More Adventures in the every rolling hill that is my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride with a lot of things.  When it's going good, I enjoy it, other times I want it all to stop because I'm not enjoying myself whatsoever and I need a break.  Most of the time, I'm just sitting there spacing out looking at the scenery.  So much has happened this summer, and yet nothing has happened.  I totaled my car and am reduced to bus rides till I get money to put a down payment on a car.  The boy and I are finally able to quite literally do whatever the hell we want, but we're broke and can't afford any of the things we want to do.

And lo and behold, I found the apartment of my dreams.  In the heart of Uptown, brownstone building, cheaper, bigger, better amenities, a much nicer and understanding landlord, and pet friendly.  I was terrified I wouldn't get it in time, that it would be given to someone else who was just a tad quicker at filling out an application than me, or something equally stupid.  I was afraid I'd be stuck in this horrible a/c-less coffin of an apartment or settling for something equally as crappy.  But I found something nearly perfect.  I feel as though I'm coming back to when I first moved to the Uptown area a couple years ago, and that feeling of moving on up and affording it is beautiful.  But once I'm all moved in, life will go back down to normal and boring or worse; to something bad.

At the moment, not having a car is probably the shittiest thing to ever go through when you have a time demanding job, are in the process of moving, and can't just "walk" to the grocery store.  It also doesn't help that I can't just walk to the beach anymore, which is the NUMBER 1 reason I hate living in Northeast.  Yes, the neighborhood is quiet, there's neighborhood bars around every corner, but for the love of Christ, give me a beach, land of 10,000 lakes!  Why did I move to the one pocket of the cities that has no lakes?!  All that's going to change come Labor Day weekend though, and for good reason.

School starts up again soon too, which I'm not sure if I should be looking forward to or just dreading.  I'm part-time now with the job, so that'll be a bit different.  I'm hoping it'll feel good since I'm taking a drawing course again.  I miss that.  I just keep feeling anxious about money and income stuff, which, with the state of the economy and all the government mess, I'm terrified I'm going to get screwed.  The boy is rampant about discussing politics with literally every person we see, and I just don't jump in.  I know what he's going to say, I know how the conversation will go, and it's all just a song on repeat for me.  He knows where I stand (the complete OPPOSITE end from him), and nothing is going to change that.  It's all very tiring though to have to listen to the same thing over and over again.  Part of me is actually kind of excited to start up school again in order to have academic conversations again and discuss things like art and history and music.  I need a heavy dose of culture in my life right now.  In fact I've been craving reading books I have on my reading list (long forgotten almost), craving learning, and craving being an adult in some aspects.

My closest friends are starting to jump on the bandwagon of healthy eating, which has always been an important issue to me since moving out of my parent's.  My parents are not unhealthy eaters, but my dad was a Depression baby in the sense that his parents lived through that and instilled money saving values onto their kids.  This means buying cheap, processed foods in bulk.  After exposure to my organic and gourmet-esque friends and family, my horizons have broadened tremendously, and now I'm eating things my parents normally would never eat.  But regardless of that, I've had this growing ambition to go completely organic and grassfed, as well as buy as much local as possible, even start my own little herb pots in the new place.  The boy hasn't really been exposed to this kind of lifestyle before, but he loves what I make and can't seem to get enough of it.  And that's all that really matters.  I figure if it tastes good and makes you feel good, it's got to be good for you.

For the most part though, I tend to think my life is boring and uneventful.  I'm not out on the town every week, not surrounded by friends, and definitely not taking lavish trips anywhere.  I'm not getting married or having a baby either, so compared to most other people my age, I'm not really doing much of anything.  But I'm living, I have a wonderful puppy to give cuddles to, and a guy I can goof off with.  I'm in a very plain aspect of my life, but I'm content with it, because anything else would be too stressful for me.  I look at other people's lives and I just think "man, I couldn't have a kid right now, my life would feel like a prison because then I have a major responsibility taking over everything I want to do for me.  Plus it makes me a lot older than I'd like to be right now."  I also think, wow, too many problems and drama for anyone to want to give a damn about.  Mostly, I see other people just getting a lot older than me, and I don't want to catch up.  If I caught up, I'd be one step closer to death, and I just want to enjoy where I am for the time being.  I like not having a predictable lifestyle, not having anything to really be tied down to.  No one has huge expectations of me, and I love that feeling.

I'm too ambitious for my own good

I make really long to-do lists only to complete less than half of what I originally listed by the end of the day/week/month, etc.  But it's how my mind works, and sometimes (well, often times) I get really upset when I don't complete everything on the list.  But in all reality, everything unfinished tends to roll over into the next period and gets completed later than when I set the goal to complete it.  This is my ever continuous failing attempt to be an overachiever.  I have too many ideas to keep inside my head, so when I write them down, a part of my brain automatically thinks that I then need to actually do everything I write down, which only leads to disappointment.

One of these lists consists of things I'd like to complete before I go out of town for my ginormous family celebration.  Between a birthday, graduation and 25th wedding anniversary, I'm gonna be pretty busy while I'm gone.  But with the work schedule I've given myself, I'm not going to be able to complete everything I'd like to get done.  Which sucks, because someone's going to go hungry this week, as well as having some food go bad due to the nonexistent amount of time to eat it all/prepare any of it.

In recent weeks I've also come to the realization that I'm a workaholic.  It's not that I get addicted to my job, but in all areas of my life, I push myself to the max and I don't allow myself a break.  Even a vacation is like a job to me, because I plan and plan and figure an itinerary for the whole ordeal.  And of course tons of items on my never-ending to-do list never happen, which again gives me disappointment, although it's usually momentarily and I forget about it within a second.  I hardly ever sit down when I'm working on projects, or just doing my job, and when I finally do, I feel like collapsing.

At least I sleep like a rock at night and always get a full night's sleep.

I didn't forget about this blog...I promise

Ever since the culmination of spring semester, my life has been nothing short of chaotic.  But that's all coming to a  low point now, which is fine by me because anymore stress or drama would have put me in a mental hospital.  Not really, but you get the gist.  My baby brother (although I only say that to kid, he's not a baby anymore) graduated high school a couple weeks ago and I'll be traveling back to my parent's to celebrate that along with my dad's birthday and my parent's 25th wedding anniversary.  Pretty big amount of celebrating, but it'll be short-lived with the new position at work I've been given, as well as focusing on getting on top of all the crap following being broke and never having time for anything.

I think honestly what the biggest lesson I've learned is that although I miss the friends who have fallen away in the past year, I can't revert to this person people seem to want me to be.  I've changed drastically all through 2010 and it's only continuing in 2011.  I've finally reached the beginning stages of adulthood and have taken giant leaps away from being a college student depending on all sorts of ways to survive.  But it's a slow process.  I've outgrown so many habits, yet am anticipating going back to doing certain things that have had to take a backseat to the things I need to straighten out.  I can finally have a life that's both fulfilling and busy-not just busy.

Some big news though, I adopted a dog!  My newest addition to my life is a Siberian Husky/Australian Shepherd mutt I've dubbed Atreyu (not after that pathetic band, but after the hero in Neverending Story for those of you who don't get the reference).  My sister is unable to pronounce his name.  Which makes her the only one, but also typical.  I'll have to post pictures later, when I'm on a computer that allows me to upload them.  But he's beautifully blond with almost white blue eyes.  He's probably the best spontaneous decision of my life at the moment.

So aside from getting a big promotion, adding a new member of the family and passing this semester (such a shock to the system), things are getting better.  I'm looking to move into a better, cheaper place back in Uptown since I miss it so much, as well as purchase a different vehicle.  I know I was obsessing about the new lancer, but for the past few months I've been looking at Jeep Wranglers.  Now that I have a big dog, something bigger and beefier seems more appropriate.  I just abhor SUV's or any pick up truck.  YUCK!  I figure a little jeep is sporty and small enough to drive in the city.  Plus people get out of your way when you drive.  But that's for when I'm no longer scrambling to get on top of things.

So life is somewhat good now, looking up, but always there to slap me in the face when I get overly confident in myself.  I'll post more later.

It's so HOTTTTT!!!!

I woke up this morning and instead of it being kind of chilly and rainy or sunny and breezy...it was humid as a motherf*****.  I have all this ambition to go out, get a job, work on making my apartment fresh and pretty-but if this weather doesn't become nice and spring-like, I'm just gonna have to find some other way of coping with life. I'm glad that I got a little glimpse of summer, but not having air conditioning in my house is bounds for not okay-ness with me.  Seriously.

But I'm excited to clean out my crap and organize my shit this summer.  Having a new laptop (yay!!!) to do all my work and stuff on is soooo much nicer and more enjoyable too!  I have all these things I want to change about my home now that I have time to think and organize and do things that don't require myself outside of the home.  That's like the one plus side to being unemployed.  Everything else sucks.  Like having no money.  That problem encompasses all my other little problems I've got going on.  I'm seriously considering getting a night/weekend job if I can't land something decent during the day.

But back to this whole goal of getting back to myself and the basics...I am definitely the type of person whose environment totally effects everything.  If it's gross outside and rainy, I don't get up in the morning.  I also tend to be crabbier than usual or more on edge.  If it's nice, my ass is up at like 7:30 bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to go.  Even if it's a Saturday!  But aside from that, I'm really sick of feeling lazy and unmotivated, which is how I've been feeling all school year.  I'm not really sure why, but that needs to change, IMMEDIATELY.  Well, not really, but soon enough.  I'm just sick of eating fast food, processed food, going out to eat, not exercising (I miss living in Uptown for this reason alone.  I have no lakes to walk around!), having only black and gray clothing (what happened?  Like, for real?), hardly ever getting done up, not reading (my reading list is almost to 100, why has this not been completed yet?!)-just having a real lack of living and enjoyment going on.  I feel so bored and tired of my life right now.  I feel like it would all be so much better if I had a job, but then having a job means I wouldn't have any time to really change the things I'd really appreciate (like redecorating!).

But I'm hoping that I can get all that done this summer.  I'm not boggled down by obligations I had last summer, as well as no summer school (that was quite possibly the worst idea EVER).  When I have nothing to do, I get bombarded with ambition and ideas and it all comes into my brain in like 2 days of doing nothing and feeling like I have nothing to do.  It's pretty cool.  But also not so great because I shouldn't ever be that bored.

Finals week and summer hopes

So I'm halfway through finals, the conclusion of this messed up semester I've got going on, and I am just so mentally exhausted.  BUT, I have a newfound inspiration to get shit done and better myself this summer.  I realize that during this semester I just got so freaking bored and stuck in a complete rut.  I didn't have any fun, plus I have like zero friends.  Also my job was so boring and not going anywhere; it was kinda sad.

I am currently looking for a new job, something that I can do and work well with.  Also something that pays bank like none other.  I'm trying to focus on me and not what I have to get done yet in order to be an adult.  My mental focus needs to shift back to what it was about um, 3 years ago.  Focusing back on myself.  I made a lot of friends that summer, also had like a new birth or something.  Either way, it was pretty amazing.

I have come to know that there's a lot of real crap with school happening, but I can only deal with it as it comes. Everyone has problems.  I just need to stop whining and just deal one day at a time. Which is really freaking difficult, but it's never going to be easy.  I realize that my self image just isn't making me happy and I need to change that.  So this summer will be the start of a journey going back to basics and cutting out the ugly crap I don't want or need.  A self cleansing if you will.  I've been getting too caught up with certain scenes and I just need to go back to what really matters to me.  And it's all really making me a lot happier.  I'm relearning to stop caring so much about what other people think of me.  It really doesn't matter that much.

So now it's back to clearing off all the bullshit and wiping away all the excess I don't need.  Also making room for things I've forgotten about.  I really need to get on all that too.  So here's hoping and trying to keep my mind shifted to the positive.

My life has too much in it

Gotta stick with my Alice in Wonderland theme.  Not really, I don't have rules like that in my life.  But this picture is fun and pertains to how I feel most days.  Like I've got too much going on.  Which is kind of not true because there's a lot I don't have going on.  Like friends.  And fun.  At least this kind of fun:

Or this:

Or maybe even a little bit of this:

I think everyone envies those who are on vacation.  Lots of fun and money to blow on fun.  It's an escape from reality.  I know that there is a lot going on in my life.  And although it means I have a lot, much of it is undesired and takes up room for the stuff I want in my life.  I mean, I have accepted a lot of shitty situations in my life, and although they are temporary, they aren't going away for a while yet.  And that prevents me from doing other things.  Like having fun, or hanging out with friends, or doing fun random shit like I used to.

But it's also put a lot of things in perspective about the people I've met.  90% of them are flakes.  They're not reliable, solid dependable people.  Turns out most people depend on me, and that's a really bad idea.  I don't consider myself to be that solid and reliable, mostly because I can only do so much until it starts coming back to me from the other end.  I get burnt out too easily trying to hang out with people or plan things, and most of the time it never really pays off.  So I get a lazy attitude about it.  I get the mindset of "well if people would commit and show up, I'd throw a kick ass party" and stop trying.

But it's not just friendships I miss out on.  It's also free time to actually explore my hobbies and passions, travel, grow up a little more.  I like having things to do, like going to art museums for fun, going to the movies with a group of friends, hiking, having random responsibilities besides taking care of myself.  I don't have the kind of income to support that though, and that prohibits me from really enjoying a lot of what I'd like to do.  Instead I'm stuck paying bills, working when I can afford to, and incessantly stressing out about school and the inability to graduate.  Lots of unfun, icky and boring things that require lots of my time.  And then I wonder why I'm so burnt out when I actually have free time.

I guess when I'm over throwing temper tantrums and have time to calm down and take a step back to review my life with fresh eyes, I feel motivated and upbeat to get it all done.  But when you get down to the grind, everything sucks.  Here's looking forward to May.

What horrible mess this all is

I talk the talk more than I walk the walk.  And I walk the walk begrudgingly.  I used to think I'm just lazy, but lately I think I have a strong reluctance to follow other people's expectations.  Because I think I can do it better, and I think that their schedule is asking for shit when mine gives you perfection.  Yeah, I take a lot longer to get it completed, but when it's complete, it looks amazing.

But that's only if I want to do it.  If I don't...it's complete crap either way.  Which is why I've been taking almost a decade to graduate with probably one of the shittiest undergrad degrees you can get.  Other than fighting the fact that I'm not an academic bookworm, I just don't work with other people's schedules.  I get things done on my time or they don't get done.

That doesn't mean it makes it right.  I should be able to complete projects when they are due, turn in assignments on time, turn in something that isn't a failing grade, but I simply can't.  I've tried.  I've made to-do lists, set alarms to get up on time to get it all done, cleared my schedule to make it all happen, made appointments with people-and it doesn't happen.  Instead I end up doing other things, like laundry, going to the bank, filing my taxes, cleaning my house, taking a shower, etc.  Somehow my productive mind goes haywire and I get things done, but the things that require a time period of completion are left in the dust.  The reality of it all upsets me to no end, and I take it out on myself.  I throw tantrums screaming "I'm stupid and a failure" and argue with anyone who says otherwise.

I cease to see a point in doing anything because I'm never going to get a job in this economy doing anything I love because you can't make money as an artist and you have to be a yuppy pretentious hipster to get a decent job with any design firm, not to mention anything that will give you a 401k and health insurance.  I don't know how to be an adult, and school is definitely not showing me how.  I'm surrounded by dorm room teenagers who have their parents paying for everything. I don't relate to anyone anymore because I'm not an adult and I'm not a child.  I'm some weird separate thing that has all the responsibilities of an adult but all the resources of a student.  And I hate it.

What's the most frustrating is having people tell me that many other students go through what I'm going through.  And that's a load of bullshit.  Everyone is younger than me, everyone has their parents to help, they aren't living in a situation that legally is so scary and stressful and limiting that I have to be careful about everything.  I can't be honest with anyone because they'll judge me, they're unable to relate, or they can't help even if I do tell them what's up.  The last thing I want to do is be honest with someone and it not make a damn bit of a difference in the end.  If I open up about my life, I should get some kind of help or leeway or compassion, but that's not realistic.  I'm not here for sympathy or a handout.  I'm here because I have nothing else to do.  I feel trapped in my own life a lot of the time because I'm not where I want to be, but I can't get there either.  It's like it doesn't exist.