Don't Walk in my Shoes. You Might Kill Yourself.

So there is obviously a giant chunk of time in between postings here.  I went off the grid for about a year and it's been slow reconnecting to my online parts since then.  2012 ended up being the worst year of my life.  Actually, ever since turning 25 my life has kind of taken a really horrible rip tide south and I'm in the thick of it trying to climb back on top.  It hasn't been fun, I'm in no good place by all means, but I'm trying my damndest to feel like I'm where I should be in my life.  Christ, I'm 27, I should probably act like it.


After my father-in-law passed away I went to a really ugly place.  I pushed people away, took a really scary dip into depression, considered institutionalizing myself (seriously), and then got slapped in the face that because of my antics I was actually in danger of losing everything.  So I did what any other twenty something does when they are facing a life crisis-they call their parents.  My relationship was put on hold and I went "home" (I use that term loosely) to get better.  I went to the doctor, started seeing a therapist, and basically spent time with my family to try and work shit out.  You would think I would have started going on the up and up after 2 months of that, but instead I took a sharp left and ended up in yet another situation entirely.

Turns out all the abuse I experienced as a teenager came back gradually and suddenly.  I was working things out with my relationship, but my family life was in the toilet and actually starting to scare me.  I would lash out at my mom and my dad in ways I didn't even knew I could and had a horrible falling out with my sister.  I don't know what happened to her, but it's like ever since she left high school she's turned into a disgusting bitch who just sucks joy out of everything.  Maybe it's because she's started dating, maybe it's because of the pressures of living at home and not having me there anymore, but holy shit, that girl is fucking crazy and mean.  I don't understand for the life of me why she has to hate on me as hard as she does, but it hurts.  We used to be partners in crime and now she wants to make sure people NEVER EVER confuse us.  It's now all a competition.  Who's aging better, who's more successful, who has the better boyfriend/living situation/car/lifestyle/friends/clothes/etc.  I didn't know it was like that until she decided she had nothing good to say about my relationship and felt like she could have a loose mouth about it in front of me.  But God forbid I speak my mind about any of her life choices.  What's worse is that whenever I have tried to confide in her and not be judged, she now openly and insultingly judges me.  I don't know why she thinks that's okay, but she's done it so often that I've just given up even trying to talk to her about anything.

My boyfriend, after having a solid and promising job after my leave of absence, took a few days off in order to come and rescue me from my family.  Literally.  And also mediated some kind of makeup so that I didn't burn any bridges.  He put a lot at risk just to do that, but once I returned, things were in an astoundingly MUCH better place.  I was still getting therapy and sorting out the home life.  Things were actually great.

Until it all fell apart.

And that's when I went off the grid.  And legal components happened.  I won't post the details on here since it's an open case still, but it involved my boyfriend and it was scary and I lost EVERYTHING.  I lost my home, my possessions, my car, everything.  The guy rooming with us stole everything of value, and also some weird things (like my lingerie-seriously?).  I took whatever I was able to salvage to my parents, but that's when things hit a tipping point and I walked out of their house and left literally all that was left but the clothes on my back and my dog in December.

For a month I slept on the floor of a dirty bar/club with my dog.  Then a week at some random drug dealer's basement on a leaky air mattress.  Then I thought I had reached salvation when one of my best friends invited me to her home in Myrtle Beach.

I also was given an annuity pay out from my late grandfather. It all seemed like God was telling me this was my ticket to start over, explore my options and settle in to something.  Boy, did I fuck that up.  I was stupid and thought I should really help out my friend since she opened her home to me.  She and her husband have three kids, so I fed them.  And groceries down south are NOT cheap.  My lord, her grocery bill was like $600 for maybe 3 weeks.  But I also took the time to buy a bed, little furniture pieces, and home items for when I was on my own.

But the biggest part was paying out the ass to get her and her family a house to rent and fronting the down payment on that.  Which was almost 4 grand.  I was still seeing my therapist doing phone appointments, but when the money started to run out, I stopped seeing her.  She wasn't helping at that point and the legal situation with my boyfriend always following me, so I just let things die.  That was a bad idea.  Since I lost the car I needed a ride to work which was about a 20 minute commute.  My friend was no longer my friend and nickel and diming me for absolutely everything she and her husband could think of.  Need a ride to work?  $20.  Every time. It wasn't until after the disaster of my birthday party that I finally left, but not with being ripped off about $500.

I ended up in a crack home bungalow neighborhood for about 3 weeks following that.  The only thing I had going for me was my job and living a block from the ocean.  It was around that time I became pregnant.  Yes, I realize in the middle of my living circumstances you are screaming, what the fuck were you thinking?!  But it was planned.  My boyfriend was in the middle off all this doing what he could to make everything right.  And I don't regret it.  I regret a bunch of other things, but they can't be changed.  I ended up getting evicted by the piece of shit running the crack hole and he stole everything I owned.  Almost lost my dog in all that too.

The night of all that business (which was also scary and the police department completely fucked me in that situation) one of the girls living there decided to leave and invited me to come and stay with her in Charlotte because she had a house there.  We get there and the house is INFESTED with fleas.  My poor dog had them.  I got them.  I ended up meeting one decent person there who took in my dog and said he was safe there until I got my shit together.  Sadly he has been with her for almost a year.  I want him back more than anything, but I still have no where I can put him.  I was in North Caroline for about a month until legal situation with my boyfriend came to a head and he was arrested.  I was terrified and quickly realized I was completely alone, with no money and nowhere to go.

I called one of my cousins in the Chicago area and explained the whole situation.  She promptly bought me a bus ticket for the next greyhound to her and I was spending my last night saying goodbye to my dog and crying my soul out.  All my belongings fit into a medium sized box.  I stayed with my cousin and her family for about a month.  During that time her husband got me a job serving at a country club.  The club was decent and even offered housing for employees.  I took it since I wore out my welcome at my cousin's and didn't have my own transportation.  And I lived in a teeny tiny room with cable and shit wi-fi until I was 8 1/12 months pregnant.  My boyfriend was in prison waiting on more legal stuff during all this.

Once I was told I would need to get a place once I had my baby I was scrambling to try and find an apartment I could afford.  Sadly, I can't afford the suburbs of north Chicagoland on a server's wage.  As a last resort I ended up in a maternity home about 20 minutes away from my job.  It was nice to have a place where I was cared for and safe.  But I wasn't bettering myself.  I was basically playing the dependent again.  I don't regret for one second staying there though.  I met some really wonderful and truly blessed women who I will know for the rest of my life.  They are all so special and dear to me.  I miss them all so much.

I went into labor the morning I was scheduled to be induced.  I was 2 weeks over due.  There was a blizzard.  I didn't go to the hospital until my induction appointment anyway since nothing seemed to be progressing.  I hardly got any sleep.  I tried to keep energy by eating fruits and carbs and sat in the tub to try and speed up my labor.  I watched a lot of Dexter.  It wasn't until I got to the hospital that I couldn't focus on watching t.v.  I tried walking the halls and doing all the techniques they teach you to try and open things up, but it wasn't really changing.  I was told to sleep around midnight to let them monitor my contractions.  I woke up around 3 a.m. and was told I would need a small dose of pitocin since nothing was progressing and I had been in this situation for about 24 hours.  So at 4 a.m. that was given to me and I walked the halls again.  It was magic.  Suddenly things were moving along.  It wasn't getting more painful, just closer together.  I labored in the shower after that but the water wouldn't stay one temperature.  So I was burning and freezing my back while trying to breathe through contractions for an hour before I asked to labor in the tub.  Well that took another hour to prepare.  Once I got into the tub I felt much better, but I was getting tired.  I hadn't peed in hours and they wanted me to try and pee.  At that point I was so tired I was passing out after each contraction.  I didn't have enough energy to get out of the tub to pee.  So I peed in the tub.  And then my water broke.  Things kicked into high gear after that.  I stood up and lots of stuff started coming out of me.  I couldn't see because they dimmed the lights in the room.  Time escaped me.  I had to push like you wouldn't believe.  I thought I was going to shit on the floor the urge to push was so intense.  I got out of the tub and laid on the bed trying not to go crazy during each contraction since I was basically trying to hold it in.  Which didn't happen.  I was fighting so hard not to lose my mind, so I focused on breathing techniques that helped me not want to freak the fuck out.  I was then encouraged to push and suddenly I was told that pushing was happening really really fast and to try and push during every other contraction.  I was so exhausted at that point I just kept my eyes closed during contractions and only opened them in between.  Pushing felt like what I would assume constipation is.  The strangest feeling was feeling the limbs slip out of me.  It all happened so fast once the head was out.  I had a son at 2:22 p.m.  He was perfect.  He came out screaming.  He was healthy. He is my only reason to live.

I didn't go back to work at the country club after giving birth.  I wasn't getting the hours I was promised and I didn't want to be stuck in a job I didn't see myself doing long term.  At this point the woman looking after my dog was trying to get me to move back down there and stay with her because she had a management job at her company for me.  That fell through.  Not the job.  Everything else.  I got in touch with an old friend one weekend and after catching up she opened her home to me and my son until my boyfriend's situation was settled and I was able to get on my feet standing firm.  I moved in with her in April.  And I've been with her ever since.

As much as I've written, there's a million and one details I've left out.  Mostly because I can't legally post it, but also because I can't even remember the time line for everything.  Motherhood has redirected my whole life.  It is literally all about my son.  What can I do in order to provide for him how I see fit?  What can I do in order to maximize our relationship?  Because I love him so much, and he is changing every single day and I don't want to miss out on any of it.  I miss him if he's napped longer than an hour. I'm still broke as shit because I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to repair my credit.  I should have bought a car months ago, but instead I've had to pay off so many debts and also provide for my family since I'm still at the bottom with nothing. 

So I may not have a job, a place of my own, reliable transportation, or even my own furnishings, hell, even my dog, but my son has clothes on his back, a bed to sleep in (crib, really), and a full belly.  Much of the legal situation has my long term goals in limbo since I've learned that legal situations can literally upend everything you've worked so damn hard for in seconds.  I'm a lot more timid about going out and getting mine.  I don't open up to people about my life since it's become so hard to even look back on in the past couple of years.  Some of it was my doing, some of it wasn't.  The parts that weren't my doing make me so angry and hurt that I can't think about it without getting upset.  The parts that were make me feel so guilty and ashamed that I convince myself I do deserve to be living like this.  But I don't.  No one does.  Either way, making friends is weird and difficult because I've also lost so many.  One of my best friends told me how disappointed he was when I announced I was pregnant.  Like I was a teen mom or something.  He actually thought I threw my life away.  It's messed up that someone you've known since you were 12 finds it disgusting and sad that you decided to become a mother at the age of 26.  Granted, my life was in shambles at the time, but with everything that happened after I quit my job at the boutique in the beginning of 2012, I wanted to be a mom more than anything at that point in my life.

I can't expect anyone to understand why I chose to stand by my boyfriend in all the messed up legal shit he's gotten himself into.  Everyone is different, every relationship is different.  Despite all the mistakes he's made (and they've been big), he admits them, but also supports me when no one else does.  He gets why I feel the way I do about trying to fix my life.  He's also there to try and give me the emotional backing I need to even get through the day.  We are a team, and he does what he can to help me solve the problems.  It kills him he only has met his son in photographs and heard him squealing or crying in the background since putting him on speakerphone puts the calls at risk of getting disconnected.  He is always wanting to know everything that goes on in our lives.  He is cooperating with helping me out financially and is very concerned about my lack of independence.  It doesn't help that my parents are not in my life or my son's.  The former is their decision, the latter mine.  I recently got back in touch with them to try and work things out, to try and form a new dialogue that wasn't abusive and spiteful, but instead they only want to say mean and untrue things about my boyfriend.  Frankly it's insulting because his whole legal situation is being taken care of and he never did anything to them personally to fuck them over in any way.  I'm sure they don't see it that way, but their views on reality are pretty messed up.  I would know, my therapist met them and told me firsthand how fucked up they were.  It's also unnerving that they are more concerned about bashing him than actually repairing a relationship with me.  Like I'm not an individual to them anymore.

I'm back trying to find a therapist who's not in it for my money or just wanting to pity me and my sad stories about my life.  I no longer have the rage I once did, but now this new thing called anxiety is ruining my life.  I'm still trying to find a job that will pay me a decent enough wage so I can continue to fix my credit and buy a car that won't fall apart in a year.  I am waiting to hear what the actual release date for my boyfriend will be.  It's getting wrapped up soon, but court dates are constantly being changed.  I haven't seen him since his arrest.  It's strange to think we've been together for nearly 4 1/2 years.  Our relationship is not perfect by any means.  There are boatloads of issues he will be required to work through with me in counseling once he's released, as well as a lot of financial things to repair as a couple.

What gets me the most looking back at all this is that I still have no clue what the hell I want to do with my life.  I know I want to have more children in the future.  I love being a mom.  I love that I can make people who look annoying adorable and enjoy all the parts no one else really knows about until they become a parent too.  But as far as careers go...I have no idea how to get to where I want to be.  I've always loved making clothes and part of me still wants to do that.  But I also love creating art.  I mean, I went to school for it, I should put that experience to work for me too.  I also write a shit ton too, but I hardly think anyone enjoys reading it.  I used to write terrible fan fiction when I was younger and now I just go on here to put my thoughts into words.  I still find myself wanting to be a part of the fashion industry, whether it be working in the design department or the art department or the marketing/advertising department.  I have so many ideas for things that are so out there but they just sit and rot on a shelf in my head.  I haven't found the opportunity to put myself out there and make it work for me.

At least I'm back on this.  And writing out my heart and soul so that everyone can binge on the mess that is my life and think, thank God I'm not her.  Fuck that bitch's life!!  Because honestly, I'd rather have the truth on here so people can openly hate on it instead of behind my back.  I'm much better at dealing with bullshit when I know where I stand in it all than having to constantly guess what the hell everyone is really thinking.  I've burned a lot of bridges trying to sort out myself, but the few I've built have been so much stronger that I can't even be mad at how many people I've burned.  Life happens.  It changes people.  But I don't hold it against others.  I'm just here admitting my life isn't awesome and instagram perfect but insane and one for the history books.  It's real and I'm living it.

Onto the Next One

So just after I made a really good update on things, I was delivered some very tragic news.  My boyfriend's father passed away about 2 weeks ago from cancer.  He had been diagnosed last October with lymphosarcoma.  My boyfriend and I had been trying to get time off to fly out and see his dad before he passed and with jobs and costs and not really having anywhere to stay it just never worked out in our favor.  But I know that things happen for a reason and even though he never got to reconnect with his dad, he still had a great relationship and good memories with him.

I'm not really sure what else to say about that, mostly because I don't feel like plastering all this crap about someone else's family and life on the internet.  But we did make it out to New York for the funeral and I got to meet everyone on that side of the family.  And that was really special.  I've never been so warmly welcomed and accepted into a family of someone I've been dating and I'm glad to know I've created some really special relationships there.

On the way back we stopped at my parents' for an extra day to visit with my family and my sister had just gotten back from being abroad in Ghana.  We shared a lot of stories about things and updated each other on our lives.  Also now I want an ipad so I can waste infinite hours playing Monopoly Hotels.

I'm back home now after nearly two weeks being gone and I feel completely lost.  Everything's changed and I'm not sure what direction to go in at this point.  There's been talk of moving again, talk of starting a family, talk of moving in an entirely different direction as far as careers go.  It's scary, but also exciting because I feel like just when I was convinced I needed time to sort things out about me, I've been given a very big shove to move forward.  So once I finish getting things unpacked and some phone calls made, I'll be having a long grown up conversation with the boyfriend about the future.  Nothing scary at this point, but just a way of drawing out a plan of action instead of telling each other "some day".  Time to grow up and get on it!

Back in the saddle

After nearly a 5 month hiatus I have finally returned to the blogging world.  There were a lot of reasons as to why I stopped but after this past month I've realized that those reasons just didn't hold up anymore.  I realize that I made this blog public because I figured that it would give people an insight most bloggers don't have nor share.  (e.g. not mommy blogs, food blogs, beauty blogs, craft blogs, nor comedy, etc.)  What I naively overlooked was the amount of people who would use this blog as a means of spying on me and what's going on in my life, ergo drawing their own conclusions about my personal life (which is not something I want plastered on the internet so I've gone about ways to make sure I don't post anything too personal on here).  I found out about the spying and negative words being passed around and complete lies being told about me, and at first I didn't mind because that's in human nature to gossip, but then it started affecting my family (most importantly my mom) and I didn't want to hurt her because of something I was doing.  That didn't seem fair to me because no one wants phone calls from people saying things that are entirely unfounded or untrue or even blown out of proportion.  Also, my parents live 3 states away from me, so any kind of correspondence we have is usually delayed by a day or two, so no I can't instantly inform them about everything going on in my life, much less things I don't think are significant to their lives in the first place.  I have the type of relationship with my parents that if it's important, you'll tell me.  If it impacts my life, you'll come forth and let me know first.  I realize that might be hard for some people to grasp based on their relationships with their parents, but for me the last thing I want to do is hurt their feelings.  They know I'm an adult and the things I do are my choices and I pay the consequences for my actions.  I can handle my life.  What no one needs is someone looking at a public blog and drawing their own conclusions based on those entries alone about a person and assuming they know what's up and then taking it upon themselves to inform my family about things that ultimately are untrue or skewed.  I don't appreciate having my family calling me at some random ass hour of the night asking me weird questions about what I did last weekend or if I'm dying or if I was in the hospital or something completely unfounded.  It's a waste of time, frankly, and doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, if you followed my blog on Facebook (which if that's the only way you read this blog you probably aren't even reading this), I deleted my Facebook account.  Mostly I just don't like people taking the liberty to spy on me and I also was tired of randoms friending me and then posting crap no one really cares about.  There's a lot of drawbacks at first, but I moved over to Google+ and I like it because it's more private and I only share things with people I trust to share information with.  For everything else there's Twitter, which I'm slowly getting the hang of.  Still kind of annoying though.

Anyway, I stopped avoiding the blogging world because I don't like feeling like I need to hide because of the negativity.  I don't write for that, I write for me and I've been wanting to post a blog since my last post. So I'm not afraid of what people say because if you can't say anything nice to me or about me or anyone, you probably shouldn't be talking in the first place.  I'm back now and hopefully I'll have more stuff to write about other than this.

So an update on what I've been doing aside from avoiding the internet is that I officially threw out the idea that I need a college degree and I need to graduate by x year or semester.  Also I ran out of financial aid (and to be honest you can't not work and be a full time student anymore-it's totally unrealistic).  Since I've stopped being a student I've been a lot happier not having that stress and worry in my life.  It's made me really look into what I want to do as far as a job goes.  I took this entire summer off from work and school as a way of me going back and sharpening my skill set entirely on my own.  By September I plan on applying for big people jobs and networking towards the industry I really want to get into.  This summer has been a kind of soul searching season and really opening myself up to the kinds of things I wish I could put on my resume or experience and I just never did because I had to work or I was in school.  Fortunately I'm with someone who can provide for the both of us and allow me to figure out what I'm really trying to do with my life right now.

Leading up to this point though, I've been through a lot.  And it hasn't been fun.  There's been a lot of strain on certain family members' deteriorating health, a couple scares and some sad realizations that they're not just adults anymore, they're getting old.  I won't go into detail because I know some of them want that to remain private and I respect their wishes.  But it's been hard and I've been trying to keep strong for others.  For me personally, I've had a lot of flack about not being in school, not finishing, but that has all been coming from people who don't want to let me be heard, who don't want to listen to what's really going on with me.  I find it very selfish and unfair as well as rude.  So I just don't listen to it.

One of the biggest things that's happened is I moved out of the city.  I don't entirely hate it because pretty much all of my friends moved away this spring (like out of state) and I wasn't in school anymore so it didn't make sense to be around a bunch of college hipsters.  I actually kind of felt like I was getting stuck in some weird pseudo-high school.  But I do miss uptown.  I miss being around so much activity and the lakes and just having the ability to go anywhere at nearly any time.  Everything shuts down by 9 in the suburbs and I am forever resentful for that.  Mostly because I'm a night owl and usually want to do things by 11 p.m.  But I like where I live and I like knowing this isn't forever.  In fact, with figuring out what exactly I want to do for a job, I'm fully willing to relocate to a bigger city.  I'm young, I don't have any liabilities keeping me from moving around or traveling, so I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of starting some place fresh.

I still can't believe how much has changed within 5 months, but I know that deep down this was meant to happen.  I've faced a lot of let down and disappointment, a lot of that just with myself and I've been spending the last 2 weeks just really trying to figure out what it is I need to be doing differently.  Life has shown me that there is no real happy ending because life is constantly changing and evolving.  I am constantly changing and evolving and adapting to change.  Because of that you can't just be happy with one way of living.  You gotta be able to live many different lifestyles suitable to the situations you find yourself in.  And those happen nearly every day for me.

Life is like a Game of Dodgeball

And you have none of the balls.  Also you have glasses.

Ah, but I digress.  This past month seems to have hit me upside down with new things, twists, and changes.  But they all seem to be for the better.  Still doing the school thing and still chuggin along with that.  Pretty soon summer will be here, but school has no rest.  Just gonna keep truckin till this year is over and I have that degree in my hands.

It's a good thing I'm enjoying all this, at least bits and pieces.  The transition of school full time and the boy working full time has been nothing short of chaotic, but we're learning.  I've become much more of a homebody with school and going out feels like a long distant memory.  However, with these changes has come many shortcomings financially.  And it seems to me that everyone is suffering.  But I know that this too shall pass because of the choices I've made and the choices the boy has made with me.  It's just going to be a really rough and grueling 3 weeks until things are in the clear.

Things are clearing up.  The weather here has been unbelievable.  I feel like I live in California or something.  There has been warmth and April/May type weather for the past 2 weeks now.  I'm waiting for it to go back to being cold though.

This new weather also has me doing some major spring cleaning, as well as planning for some well deserved upgrades.  Hopefully once the year is out I'll be on track with where I want to be financially and with my living situation, as well as my path in life.  I'm still young, but I'm at a pivotal point to where I won't be a student, I'll be a real world adult with nothing holding me back.  Maybe I'll even have a job lined up.  But I doubt that.

I still feel like this year has just started for me, and it's true to some extent since we're barely on our 4th month into the year.  Spring is making me feel like I have time to really reprioritize, reorganize, and really start fresh with things.  I like that feeling.  It's empowering, which I've needed for quite some time.  Having support and security really does make a difference when you're going through so much.

One Step Closer

Having graduation in the back of my mind has been a wonderful source of inspiration and determination to finish out 2012 with a bang.  It also has me really thinking about life after college.  And that's pretty soon.  I'm about 10 1/2 months away from holding a degree and billions of dollars of debt (not literally, but I'm sure it'll feel that way soon enough!).

It makes me wonder what I'm going to do with myself (non-careerwise) when I no longer have  to sign up for classes or have anything to do with school.  Am I gonna be living here still?  I hope not, but I also hope so.  I have no idea where I'll be ending up, but I know that I'll want to be around my friends, possibly family, but around people who really care about me and vice versa.  I definitely would like to get out of the college scene since most of my friends are graduated/graduating as well and have started their own lives and families.  I always thought that lifestyle was for older people in their 30s, but it can start whenever you want it to.  It feels like once I've settled into one way of doing things, I want to switch it up again.  And I guess that's just part of growing up.

I've been looking at a lot of lifestyle choices when it comes to costs, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to have a wedding.  Honestly, in this economy, I don't have 20 grand to throw up for some big show for 200+ people.  Yes, I believe that marriage is a celebration, but I'm not going to kill myself trying to make it happen.  I'm better off getting an elopement.  $50 to get married?  Yes please.

On top of all that, I've been reflecting a lot on myself and just where I am versus where I want to be.  There's quite a lot I'd like to do, however, there is a time and place for everything.  I need to start doing some spring cleaning with my life and lifestyle choices in order to be in the mental and spiritual place I want to be.  I've done it before when I was alone, but the real challenge is doing it with someone else in tow.  I honestly think I can do it, but it's going to take hard work and dedication, and the optimism for when I make mistakes or fall through.  I'm happy with my life, but I'm always happy for change as well.

After a GIANT Break from Nothing....

So much is going on in my life right now.  I don't even know where to begin.  One of my friends got married, and it was an absolute blast to see that happen and celebrate.  After the holiday ended, I was pushed to the brink with work, and with the events that unfolded in the past two weeks, I've come to a decision with that.  The boyfriend was offered 2 jobs during that, and today he started with one of them.  With hearing the good news about his offers, I scheduled an appointment at school to sort out my actual graduation date, and what would happen if I was full time till the end.

I am a full time student again.  I graduate in December 2012.  Holy buckets, I'm going to be an adult with a degree.

As I came to that realization, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I walked away from working.  I put my trust and finances in the hands of someone else willingly.  Let's see if this bites me in the ass in the next couple of months....

But seriously, with the way things have been at my job, I cut that tie cleanly and am not looking back.  After the amounts of verbal abuse, neglect, and lack of respect from the owner, I did what any normal human being would do, and that would be "F***k it all."  Maybe if whipping boy was listed under the responsibilities of this job and it came with twice the salary and full benefits, I'd stick it out; but as Gwen Stefani put it: "this sh*t is bananas."  Sometimes you gotta let it all go and walk away, no matter how much you fear being fucked over by doing that.

I think everyone can relate to that situation, and it's hard.  Especially now since jobs are scarce and job security is basically nonexistent.  But I always have said "If there's a will, there's a way" and there has always been a way.  If you want it, you gotta work for it, and that's what I'm doing now.  I want to graduate, and I'm doing the only thing I can to make that happen-go to school.

I can't let outside opinions and events affect me like they have before.  Reality is always going to be gloomy and pessimistic, but it's working through it and achieving what you want despite the odds against you that really define success.  Anyway, I'm back to being full time and it feels good to be back in the classroom and not feeling like a zombie because I have a job to go to immediately afterward.

I Couldn't Make this Up if I Tried

Greetings and Happy New Year everyone.  Unless you celebrate the Chinese New Year, of which I say, "Well aren't we pretentious?" (Kidding)

I had all intentions on going out and ringing in the new year at the bar behind my house and getting all fancy-but when I got home it was pitch black, wet and cold and I just couldn't get into the going out mood.  Besides, when I got home the boyfriend and I decided to swing by Target to look at TVs.  And guess what?  We got a new one for super cheap.  And then mounted that bitch on our wall.  Shitting of the pants ensued.

I don't even know where that picture is from, but it's both ridiculous and funny, so it works for me.

Even after setting up our new monstrosity, I just decided to be a pants-less fat ass and said "fuck yo couch!" for the remainder of 2011.  I enjoyed this, because I broke open my expensive wine and ate Wendy's.  Things were looking up.

And now that 2012 has finally entered my life, I figured this is a year to actually have resolutions.  They are as follows (in no particular order because I'm too lazy for that):

1. Put my health first
2. Actually care about my state of being
3. React less (violently)
4. Gain 10 pounds (and not 10lbs of pure whatever that I can burn off)
5. Walk the dog more
6. Walk the lakes as much as physically possible considering the weather.
7. Excel in school (either grade wise, getting closer to graduation, or having a greater sense of self accomplishment)

I gave up after 7.  I figured a top 10 would be nice, but I've got enough down already.  Plus gaining 10 lbs is going to be really freakin difficult since my body slips into a food coma if I consume more than 2000 calories a day.

Weak sauce.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to doing real work instead of being all retarded on the internets.  I'll post more later.