 dimensional person.  I'm very much multidimensional and have a striking duality.  The boyfriend sees this all the time.  He tells me that I'm very very hard and rough, but that I have a pure and good heart.  I like to think that's the best combination, because if you reversed it you'd have a very powerful and horrible person among you.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who surround with me encouragement and love.  It's weird to see those who stick by you and those who magically disappear.  I feel like all of a sudden I have a base of people I can be around and talk about what matters when months ago I felt totally alone.  But I make the best of it and I focus on what I need done for me.  The rest just follows.

Overworked, Underpaid but Don't be Afraid

I feel like after having the longest week ever of obtaining a new car, moving, and starting school, I've pretty much obliterated my circadian rhythm for sleeping normally.  I also need to find vitamin D supplements that don't make me want to vomit from their chalky nasty taste.  The last 2 days have been impossible for me to get out of bed early.  And by early I mean the earliest I tried was 7 a.m.  What the hell, body?   3 years ago I could function just fine with 4 hours of sleep, and now I'm getting like 11 and I'm still unable to move and get out of bed.  Ugh.  For a while if I got 7 hours I was golden.  And now it's like I need 9 or I'm useless.  I'm such a baby but I think it's because of all the stress I've endured in the past 2 months.  Aye...You think waking up to a cold house would help too, but not true.  Also having a dog that will repeatedly hit you in the face with its paw isn't all that effective either.

Also is it possible to give yourself bruises from sleeping so hard?  I keep getting bruises on my legs above my knee and it's not from any of my daily blunders.  I also get them on my calves every so often too.  Just weird.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get by with this whole never having time for homework on the weekends.  Or never having time to do laundry at a normal hour.  Still trying to work out the kinks.

Hello, My Name is Pamela, and I am an Addict

....to zebra print!!!!

After today, I finally admitted that I have a teeny little problem.  After seeing I have a matching zebra print planner and folder for school (both have hot pink trim), as well as a zebra print dress and zebra print top..not to mention soon to be mine zebra print flats...zebra print art supply zip case, zebra print background on my phone, and a zebra print purse (with canary yellow trim), and a soon to be mine zebra print phone case....I'm finally going to say it.  I'm addicted to zebra print.

I don't think it's entirely unhealthy.  I don't have any furniture or furnishings with this motif, nor is any of my online stuff decked out in it, but I'm pretty close to being obsessed.  If I have the option, I will get something in this pattern.  I already made my debit card get this print on it.  I haven't used my birthday vickie's gift card yet because it's zebra print (and because I never have time to shop).

I just can't stop, it's too fun!!!  I found a zebra print bedspread with robin's egg blue trim and nearly got it.  But I don't live alone and the boy would die before sleeping in such feminine bedding.

Aside from that, now that life is starting to tie itself together, I'm pushing myself extra hard this semester.  I feel more in control of myself and more confident in my abilities to accomplish things.  Plus I feel kind of like I did when I was 18 and I'm totally ready to just get the shit I need done and prepare for what's to come.  There's no reason I can't work hard and party harder.  I can do this.  Everything is lined up for me to succeed, I just have to act.

Trying to Fell a Giant Oak With a Razor Blade

Work is running me into the ground.  I won't bore anyone with the details, but making do with what you have really sucks.  Also trying to get stuff done outside of work is pretty impossible considering the hours I'm trying to get in.  For example, here are some things I just realized I'm without of as of this week:

• Winter clothes.  (Really fun realizing this as I'm freezing my butt of trying to get dressed for the day and the weather report says we're going to hit a high of 66.)
• Underwear.  Lately, my dog thinks he's helping out by chewing out the crotch of my underwear.  I found his stash the other day spread all over the couch and him lying on his belly knowing he did a bad thing.  Needless to say I was pissed.
• Kitchen furniture.  And an acceptable delivery time period to receive it all.  I have a kitchen dining set I want from Target's online site, but if I order it now, I won't get it until I'm in NY.  This means waiting and waiting to have a place to sit and eat.
• Time to go shopping-for anything.  With my work schedule, I get out of work when other shopping stores are closed.  I really wish I had a whole day I could spend at the mall to stock up on shoes (I've ruined so many flats this year it's pathetic), the above the necessities, and whatever the hell else I can think of.  My brain doesn't function when I'm unorganized.

Not to mention I still have yet to finish unpacking and organizing the new place so that I actually feel like I live there and not in this chaotic temporary state.  I wish I had a week to just be the stereotypical housewife and have everything cleaned, scrubbed, washed, put away and lined up in its proper order.  Then I could feel more relaxed.

I'm acting like a neat freak only because if you saw what my house looked like right now you'd probably scream.  Because I'm without a dog bed and a clean second bedroom to put him in, he sleeps on the new couch, which I abhor.  I don't like naughty behavior and I don't like having to discipline him every two seconds.  I have a giant fleece blanket laid out for him by the TV, but he never sleeps there.  Last night he slept on my lap on the couch while I watched The Best of Chris Farley on Netflix.  Terrible.  And I feel guilty because I have to board him while we're out of town and I've never done that before and I'm terrified they'll neglect him.  He's so social that if left alone all day he'll get depressed and exhibit OCD behavior (for example licking the fabric on the couch repeatedly...I don't get it?).

I may be overreacting, but never being at home really bothers me.  Having school and a full time job is really stressful and I'm not sure how long I'll be wanting to do this.  Hopefully I can graduate and be done soon, but I have no clue.

New costs, new responsibility, new ride

After nearly 10 hours dealing with car dealerships and quite possibly EVERYTHING that could go wrong with my life in one day, I'm a happy jeep owner alongside the boy.  This took more work than I ever imagined, but I was still able to drive away with something amazing.

In the midst of dealing with loan people and finance people, I received news that my father had suffered a heart attack.  As I was signing the papers, he was in surgery.  With all the other crap I'm dealing with right now with my job and my relationship, and my guy's family, this was spreading me too thin and I cracked.  When your parents show weakness, that kind of thing just hits me like a blow to the chest and I fall apart.  Nothing is scarier than that for me.  So here's a scene for you to picture-Pamela crying like a 5 year old in a dealership office and everyone staring at her like she just grew a third arm.  The good news is that my father is doing fine, it wasn't too serious and other than this, he is in great health.  Here's hoping he outlives his mom-she's pulling 92 this December.

So now this kind of backtracks my semester a tad bit.  Financially I'm looking at conserving as much money as I'm able to so I can afford plane tickets and trips home.  I'm looking at going home for Thanksgiving than going with the boy to NY for the holiday.  Not sure how we're going to coordinate all this traveling and such, but I'm going to make this work.  I'm going to have to go and be a grown up about my weekly schedule for things.  So no more sleeping in and no parties until I've got a handle on my responsibilities.  Got to figure out splitting responsibilities with the boy about living conditions and the pup.  He's driving the both of us nuts with not getting enough exercise.  I'm hoping with the car that will be fixed so we can take more trips to the dog park.  I'm also going to have to figure out something with my work schedule.  Probably going to have to figure something out with the boss that doesn't kill me or ruin my school semester.