Budgeting is Hard!

I understand that I'm now in the working world as far as my job is concerned, but I really can't seem to understand how anyone is able to afford their lifestyle anymore.  Especially my generation.  My basic (excluding food and gas) monthly budget expenses are around $1200 a month, which I think is relatively LOW considering I don't go out as much as I used, I hardly travel and I don't have time to go shopping for pretty much anything.  My money towards bills is about 90% of my income.  That being said, I have a good paying job, a solid paying one.  I don't depend on my parents for help, or anyone else.  But how the hell am I supposed to afford living and not just surviving?!


This has puzzled me for the past couple of years, and all I can conclude is that everyone depends on family, credit cards, and loans to help sustain them.  But they are just delaying the inevitable.  No one is ever going to be able to pay off all that debt.  No one.  Their parents can't even foot the bill.  So how do people do it and keep themselves above water?

I'd like to see some solid answers.  Because I can't figure anything legal to keep yourself out of debt.

I find it sad that the number one reason I'm not even getting married is because I can't afford a wedding on my own and neither my parents nor possible in-laws could foot the bill.  Then I hear that people are just waiting until they're older to get hitched, and my thought is "why would you wait to spend the rest of your life with someone when you are pretty much married anyway?"  I know that parents have been horrified knowing their children are moving in with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but what's more horrifying to me is seeing people MOVE BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS.  I understand times are tough, but good LORD that is not okay with me.  I'd rather swallow anti-freeze than do that.

I'm starting to see this reversal in my generation that is showing people unwilling to become financially independent and the parents enabling their children until the cows come home.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think that people feel like their parents owe them in some way.  I wish I was making 3 times the amount I make a week in salary because then I'd send a third of that back home each week.  Why?  Because my parents work too hard and put up with a lot of shit from me over the years.  The least I can do is give them a cushion to alleviate some form of financial stress.  But I don't make that much.  I don't know how long I'll even have this job because of this economy just failing all over itself every day.  The world should just hurry up and end so I can start clean again.  I'm always wanting to do a project and at least that will give me an excuse to say "screw it all" and start fresh.

Goodness Gracious!

I've done it again...I zebra-ed my bathroom!!  The boyfriend and I were running errands last night and in a spontaneous bust of Target fever (that's when you blow lots of money at Target when you get inspired by their CUTE STUFF), decided to put zebra print in the bathroom.  So now I went from chocolate brown adult boring bathroom to "potty party".  It actually brightens up the tiny space a lot, which is good since it makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland when she grows too big for the house every time I'm in there.

And now I've got a mini fire under my butt to finish putting together the rest of my home.  Next is my bedroom. I figure it's time to get things organized and looking cleaned up since I've been living there for nearly 3 months.  Maybe for New Year's I can finally get a housewarming party put together.  Maybe.  Depends if anyone is in town.

Oh and it has finally happened.  I've joined Etsy.com and I do plan on finally making my own shit and putting it out there.  I figure this is a fun trial run to see if people would actually buy my designs and how successful that could be.  If it works out, the I'm on the road to being a billionaire (probably not exactly); if not....well it was a good run and now I'm out of a dream job and onto something a little more realistic, which includes a lot of soul searching.  These alternate jobs may include but aren't limited to:

1. Personal shopper (Sometimes I can't believe this is actually a job.  Seriously?)
2. Magazine entrepreneur (been thinking about this one since I subscribed to Nylon)
3. Corporate busybody (although that would probably only last temporarily)
4. Personal stylist (again, how is this even a job?)
5. And if all else fails, I can always just do daycare for a living.  Or something equally as pathetically easy.  Seriously, certification and nothing else?  Cakewalk.

Deep Thoughts...

I seem to have a problem with confrontation, only in the sense when I have to enlighten someone else to what is going on or what needs to happen.  I'm not terrified of what they'll say or how they'll react, if anything, I'm just anxious to actually be in the situation at all because I get extremely defensive and I don't want to say or do something that will get me in trouble.  So essentially, I'm terrified of getting into trouble.  I've always had ways of getting around it, but every now and then I deal with something unpleasant and I tend to snap or insult someone and burn a bridge or two.  I realize I have a really bad mean streak in me, but I shy away from situations where it can be brought out because I don't know how to control it.  I know that's dangerous, but while I figure out a way to get a hold of myself, I just avoid those situations to begin with.  I don't like picking fights, but I will never back down from one.

That being said, everyone has flaws.  Whether it's anger, emotions, addiction, self image, self confidence, physical, etc. we are all flawed in some way.  It's all a part of who we are, because people aren't perfect, and if they were, love wouldn't exist.  But some things need to be worked out because they may kill us, or prevent us from reaching what we truly desire.  I'll be the first to admit it's tough as shit to work out problems.  It becomes a lifestyle of reminding yourself that "No, I don't need a cupcake with every meal" "No, I don't need a drink" "No, getting high isn't going to make this all better" "Yes, I can do this" "I am beautiful/capable/better than that" and so on.  Having to consciously remind ourselves of who we are is important, because forgetting who you are and where you come from is like humanity's Achilles Heal.

 I like when they say time heals everything, because healing takes time.  It is a process, so the things you do during the time is actually what heals you, not waiting for a magical timer to go off saying "You're cured!".   Actually I think growing up is what helps us get over the fact that someone broke our heart, hurt us, mistakes we made, things we don't like about ourselves, and how to be the best version of our flawed selves.  But no one likes hearing "Grow up!", instead a kind phrase like "time heals everything" makes it sound like we aren't the ones who fucked up, we are just a part of a greater whole, and so we feel safe and secure in our decisions.

My biggest issue at my age is the fact that people are done growing up, now my peers and I are all growing older.  People are starting families, getting married, becoming homeowners, having real jobs, or just being victims of this crap economy and working minimum wage.  This means no more excuses for excessive laziness, lack of responsibility, accountability, etc.  Time to man up and start taking care of yourself like your mom used to.  I am not one to have a routine down for my mornings and evenings, but nothing has been telling me I should start like aging.  I don't mean getting old, because I still think I'm a ways off from that reality, but aging as in like, going a day without washing your face makes your skin dry and icky, or not showering takes a toll on your hair and it doesn't shine like it wants to.  I'm trying to figure out how to get the self discipline to actually take good care of myself daily.  Thinking about the ways has made me come to the conclusion that in order to really even give that much a shit about myself means I must be obsessed with looking good constantly, or that I have to develop some kind of insecurity with not being totally cared for.  Like I should be high maintenance about my health.  But that's so exhausting that I'd rather just skip.  So now I'm trying to figure out a way to prioritize that into my life, along with everything else.  I'm realizing more and more the things we value define who we are as a person.  Things we value now, or decisions we make now, have major effects on our lives in the future.  It's just insane to think of what kind of old(er) person I'm going to be.

A Love Letter To...

My friends!  I will not name names, but I need to get some things off my chest, and it's become way too hard to call each and everyone up and let them know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  I've been having one of those moments where all I want is to be around all my friends at once and just share in good moments together.  Granted, this is not a shout out to all of my friends, but just a couple with whom I can't seem to get a hold of lately.

To my oldest friend ever: I love you.  I love that we are so much alike, but have gone in two totally separate paths in life, each one leading to our own happiness.  Seeing you so happy and fulfilled with a family of your own makes me miss you so much that I wish I could go back in time where I would spend the day at your house playing in your pool, or running around in my back yard playing with My Little Ponies or making little cottages in the woods.  That kind of bonding is something I cherish and will never forget.  But I know we're both adults now and I want more than anything to have grown up memories together of just the two of us kicking back and basking in the happiness we've created for ourselves.  I always consider you to be a sort of step sister and miss having that connection aside from all the responsibilities we've created for ourselves.

To my best friend with whom I basically now share an online relationship with: I love you!  I know we both consider ourselves to be horrible friends by not returning phone calls or texts, but we both understand that our lives are anything but easy and I think that understanding is what makes our friendship so easy.  I wish wish wish you lived closer to me, but I don't really see that being possible since cold weather is not your friend.  But I always enjoy spending time together and having our own humor as to what's going on in the world around us.  You make me proud for all you've gone through, and I wish I could just give you a giant hug whenever I think of you!!

To my bestest best friend: You basically made my month of October by coming up here to spend time with me.  You inspire the boyfriend, you inspire me, and you are nothing short of humble about it.  You need to seriously just move up here and get it over with, because both of our lives will be that much happier.  Really I should just text you right now, but I'm feeling lazy.  When I come home next we will have more adventures together.  Love you.

Till the next time, feel the love people!

All Hallow's Eve

I have an hierarchy of favorite holidays.  My first and foremost is Independence Day.  I love my country, but I love more that 4th of July is the least stressful holiday to celebrate.  It's bbq, alcohol and fire.  Good times and good people and simplicity.  Halloween is second.  Why?  Because it's a night of debauchery that throws out the rule book of societal morays and allows people to do the one thing we all loved as kids: playing dress up and pretending we are someone else for one night.  All the problems, stress, hurt, pain, etc. are all forgotten for one night.  It's kind of a Cinderella holiday where we put on the magical outfit that transforms our world for a night of magic and happiness.

Like all things I do, I do Halloween right.  This takes years of practice and skill and creativity, but each year I've participated, I've had some really positive memories and looks come out of it.  I'm not one to repeat costumes, because that's totally cheating myself creatively.  I am one to push myself to the limit though, and when it comes to dress up, I go big or go home.  This year was no exception.

No, I did not shave off my eyebrows.  This is a Chola.  A.K.A. female Mexican gangster.  And I was so impressed at how well this came out.  I scared my boyfriend.  My best friend said I was able to make myself unattractive.  I think I looked awesome.  Usually I try to go for more sex appeal, but this look was so fun to do that I didn't care about being sexy.  I do know that the real Mexicans I saw that night were checking me out, and that in itself was hilarious.  Plus this was my first Halloween where I didn't wear heels.  Weird concept, but I did not skimp any details.

I hope everyone had fun and made great memories this weekend.  I'm hoping Halloween day I can take my dog trick or treating.  Candy corn and Mexican gang signs!

Work, School and Play

After the excitement of this past weekend, life has gone back to a puzzle of mundane tasks.  Still have things I need to work on, still in school, still have my job and day to day bullshit, except now it's just cold all the time.  I think I need an adventure.

Oh wait, Halloween is this weekend.  Nevermind.

I'm only going to be able to celebrate Halloween this Saturday, and possibly on actual Halloween if there's anywhere celebrating at night.  And here's a taste of what the public will see this weekend:

 Except way more awesome, because it's me.

I will be doing the ghetto fake nail art, gluing down my eyebrows and doing the fake "sharpie" eyebrows (not really though, I'mma use some actual makeup tricks for that), the eyeliner lipliner, and having someone draw on some fake tattoos.  I'm pretty excited to see how awesomely hardcore this will turn out.  My only worry is time, since I'm working till 9 and the place I'm trying to get into starts charging cover at 10.  Maybe my costume will persuade people to let me in cuz I'll look too legit.  Or watch me get kicked out.  Hahaha, that'd be a story to tell!

Can't Remember the Last Time that I...

Actually stayed home from work because I was ill!!  The weather change seemed to do a flip on my immune system.  I went to bed last night with a cough and today it's been pretty much the same.  Must think liquids-water and broth and tea.

It's always when I'm down for the count that reality seems to try and hit me from all sides.  The boyfriend's dad is not doing better, despite treatment and being in the hospital.  I'm not sure what to do.  I hate praying and the only response I feel I get out of that is either silence or the opposite of good news.  I don't want to give up hope because I have a bad vibe off something.

Not to mention school is getting so hard to fit into my schedule.  Or just real life.  I'm constantly trying to get things accomplished for me, but the only thing getting accomplished is me being late for everything.  I just get so tired, so bogged down by having a dirty house, unfinished tasks for school and work, that I am completely overwhelmed.  I can't depend on others to get things done, but I'm left with only the choice of leaving the responsibility to someone else.  And it doesn't get completed, it doesn't get accomplished or it's not successful.  I feel as though what everyone wants for me doesn't work for me most days.

And the sad thing is the root of all this is money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending money to make money.  I'm spending crap loads of money that's not even mine, to make money.

I need a hero.