A Love Letter To...

My friends!  I will not name names, but I need to get some things off my chest, and it's become way too hard to call each and everyone up and let them know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  I've been having one of those moments where all I want is to be around all my friends at once and just share in good moments together.  Granted, this is not a shout out to all of my friends, but just a couple with whom I can't seem to get a hold of lately.

To my oldest friend ever: I love you.  I love that we are so much alike, but have gone in two totally separate paths in life, each one leading to our own happiness.  Seeing you so happy and fulfilled with a family of your own makes me miss you so much that I wish I could go back in time where I would spend the day at your house playing in your pool, or running around in my back yard playing with My Little Ponies or making little cottages in the woods.  That kind of bonding is something I cherish and will never forget.  But I know we're both adults now and I want more than anything to have grown up memories together of just the two of us kicking back and basking in the happiness we've created for ourselves.  I always consider you to be a sort of step sister and miss having that connection aside from all the responsibilities we've created for ourselves.

To my best friend with whom I basically now share an online relationship with: I love you!  I know we both consider ourselves to be horrible friends by not returning phone calls or texts, but we both understand that our lives are anything but easy and I think that understanding is what makes our friendship so easy.  I wish wish wish you lived closer to me, but I don't really see that being possible since cold weather is not your friend.  But I always enjoy spending time together and having our own humor as to what's going on in the world around us.  You make me proud for all you've gone through, and I wish I could just give you a giant hug whenever I think of you!!

To my bestest best friend: You basically made my month of October by coming up here to spend time with me.  You inspire the boyfriend, you inspire me, and you are nothing short of humble about it.  You need to seriously just move up here and get it over with, because both of our lives will be that much happier.  Really I should just text you right now, but I'm feeling lazy.  When I come home next we will have more adventures together.  Love you.

Till the next time, feel the love people!

All Hallow's Eve

I have an hierarchy of favorite holidays.  My first and foremost is Independence Day.  I love my country, but I love more that 4th of July is the least stressful holiday to celebrate.  It's bbq, alcohol and fire.  Good times and good people and simplicity.  Halloween is second.  Why?  Because it's a night of debauchery that throws out the rule book of societal morays and allows people to do the one thing we all loved as kids: playing dress up and pretending we are someone else for one night.  All the problems, stress, hurt, pain, etc. are all forgotten for one night.  It's kind of a Cinderella holiday where we put on the magical outfit that transforms our world for a night of magic and happiness.

Like all things I do, I do Halloween right.  This takes years of practice and skill and creativity, but each year I've participated, I've had some really positive memories and looks come out of it.  I'm not one to repeat costumes, because that's totally cheating myself creatively.  I am one to push myself to the limit though, and when it comes to dress up, I go big or go home.  This year was no exception.

No, I did not shave off my eyebrows.  This is a Chola.  A.K.A. female Mexican gangster.  And I was so impressed at how well this came out.  I scared my boyfriend.  My best friend said I was able to make myself unattractive.  I think I looked awesome.  Usually I try to go for more sex appeal, but this look was so fun to do that I didn't care about being sexy.  I do know that the real Mexicans I saw that night were checking me out, and that in itself was hilarious.  Plus this was my first Halloween where I didn't wear heels.  Weird concept, but I did not skimp any details.

I hope everyone had fun and made great memories this weekend.  I'm hoping Halloween day I can take my dog trick or treating.  Candy corn and Mexican gang signs!

Work, School and Play

After the excitement of this past weekend, life has gone back to a puzzle of mundane tasks.  Still have things I need to work on, still in school, still have my job and day to day bullshit, except now it's just cold all the time.  I think I need an adventure.

Oh wait, Halloween is this weekend.  Nevermind.

I'm only going to be able to celebrate Halloween this Saturday, and possibly on actual Halloween if there's anywhere celebrating at night.  And here's a taste of what the public will see this weekend:

 Except way more awesome, because it's me.

I will be doing the ghetto fake nail art, gluing down my eyebrows and doing the fake "sharpie" eyebrows (not really though, I'mma use some actual makeup tricks for that), the eyeliner lipliner, and having someone draw on some fake tattoos.  I'm pretty excited to see how awesomely hardcore this will turn out.  My only worry is time, since I'm working till 9 and the place I'm trying to get into starts charging cover at 10.  Maybe my costume will persuade people to let me in cuz I'll look too legit.  Or watch me get kicked out.  Hahaha, that'd be a story to tell!

Can't Remember the Last Time that I...

Actually stayed home from work because I was ill!!  The weather change seemed to do a flip on my immune system.  I went to bed last night with a cough and today it's been pretty much the same.  Must think liquids-water and broth and tea.

It's always when I'm down for the count that reality seems to try and hit me from all sides.  The boyfriend's dad is not doing better, despite treatment and being in the hospital.  I'm not sure what to do.  I hate praying and the only response I feel I get out of that is either silence or the opposite of good news.  I don't want to give up hope because I have a bad vibe off something.

Not to mention school is getting so hard to fit into my schedule.  Or just real life.  I'm constantly trying to get things accomplished for me, but the only thing getting accomplished is me being late for everything.  I just get so tired, so bogged down by having a dirty house, unfinished tasks for school and work, that I am completely overwhelmed.  I can't depend on others to get things done, but I'm left with only the choice of leaving the responsibility to someone else.  And it doesn't get completed, it doesn't get accomplished or it's not successful.  I feel as though what everyone wants for me doesn't work for me most days.

And the sad thing is the root of all this is money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending crap loads of money that's not even mine, to make money.

I need a hero.

Dropping Out

Where do you draw the line that your current job is getting your more places than your college education?  For years I've been analyzing this and coming up with "Well, if you want to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or in a specific line of work, a college degree guarantees you'll have a dope paying job with a 401k and benefits out the ass."  But I don't want to be a lawyer, doctor, engineer, or anything that has to do with math.  Also having a cubicle sounds like living in a prison from 9-5.  Yuck.

I see where degrees and licenses are significant, but for what I want to do, I don't really know of any schooling or degrees or certifications that apply to me.

I don't want to quit or give up though.  Just right now, professionally what I've got going on is paying off more than going to classes and playing the pass/fail game.  LAME.

So now it's time for phone calls to be made, appointments to set up, counselors of all backgrounds to talk to, as well as working on this business.  This shit is growing like a parasite in my daily life and I'm like, WHOA!!!!!  Except not entirely.  I'm just finding out more and more that I've got a lot to get done still and a lot of stuff to sort through and figure out.  In the end I know it'll all make everyone happy, well not EVERYONE, but those that matter most will be happy, and that's always good.

Most Days are Good

I hate to think I'm a disappointment because I'm seriously considering just sticking to the two careers I've created for myself in the past 6 months, because that means this bachelor's degree is not going anywhere anytime soon...but it's not really all that necessary with what I've got going on now.

Not gonna put all my eggs in one basket though.  I like to keep my bases covered.

Lately I've had so much shit I've got to accomplish before I can put all my focus on what I'd really like to do right now.  Which is draw my own types of drawings (i.e. stuff I can legit just sell on etsy or some shit, or just put up in art fairs, whatever), and going back to making clothes.  Why?  Because I hate shopping, and I hate not having what I want available to me at something other than insanely ridiculously expensive.  Plus I miss that part of designing.  I like to think I have what it takes to be successful in the fashion business, but then again, I'm always second guessing myself.  I just want people to wear my stuff and for others to recognize it.

But none of that can really happen till I get my home life straightened out.  Like selling this damn futon.  And getting a kitchen table and chairs that doesn't look like crap.  And having a clean house with everything one really needs (i.e. toilet paper).  Not that I can't afford it, that's not the issue.  Finding a place that's convenient that's open when I'm available to get this crap is.

Also why am I always at work during dinner?  Last semester I was home every night cooking and now I'm never home and all I've been eating is fast food.  I can't afford this, but taking 30 minutes to make dinner usually exhausts me just thinking about it.  Grocery shopping feels like a pain because of all the shit I gotta pick out.  I feel like I have more important things to do, like work or taking my dog to the dog park, or cleaning my room, or going to the bank.

Also, I hate fucking banks.  Charging me money to carry a debit card?  What the fuck kind of shit is this?  The only way to make sure shit goes smoothly is to go in personally and have an hour and a half conversation with a personal banker because otherwise they screw up your whole account(s) with them.  I hate money, I've never been happy with it or without it because something always goes awry and I end up having to pay out the nose for it.

I will say this though.  The days I have the energy to just do things I need and/or want and I get them accomplished, I feel fucking fabulous.  Although I didn't do anything one would normally think I should do, I got a lot of stuff accomplished, and I still have time to make a super long blog.  I have a clean car, a dirty and super tired dog (obviously he'll be getting a bath later), and more checked off stuff from my to-do list for my job.

I guess success depends on what you measure.

Watching my Life from Behind a Curtain

I look at my life and I see equal parts leading and equal parts following.  Socially, I like to think I'm a leader, but most of the time I feel like I'm just following along.  And let's be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with life most days.  I'm usually just following the lead or example of someone else and mimicking them.  I wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school, and mimic people.  I listen to my ipod because everyone else does.  I drive fast because everyone else does.  I keep up with personal hygiene because everyone else does.  And so forth.

Lately I've been asking myself, what am I actually supposed to be doing?  Like, am I really supposed to work like this, eat like this, party like this, have friendships like this?  Or should I be doing something else entirely?  How do you know you're doing the right thing?

The boy really hit it on the head last night when he told my my dad brought me up to believe that nothing I ever accomplished or did was good enough.  I've been programmed to believe that I'm never succeeding, I'm never satisfied with what I've done so far, because there's always room for improvement.  Yes, I can see how that is helpful because it gives you a good drive, but there's a line between continued success and never feeling like you've reached it.  I don't see a point in celebrations or pats on the back when my entire life I've always been told "That's nice, but why didn't you do this?  This is so much better and effective than what you just did, regardless of how much time and effort you put into it."

But yet, here I am, moving up the corporate ladder at my day job, starting my own business outside of said job, making extremely good connections with local big wigs, but I'm more concerned about making sure my dog is bathed and fed, my house isn't a disaster, and that everything is organized and streamlined.  My priorities are that messed up and I can't find a way to sort them out.

I do best when I get acknowledgement for my skills, and lately I feel like I've been just wading in murky water.  I don't know where I stand with anything I'm trying to do, and I don't know where I should be with my skill set.  I feel entirely lost and confused when it comes to making my life work.